Best Of Grizzard - 2023 Ironman

  • Tuesday, March 21, 2023
  • Jerry Summers

The exciting news release that the Gig City would once again host the 2023 IRONMAN 70.3 Chattanooga triathlon that will bring 3,500 money-spending slim and trim swimmers (1.2 miles), bicyclists (56 miles), and runners (13.1 miles) to our “Best Mid-sized” metropolis is historical.

If Lewis Grizzard (LG) (1947-1994) was still with us one of his 25 books and hundreds of his syndicated newspaper articles would probably address the May 13 event.

Having been labeled a sexist on many occasions by the “gentler sex” he would definitely rise to their defense by quickly pointing out two significant facts that in the pursuit of big bucks the local NOW (National Organization of Women) has ignored the anti-feminist discriminatory nature of the title.

(1) Aren’t the ladies at least entitled to equal silent recognition by calling it “2023 Ironperson Triathlon?”

(2) Isn’t the limitation to only 50 Extra Slots for the “fair damsels” another discriminatory snub?

Since registration has already closed, the harm has already been done and the left out ladies (and others) can only still apply to participate in the equally preferential oversight in the May 13 event at the “Redneck Rivera” in beautiful Bay county in the Sunshine State or at two others north of the “Mason Dixon Line” venues:

That would be the perfect opportunity for LG to redeem his fallen reputation with the likes of Erica Jong, Gloria Steinem, etc. from some of the following articles that he wrote in his lifetime.

In the collection of 60 articles selected by his friends, employers and last wife the 1995 literary masterpiece of “Grizzardisms – The Wit and Wisdom of Lewis Grizzard” (Villard Books – Random House) contains the following excerpts from the chapter on WOMEN that endeared him to many of the “liberated lasses” during his era and their pursuit of equal rights;

1. “I’m not certain when most women began to hate most men, but it probably had something to do with Jane Fonda;

2. If I open a door for a woman, will she take it to mean I think she’s not strong enough to open it herself and knee me in the groin;

3. Beware of any woman with a hyphenated last name, especially if she’s your wife’s lawyer in your divorce trial;

4. Your dog won’t bring you chicken noodle soup when you’re sick, but neither would your last wife, who probably joined a cult of women who worship Cher;

5. Putting a pair of baggy pants on a woman would be like pulling a shade down over a lovely sunset;

6. The only thing worse than a whiny, pouting woman is a whiny, pouting woman with a flat chest;

7. I honestly think women’s liberation has had a lot to do with men simply saying to themselves, I don’t need this crap. I’m never going to find anybody to treat me like Mama did, so I’ll just give up and find me a good dog.

8. As long as most men can still outrun most women, there’s always hope for me.”

(To suggest that LG would write on any issue that might arise out of the afore-mentioned money-making event would be speculative and beyond the scope of this article.)

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You can reach Jerry Summers at jsummers@summersfirm.com

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