Roy Exum: The Saturday Funnies

Saturday, October 5, 2019 - by Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

There was a yard sale in a Chattanooga community when one visitor noticed what appeared to be a “good as new” bathroom scales prominently displayed for only $10. He asked the woman at the cash register if the scales worked … it seemed too good to be true. “Yes, they are quite accurate and quite new … and that’s why I am selling them,” the full-figured lady added, her eyes narrowing just so as she silently dared him to say one more word than was necessary. Without a peep, he handed her a $10 bill, nodded his thanks, and took his purchase to his car.

With an uptick of autumn fairs and festivals, The Saturday Funnies is thrilled that our wisdom has prevailed as a weekend weather front appears to be the answer to our record heat. Kindly remember the material for The Saturday Funnies is the result of many emails that come our way each week and does not originate on this site. In almost every instance, the original author is unknown and the sources are too numerous as the jokes and humor streaks into our emails.

We start today with a bit of humor from a source we adore, a subscription-based, sports-news podcast called “The Athletic,” and – for the record – The Saturday Funnies urges the Tennessee Orange Nation “to keep the faith.” It is universally believed among the top writers in the South who I still know that Jeremy Pruitt is “the guy.” Everyone regrets Friday’s announcement that linebacker Jeremy Banks is ‘no longer with the Volunteer program’ based on decisions Banks made.

* * *

DEAR FAUX PELINI: ‘DON’T GIVE UP HOPE

NOTE: A daily sports-news podcast www.theathletic.com, is, in my mind, the best in the business. A subscription website, it has some of the best writers in the country (yes, there is a huge difference in a ‘writer’ and a ‘reporter’) and – as a loyalist from the beginning -- I enjoy it immensely. Every Friday The Athletic includes an ever-funny satire, “Dear Faux Pelini,” where presumably readers send in questions for a “Dear Ann Landers” dose of counseling. Yesterday’s lead was from an embattled Tennessee football fan:

- - -

Dear Faux Pelini,

My wife says that I should stop watching Tennessee football — she says I am not a realist. I do think that miracles are real and that we can beat Alabama this year. Am I wrong? Should I give up my hopes and dreams?

/s/ David B.

- - -

Well David,

Yes, you are wrong. You are very, very wrong.

And no, you should not give up your hopes and dreams. Hopes and dreams are all Tennessee fans have left in 2019. You should not give them up for anyone, not even your wife.

You see what your wife is doing though, right? She’s looking out for you. She knows you, and she also understands that Alabama is going to light up the scoreboard like a Christmas tree against your team. She just wants to help you avoid a broken heart (and broken windows and broken furniture).

But this year, being unrealistic is a very good strategy for Tennessee fans. You’ve already reeled off losses to Georgia State and BYU and Florida for God’s sake — if you had to accept 2019 Tennessee football on real terms you’d be lying in a gutter or hospital bed right now.

I’m sorry Tennessee’s season is a lost cause, David. That big orange ship has sailed out to sea, leaving you alone with your silly hopes and dreams. There you are on the shore, building your “Beat Bama” sandcastle against all logic and reason. I respect your insanity.

Tennessee will not beat Alabama this year. I know it, your wife knows it, everyone knows it. But until the afternoon of Oct. 19 there will be no actual proof of this.

So until then, hang on to your maniacal hopes and dreams. Build a sandcastle showing five Alabama fumbles and 12 dropped passes and a furious little Nick Saban throwing his tiny headset into a seashell.

There will be plenty of time to suffer the Alabama loss after it happens, so don’t start now. Ask your wife to allow you these few weeks of blissful ignorance.

And David, when the Crimson Tide washes over your sandcastle and your dreams are cast out to sea, I want you to forget about that game. Don’t mourn something that was never real in the first place. Just go build the next sandcastle. Maybe a “Beat Vanderbilt” one? That one might hold up.

-- from The Athletic, Oct. 4, 2019

* * *

THINGS THAT YOU THINK ABOUT WHEN STUCK IN TRAFFIC

* -- A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

* -- Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

* -- Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.

* -- Isn't it great to live in the 21st century? Where deleting history has become more important than making it.

* -- When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.

* -- Son, when I was your age there was no social media. You had to go to a bar and buy endless drinks to be ignored by multiple women.

* -- When I was young I did stupid things because I didn't know any better. Now I know better and do stupid things because I miss being young.

* * *

GOD’S AMAZING ACCURACY AND HIS LAWS OF ORDER

When GOD solves our problems, we have faith in HIS abilities.

When GOD doesn't solve our problems, HE has faith in our abilities.

For example:  One may observe God's accuracy in the hatching of eggs…

* -- those of the Canary in 14 days;

* -- those of the Barnyard Hen in 21 days;

* -- Eggs of Ducks and Geese in 28 days;

* -- those of the Mallard in 35 days;

* -- Eggs of the Parrot and the Ostrich hatch in 42 days.

Did you notice, they are all divisible by seven, the number of the days in a week!

 See God's Wisdom in the making of an Elephant…

The four legs of this great beast all bend forward in the same direction. No other quadruped is so made. God planned that this animal would have a huge body -- too large to live on two legs.

For this reason He gave it four fulcrums so that it can rise from the ground easily.

The Horse rises from the ground on its two front legs first. A Cow rises from the ground with its two hind legs first.

 How wise the Lord is in all His works of Creation!

 Each Watermelon has an even number of stripes on the rind. Each Orange has an even number of segments. Each ear of Corn has an even number of rows. Each stalk of Wheat has an even number of grains.

Every bunch of bananas has on its lowest row an even number of bananas, and each row above decreases by one, so that one row has an even number and the next row an odd number.

Amazing? There's more…

The waves of the sea roll in on shore twenty-six to the minute in all kinds of weather. 

 All Grains are found in even numbers on the stalks. God has caused the flowers to blossom at certain specified times during the day.

Linnaeus, the Great Botanist, once said that if he had a Conservatory containing the right kind of soil, moisture, and temperature, he could tell the time of day or night by the flowers that were open and those that were closed.

The lives of each of us may be ordered by the Lord in a beautiful way for His glory, if we will only entrust him with our lives. If we try to regulate our own lives, we will have only mess and failure. Only God, who made our brains and hearts, can successfully guide them to a profitable end.

When you carry the Bible, Satan has a Headache; when you open it, he collapses. When he sees you reading it, he loses his strength, and when you stand on the Word of God, Satan can't hurt you!

And did you also know… that when you are about to forward this email to others, the Devil will probably try to discourage you, but do it anyway.

 Life without God is like an unsharpened pencil - it has no point.  I pray God bless you in ways you never even dreamed. I didn't think twice about forwarding this one.

* * *

THE THIRTY THINGS A SOUTHERN BOY WILL NEVER SAY

30. When I retire, I'm movin' north.

29. I'll take Shakespeare for 1,000, Alex.

28. Duct tape won't fix that.

27. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.

26. We don't keep firearms in this house.

25. You can't feed that to the dog.

24. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.

23. Wrestling is fake.

22. We're vegetarians.

21. Do you think my gut is too big?

20. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.

19. Honey, we don't need another dog.

18. Who gives a damn who won the Civil War?

17. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.

16. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.

15. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.

14. Trim the fat off that steak.

13. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.

12. The tires on that truck are too big.

11. I've got it all on the C: DRIVE.

10. Unsweetened tea tastes better.

9. My fiancée, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.

8. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.

7. Checkmate.

6. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.

5. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.

4. I don't have a favorite college team.

3. You Guys.

2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Betty Mae.

And the No. 1 Thing You’ll Never Hear a Southern Boy Say …

1. Nope, no more beer for me.  I'm driving a whole busload of us down to re-elect Obama.

* * *

FROM THE GREATEST ORATORS OF THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY

* -- "One man with courage makes a majority." -- Andrew Jackson

* -- "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." -- Franklin D. Roosevelt

* -- "The buck stops here."  -- Harry S. Truman

* -- "Ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country." -- John F. Kennedy

But, wait ... there are the more-recent orators of the Democrat Party …

* -- "It depends what your definition of 'is' is?'' -- William Jefferson Clinton

* -- "Those rumors are false. I believe in the sanctity of marriage" -- John Edwards

* -- “Gorsuch isn’t fit to serve because he uses law and not emotions.” -- Kamala Harris

* -- "What difference does it make?" (re: Benghazi) --Hillary Clinton

* -- "I invented the Internet." -- Al Gore

* -- "America is, is no longer, uh, what it, uh, could be, uh, what it was once was, uh, and I say to myself, uh, I don't want that future, uh, for my children."  -- Barack Obama

* -- "I have campaigned in all 57 states." -- Barack Obama (Quoted in 2008)

* -- "You don't need God anymore; you have us Democrats." -- Nancy Pelosi (Quoted in 2006)

* -- “Paying taxes is voluntary." -- Sen. Harry Reid

* -- “Homicide is the leading cause of murder.” -- Rep. Sheila Jackson

* -- “No ordinary American cares about Constitutional rights.” -- Joe Biden

* -- “Having an abortion is no different than having one’s tonsils removed.” --Elizabeth Warren

* -- “Owning guns is not a right.  If it were a right, it would be in the Constitution.”  -- Alexandria Ocasio Cortez (2018)

* -- "Bill is the greatest husband and father I know. No one is more faithful, true, and honest than he is." -- Hillary Rodham-Clinton (Quoted in 1998)

* -- "You have a business, you didn't build that. Someone else did!" -- Barack Obama (Quoted in 2012)

* -- “Social Security has nothing to do with the deficit.” -- Bernie Sanders

* -- And the most ridiculous gem of wisdom, from the   "Mother Superior of STUPID": "We just have to pass Obama's Healthcare Bill to see what's in it." --Nancy Pelosi  (Quoted March in 2010) … as one doctor said at the time, “That is also the perfect definition of a stool sample."

Beyond a doubt, the greatest statement of all was made by the Democrat House Speaker at the first Congressional session after Ted Kennedy was caught, on camera, having sex with one of his aides on the deck of his yacht  …. “Ah see that the good Senatuh from the great state of Massutwoshits has changed his position on off-shore drillin'." -- Sam Rayburn

And the latest from this dysfunctional collection of Stupids …

* -- "My fear is if North Korea nukes us, Trump is gonna get us into a war."  -- Maxine Waters......2017

* -- "We are all born ignorant, but one must work very hard to remain STUPID!" --Benjamin Franklin~ (1706-1790)

I am adding Nancy Pelosi’s most recent quote:

* -- “You need to vote for the Democrats otherwise the illegal aliens will lose their rights”! -- Nancy Pelosi......2019

* * *

NOT UNTIL YOU ARE 70 DO YOU ‘HIT’ !!

It's an age thing, honest. Just read and tell me it's not true, because it is true …

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

How old are you? "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . . . YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away.

Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.

But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday! Sounds like a home run, you know?

You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I Was JUST 92."

* * *

THIS WEEK’S BEST VIDEO

Several years ago LG, the electronics company, was in midst of introducing what was the world’s first 84-inch LG Meteor Ultra HDTV. Some twisted soul came up with the idea of placing the huge flat-screen TVs instead of what appeared to be window overlooking the city. As you watch what happens, ask yourself what you would do I if suddenly you watched the end of the world start outside the window? CLICK HERE.

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royexum@aol.com


Positional Asphyxiation - The Danger Of Babies Sleeping In Car Seats - And Response

Roy Exum: The 1:59.40 Marathon!

Roy Exum: The Saturday Funnies


This is an important article many new parents may not be aware of. This is only the second time I've heard of danger, positional asphyxiation, of placing young babies, mainly less than one year ... (click for more)

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Opinion

Positional Asphyxiation - The Danger Of Babies Sleeping In Car Seats - And Response

This is an important article many new parents may not be aware of. This is only the second time I've heard of danger, positional asphyxiation, of placing young babies, mainly less than one year old, leaving them to sleep in their car seats. I shared this story with a young couple out west who are relatives the first time I heard of this danger. They recently had a new addition ... (click for more)

Roy Exum: The 1:59.40 Marathon!

First, we must tell the children, every little boy and girl must come. Anyone who has already started our next generation yet are less than only a few steps in their life’s race, must come. They must see. Yes, we who have nearly finished our distance or the promising millennials who are still in their climb, you too! We must call them and point to the picture of a 34-year-old they ... (click for more)

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