Roy Exum: The Saturday Funnies

Saturday, October 28, 2017
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

There are many things I can’t do very well but when it comes to getting sick I am a champ. For the past 10 days I’ve suffered from the “Mother of all Influenzas” and on Thursday, as I alternated between the sweats and shivers, I got my latest preview of what it will feel like to die in my own bed.

My doctor said bed rest but I have never slept for 36 straight hours in my life. Seriously, I’d get up for aspirin or the bathroom but this was serious. When I came out of my fog the bedside clock said 7:00, so I took the dog out but couldn’t find my newspaper. As I waited for dawn’s early light, it didn’t come – it never got light -- and I figured the apocalypse was nigh. But no, I’d gotten my a.m. and p.m. mixed up. That’s how bad it was and, with the dog still looking at me like I’m crazy, I’m ready for some giggles.

As I have noted before, these laughers were not written by me but as a part of what friends send me over the Internet every week. Kindly remember Halloween is this Tuesday so make sure to have the Tricks and Treats….

* * *

MURPHY’S 15 OTHER LAWS

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone from California would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

14. God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.

15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people, who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

* * *

HOW THINGS HAVE CHANGED IN 73 YEARS

1944: 18 year olds storm the beaches of Normandy into almost certain death.

2017: 18 year olds need a safe place because words hurt their feelings.

* * *

HOW TO COACH A LITTLE LEAGUE TEAM

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what co-operation is? What a team is?"

"Yes, coach," replied the little boy.

“Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a bad name.

“Do you understand all that?"

Again, the little boy nodded in the affirmative. 

The coach continued, "And when I take you out of the game so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not a dumb decision or that the coach is a (expletive), is it?"

"No, coach."

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother.”

* * *

A LADY AND HER FAVORITE PISTOL

Today, I placed my Glock 23 (40 cal.) pistol on the table right next to my front door. I left its clip beside it, then left it alone and went about my business.

While I was gone, the mailman delivered my mail, the neighbor's son across the street mowed the yard, a girl walked her dog down the street, and quite a few cars stopped at the "stop" sign near the front of my house.

After about an hour, I checked on the gun. It was quietly sitting there, right where I had left it. It had not moved itself outside. It had not killed anyone.

Certainly, even with the numerous opportunities it had been presented to do that. In fact, it had not even loaded itself.

Well you can imagine my surprise, with all the hype by the Left and the media, about how dangerous guns are and “How They” kill people.

The United States is 3rd in murders throughout the world.

But if you take out just 5 'left-wing' cities: Chicago, Detroit, Washington DC, St Louis and New Orleans -- the United States is 4th from the bottom, in the ENTIRE world, for murders.

These 5 cities are controlled by Democrats. They also have the toughest gun control laws in the USA.

 It would be absurd to draw any conclusions from this data, right?     

 Well, I'm off to check on my spoons. I hear they're making people fat!

* * *

WISDOM OF A CHINESE DOCTOR:

Q:  Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life.  Is this true?

A:  Heart only good for so many beats, and that it...Don't waste on exercise.        

     Everything wear out eventually.  Speeding up heart not make you live longer;

     it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster.  Want to live longer?  

     Take a nap.

* * *

‘I DIDN’T KNOW YOU WERE INTO EARRINGS’

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow and is curious about his sudden change in 'fashion sense.'

The man walks up to him and says, 'I didn't know you were into earrings.'

'Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring,' he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my car."

(Haven’t you always wondered how this trend got started?)

* * *

“If God had wanted me to touch my toes, He would have put them on my knees.”

royexum@aol.com


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