LADIES, DON’T WORRY ABOUT ME
An elderly man in Louisiana owned a large farm with a large pond.
He planted some apple, and peach trees around it.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, “We're not coming out until you leave!”
The old man frowned, “I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.”
Holding up the bucket he said, “I'm just here to feed the alligator.”
* * *
THOSE ARE THE HOSPITAL’S RULES
Hospital rules state that patients checking out must have a wheelchair.
One day a newly graduated nurse assistant came into the room to find an elderly man fully dressed.
He was sitting on the bedside chair, with a piece of packed luggage at his side, all ready to go.
When he was shown the wheelchair, he was adamant that he was fully capable of walking himself to the parking lot.
But the assistant told him rules were rules, so he relented and let her wheel him out.
In the elevator, the assistant asked the elderly man if his wife was coming to meet him.
“I don’t think so,” he replied.
“It takes her awhile to change her clothes, so she’s probably still upstairs in the bathroom taking off her hospital gown and getting dressed.”
* * *
BUT YOU SAID …
My boss told me yesterday, “Don’t dress for the job you have, dress for the job you want”.
But he fired me today when I turned up at the office in my Superman outfit.
* * *
THE DOCTOR KNOWS BEST
A woman sees the doctor after her husband’s check-up.
The doctor looks serious and says, “Mrs. Connelly, your husband is very sick.
I've given him some medications that will help but they will also make him grouchy, nervous, and difficult to please.
He needs to rest and not get upset. I will prescribe you some sleeping pills.”
“Ok,” nods Mrs. Connelly, “and how often should he take those?”
“Oh, they’re not for him, Mrs. Connelly, they’re for you.”
* * *
I AM RETURNING THESE GLASSES
A woman walks in a store to return a pair of eyeglasses that she had purchased for her husband a week before.
"What seems to be the problem, madam?"
"I'm returning these glasses I bought for my husband. He's still not seeing things my way."
* * *
IT MAKES SENSE TO ME
Man to his wife: “Do you know what our 6 year old son wants to be once he’s grown?”
Man: “A garbage man. And you know why?”
Wife: “No, why?”
Man: “Because he thinks they only work on Tuesdays.”
* * *
FAVORITE VEGETABLES IN WASHINGTON
What are the favorite vegetables in Washington, D.C.?
In Congress, it's celery...
At the White House, carrots...
And of course, at the Supreme Court, leeks.
* * *
RATING THE PRESIDENTS
I know you will find this hard to believe, but. . . of the 46 U.S. Presidents,
Joe Biden is rated as the 6th best. These are the Details:
1. Reagan, Lincoln, and Trump tied for first,
2. Washington, FDR , Eisenhower and twenty other presidents tied for second,
3. Grant, Jackson and fifteen other presidents tied for third,
4. Jimmy Carter came in fourth,
5. Barack Obama came in fifth, and
6. Joe Biden came in sixth.
* * *
ONE LINE AT A TIME
-- I've been bored recently so I've decided to take up fencing. The neighbors said they will call the police unless I put it back.
-- A Vicks VapoRub truck overturned on the highway this morning. Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours!
-- I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
-- All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
-- Duct Tape can't fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound.
-- Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
-- I am not questioning your authority, I am denying its existence.
-- I'm rejecting your reality and substituting my own.
-- Warning – I'm retired, I know everything and I have time to talk about it.
-- I'm not arguing, I'm explaining why I'm right.
-- Forget the dogs, who let the idiots out.
-- I do what I want, when I want, where I want. My wife said I could say that.
-- Sometimes I feel old, but then I remember my husband is older.
-- It didn't just start with me, my whole family is crazy.
-- I'm having an out-of-money experience.
-- Irony. The cure for Wrinkly.
* * *
THIS WEEK’S FAVORITE VIDEOS
* -- Al di la - Emilio Pericoli CLICK HERE.
* -- Tuba Skinny -"Just A Closer Walk" CLICK HERE.
* -- Candid Camera Classic - Pedestrian Toll CLICK HERE.
* -- Candid Camera Classic: Fear of Flying! CLICK HERE.
* -- Candid Camera Classic: Rising Gas Prices! CLICK HERE.