In 1990 Lewis Grizzard (L.G.) wrote “If I Ever Get Back To Georgia I’m Gonna Nail My Feet To The Ground” ( Villard Books) wherein he described his career as a newspaper sports reporter, columnist, and author of 25 books at the time of his death on March 20, 1994 at the young age of 47.
He got his first job in the industry at the age of 10 but he also acknowledged that as the author of a regular newspaper column that “he wasn’t a reporter and could simply make things up if he wanted to” and proceeded to give several humorous examples of when he had stretched the truth to entertain his readers.
Theoretically the surviving newspapers in today's world have to compete with the cable television political experts on the extreme left (progressive) and extreme right (conservatives) and L.G. gives a quick opinion of the state of the print media at that time:
“Four gorillas and an orangutan could put out a better newspaper than the ones some people try to shove down the readers’ throats. Most gorillas and orangutans I know at least aren’t pinko, left-wing communist bed-wetters, which a lot of newspaper people are!” He proceeds to list almost 20 events that he made up and published in one of his many columns:
1.) The Beatles caused the Vietnam War;
2.) Richard Nixon was born wearing a suit;
3.) Bugs Bunny was gay;
4.) Watergate never happened; and
5.) Eating liver causes shortness of breath, zits, flatfeet, anxiety and prolonged female menstrual periods.
(I will leave the others for you to read if you can find a copy of the book. In reality a couple of them came true including #4 and the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska).
In order to avoid my Sunday print paper being canceled and my laptop being repossessed by the local merged papers formerly known as the Chattanooga Times and Chattanooga News Free Press, I would also like to refer to another part of the book where L.G. lists “25 More Reasons I Love Newspaper Besides All the Stuff I’ve Already Talked About.”
I have selectively chosen a few for the benefit of my present list of 15 readers and respectfully suggest again that you find a copy at your favorite used book store or on the world wide web created by Al Gore:
1.) “They aren’t heavy, except on Sundays;”
2.) “You don’t have to look at the ads if you don’t want to. It's hard to escape television commercials no matter how fast your remote control finger is;”
3.) “Editorial Cartoons;”
4.) “They are brief about the weather. Today: Cloudy with a high near 75! Television weather lasts longer than some thunderstorms;”
5.) Occasionally I have the pleasant surprise of finding humorous writing on the editorial page;” (No offense intended, Pam & Clint)
6.) “If you read a newspaper every day, there will be very few topics you can’t talk about;”
7.) “You can serve your dog leftover steak bones on a newspaper;”
8.) “You can be going through your grandmother’s attic and find a paper from 1930 and have a lot of fun reading it. You will want to say, “Watch out for Hitler;” (Wow!)
9.) “Newspapers make great starters for fireplace fires;” and
10.) “Automobile dealers can’t do their own commercials.”
At the time L.G. wrote the above column he considered newspapers to be "one of the last great bargains” as most daily newspapers cost a quarter.
L.G. was asked a question that is still relevant in 2022, “Why don’t you print more good news?” His answer was simple, “There’s not any!”
(Where are Richard Nixon and Ray Blanton when we need some blockbuster news?)
* * *
You can reach Jerry Summers at jsummers@summersfirm.com)
Jerry Summers