Although the USA didn’t earn a medal in soccer at the 2024 Olympics in Paris, France, the sport continues to draw sold out crowds at Finley Stadium-Davenport Field and is a booming success under the ownership and stewardship of Columbia University’s most distinguished alumnus with a degree in German literature. The orderly conduct of the local chapter of the WCTU (men, etc.) affectionately named The Hooligans and their purchase of pure bottled water from the Tennessee River has also been a singular factor.
However the late Lewis Grizzard (LG) was not a fan of the world’s favorite spot and expressed 20 reasons why he hated the head banging athletic contest in “You Can’t Put No Boogie Woogie on the King of Rock N’ Roll” (Villard Books- 1991).
“Brevity in words” being the motto for this column all 73 of my dedicated followers have suggested that I publish only first ten stimulating “dislike of soccer” reasons by LG:
1 . There are only three final scores in soccer. They are 1-0, and in a real scoring orgy, 1-1. 0-0
2. Being able to bounce a ball off one's head isn't that impressive to me. I've seen countless seals do the same ? thing on The Ed Sullivan Show.
3. Soccer breeds fan violence because it's very dull, and when the fans get bored, they pass the time by trying to kill and maim one another.
4. Nobody ever throws a high, inside fastball in soccer, baseball's answer to killing and maiming.
5. A man named Phil Woosnam, then president of the North American Soccer League, once bragged to me, "In twenty years, soccer will be bigger than pro football in the United States." That was twenty-five years ago.
6. Soccer is responsible for soccerstyle kickers in American football. I agree with the late Norman Van Brocklin, who was asked his reaction to the game, after his Atlanta Falcons had been beaten on a last-minute field goal by some guy from Yugoslavia or Afghanistan. Van Brocklin said, "They ought to tighten the immi- gration laws in this country."
7. It was a referee's controversial call in a soccer match that started World War I. No, I can't prove that, but I don't have to.
8. Too many soccer teams wear dark socks with their shorts, a violation of every fashion law ever written.
9. The theme song for the British Broadcasting Corporation's coverage of the World Cup is Luciano Pavarotti's version of "Nessu Dorma," from Puccini's opera Turandot. The theme song of WGN's coverage of the Chicago Cubs baseball is Harry Caray singing "Take Me Out to the Ball Game."
10. If soccer were an American politician, it would be Alan Cranston.
(Anticipating a large reader response “dislikes” number 11-20 will be published right after the State of Tennessee and federal government approve if the 50 billion free grant money to connect the Choo Choo City leg of the Washington, DC to Houston, TX train trip in 2069!)
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Jerry Summers