Pat Benson: Fall Wedding Rules For The Football Minded

Saturday, November 16, 2019
Pat Benson
Pat Benson

Alright guys, huddle up. I’m here today to talk about something serious. Weddings on Saturdays during football season – (audible groans and murmurs). I know I know, none of us want to argue about this, but it’s an issue we have to address. Just last Saturday, I was the latest casualty in the wedding war on football. While most of you were staring in awe at your big screen television during the Alabama/LSU game, I was out of town doing the electric slide at a reception with very little Wi-Fi.

Don’t get me wrong, it was a beautiful ceremony and I’m thankful to the newlyweds and their families for making room for me. But if you know me, then you know I can be petulant and moody when I’m out of my comfort zone. My girlfriend, who is a saint, was having to juggle maid of honor responsibilities and my fragile demeanor. With each event, she was moving me around with extreme care as if she were the guard in charge of transporting Hannibal Lecter.

As the heralded “Game of the Century” progressed, I was scaling the walls of the barn like the spider in Charlotte’s Web trying to get my phone to update the score. My dad (and best friend) was rapidly texting me after each score while trying to play it off as “just another game” so as to protect my feelings.

But even after that big game concluded, I wanted to see the rest of the action taking place on the gridiron. Meanwhile the DJ at the reception was dutifully doing his job of keeping the party rocking. Cupids shuffle, Cha-Cha slide, The Git Up – back to back to back. I was staring him down like Kobe did Coach Mike Brown at the moment he decided he was going to have him fired.

So we’re at an impasse. We can put our foot down on fall weddings (if we like sleeping on the couch), we can work on a compromise, or I can just grow up and deal with these situations like an adult (not enough therapy in the world). Therefore, I want to put forward a tentative framework of rules for all men to abide by when planning fall weddings:

1.      Cupcake Saturday is our preferred date (I recommend checking the schedule months in advance).

2.      Conference Play is the cutoff date.

3.      If you are unable to follow rules #1 and #2, then multiple televisions must be within vision at the rehearsal, reception, et al.

4.      Early start times. The PAC12 has been experimenting with early start times, we can do the same thing.

5.      Pace of play. Like baseball, wedding and receptions go on too long. Let’s condense the events. Aunt Delilah doesn’t need to be on the dance floor that long anyway.

Let me know what rules you would add, modify or remove. Think of this as the Camp David Accords between men and women on fall Saturdays, and I’m your Jimmy Carter. It’s a tenuous situation, but we can work together to find common ground and peace.

--

Pat Benson has been a sideline reporter, P.A. announcer, and radio personality. Tweet him @Pat_Benson_Jr.


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