Roy Exum: The Saturday Funnies

Saturday, May 21, 2022 - by Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

LADIES, DON’T WORRY ABOUT ME

An elderly man in Louisiana owned a large farm with a large pond.

He planted some apple, and peach trees around it.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, “We're not coming out until you leave!”

The old man frowned, “I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.”

Holding up the bucket he said, “I'm just here to feed the alligator.”

* * *

THOSE ARE THE HOSPITAL’S RULES

Hospital rules state that patients checking out must have a wheelchair.

One day a newly graduated nurse assistant came into the room to find an elderly man fully dressed.

He was sitting on the bedside chair, with a piece of packed luggage at his side, all ready to go.

When he was shown the wheelchair, he was adamant that he was fully capable of walking himself to the parking lot.

But the assistant told him rules were rules, so he relented and let her wheel him out.

In the elevator, the assistant asked the elderly man if his wife was coming to meet him.

“I don’t think so,” he replied.

“It takes her awhile to change her clothes, so she’s probably still upstairs in the bathroom taking off her hospital gown and getting dressed.”

* * *

BUT YOU SAID …

My boss told me yesterday, “Don’t dress for the job you have, dress for the job you want”.

But he fired me today when I turned up at the office in my Superman outfit.

* * *

THE DOCTOR KNOWS BEST

A woman sees the doctor after her husband’s check-up.

The doctor looks serious and says, “Mrs. Connelly, your husband is very sick.

I've given him some medications that will help but they will also make him grouchy, nervous, and difficult to please.

He needs to rest and not get upset. I will prescribe you some sleeping pills.”

“Ok,” nods Mrs. Connelly, “and how often should he take those?”

“Oh, they’re not for him, Mrs. Connelly, they’re for you.”

* * *

I AM RETURNING THESE GLASSES

A woman walks in a store to return a pair of eyeglasses that she had purchased for her husband a week before.

"What seems to be the problem, madam?"

"I'm returning these glasses I bought for my husband. He's still not seeing things my way."

* * *

IT MAKES SENSE TO ME

Man to his wife: “Do you know what our 6 year old son wants to be once he’s grown?”

Wife: “No.”

Man: “A garbage man. And you know why?”

Wife: “No, why?”

Man: “Because he thinks they only work on Tuesdays.”

* * *

FAVORITE VEGETABLES IN WASHINGTON

What are the favorite vegetables in Washington, D.C.?

In Congress, it's celery...

At the White House, carrots...

And of course, at the Supreme Court, leeks.

* * *

RATING THE PRESIDENTS

I know you will find this hard to believe, but. . . of the 46 U.S. Presidents,

Joe Biden is rated as the 6th best. These are the Details:

1. Reagan, Lincoln, and Trump tied for first,

2. Washington, FDR , Eisenhower and twenty other presidents tied for second,

3. Grant, Jackson and fifteen other presidents tied for third,

4. Jimmy Carter came in fourth,

5. Barack Obama came in fifth, and

6. Joe Biden came in sixth.

* * *

ONE LINE AT A TIME

-- I've been bored recently so I've decided to take up fencing. The neighbors said they will call the police unless I put it back.

-- A Vicks VapoRub truck overturned on the highway this morning. Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours!

-- I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

-- All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

-- Duct Tape can't fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound.

-- Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

-- I am not questioning your authority, I am denying its existence.

-- I'm rejecting your reality and substituting my own.

-- Warning – I'm retired, I know everything and I have time to talk about it.

-- I'm not arguing, I'm explaining why I'm right.

-- Forget the dogs, who let the idiots out.

-- I do what I want, when I want, where I want. My wife said I could say that.

-- Sometimes I feel old, but then I remember my husband is older.

-- It didn't just start with me, my whole family is crazy.

-- I'm having an out-of-money experience.

-- Irony. The cure for Wrinkly.

* * *

THIS WEEK’S FAVORITE VIDEOS

* -- Al di la - Emilio Pericoli CLICK HERE.

* -- Tuba Skinny -"Just A Closer Walk" CLICK HERE.

* -- Candid Camera Classic - Pedestrian Toll CLICK HERE.

* -- Candid Camera Classic: Fear of Flying! CLICK HERE.

* -- Candid Camera Classic: Rising Gas Prices! CLICK HERE.

royexum@aol.com


Take Me Out To The Ballgame

Marie Mott's Plan For Small Business And Skilled Trades In District 8

Right To Their Own Body? - And Response (2)


Let’s see if I have this right. Taxpayers are to foot the bill to the tune of $80 million for a new baseball stadium that will be designed to hold 6,000 people. We must not plan on a great deal ... (click for more)

District 8 isn’t on the same playing field as the rest of Chattanooga. We’ve been left behind and overlooked for millions in support and economic investment. Everyone deserves access to career ... (click for more)

So the two Dems running for governor actually believe "women should have the right to their own body." Well then I assume this means that prostitution should be legalized? How about the ... (click for more)



Opinion

Take Me Out To The Ballgame

Let’s see if I have this right. Taxpayers are to foot the bill to the tune of $80 million for a new baseball stadium that will be designed to hold 6,000 people. We must not plan on a great deal of attendance. Research reveals that during pre-pandemic in 2019, the average attendance was 3,948. Furthermore, under the current proposal if you attend a game, you must pay to park. So, ... (click for more)

Marie Mott's Plan For Small Business And Skilled Trades In District 8

District 8 isn’t on the same playing field as the rest of Chattanooga. We’ve been left behind and overlooked for millions in support and economic investment. Everyone deserves access to career paths that grow wealth, support our community and protect our future. Here’s how we’re going to get it done: • Connect residents to future-ready job training. By 2025, millennials ... (click for more)

Breaking News

EPA Awarding Brownfield Grant At Site Of Planned Lookouts Stadium

U.S. Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) Deputy Administrator Janet McCabe on Wednesday is set to present the city of Chattanooga with Brownfield program cleanup and assessment grants at the site of a planned new $79.5 million stadium to be used by the Lookouts. The press conference will be at the U.S. Pipe/Wheland site. The grant is "to help spur economic revitalization ... (click for more)

Chattanooga Couple Describes Frightening Home Invasion

A Chattanooga couple on Friday morning described a frightening home invasion that a Memphis pair are accused of committing. Charges were bound to the Grand Jury against Darion Merriweather and William Edward Farmer IV. Judge Gerald Webb increased the bond for their aggravated burglary charges to $75,000. Farmer and Merriweather are facing two counts of kidnapping, aggravated ... (click for more)

Sports

First Place Barons Beat Chattanooga Again

We all know that good pitching, timely hitting and solid defense gives any baseball team on any level a good chance of winning, but when any of the three falter, those odds drop way down. Facing the Birmingham Barons for the fourth straight day at AT&T Field Friday night, the Chattanooga Lookouts were lacking in two of the three, so it’s not a real surprise that the guys ... (click for more)

Lady Red Wolves Win 3-2 Over Visiting Southern Soccer Academy

The Chattanooga Lady Red Wolves earned a 3-2 home win Friday night against Southern Soccer Academy. The win puts the Lady Red Wolves on top of the South Central standings with one regular season game left. In Friday's game, Hollie Massey opened the scoring in the 3rd minute to give the Lady Red Wolves an early 1-0 lead. SSA answered in the 22nd minute. In the 39th minute, MacKenzie ... (click for more)