Roy Exum: The Saturday Funnies

  • Saturday, November 23, 2019
  • Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

Hot dog! The Saturday Funnies are back and so am I! During my life I’ve picked up a lot of things: fleas, chiggers, hang nail, maybe worms and similar parasites. Almost 50 years ago I was in a Jeep wreck – far different from a car crash because I’ve had them, too – and I got a life-long curse known as osteomyelitis. It is a bone/blood disease, easily treated, but it pops up every now and again and you can’t monkey around with it. Last Saturday I was in the hospital but now I am back and apologize for the missing Funnies from last week.

As many of you know, I do not write the funnies but glean the best jokes I receive every week from my Internet friends.

By doing so, it is my hope that we can give laughter some extra yards, that “Laugh Overcomes Lonesome,” and that you’ll share in a funny story’s delight.

This week is a very special time for me. I believe of all of humanity’s blessings, ‘gratitude’ is the toughest to accept yet the most fun to enjoy. Our ‘Video of the Week’ is not funny. Far better, it is a narration about The Star-Spangled Banner that will forever change the way you view our nation’s song. As we settle for Thanksgiving, please share the Truth about the National Anthem with as many as you can because it perfectly illustrates why “the flag was still there.”

We’ve got some great Funnies to share:

* * *

HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL:

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill inside end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink one cold beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12) Call fire brigade to retrieve the obviously possessed cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

13) Tie the little bugger’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak filet. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and remove pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15) Arrange for RSPCA to collect "mutant cat from hell" and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

Finally,

HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL:

1) Wrap it in cheese.

* * *

THE KEY TO BEING A BRILLIANT PLASTIC SURGEON

A very attractive woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The KEY," where a small key is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand-new face lift.

Of course, the woman wanted "The Key."

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the key, and the effects were wonderful -- the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.

"All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the key and I've always loved the results.” But now I've developed two annoying problems:

First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the key won't get rid of them."

The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."

She said, "No point asking about the beard ... “

* * *

THE POSTCARD AND THE SECRET WORD: SPAGHETTI

For two years a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.

One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a postcard, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

'Honey!,' she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'

'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:

“Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without.”

Send extra sauce

* * *

THE LITTLE DEVIL’S ANSWERED PRAYER

A friend told me about his trip out with his grandson This is what he said. "Last week, I took my grandchildren to a restaurant. My 6-year-old grandson asked if he could say grace."

As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food and I would thank you even more if Grandpa gets us ice cream for dessert. And liberty, peace & justice for all. Amen!"

Along with the laughter and nodding of heads from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman at the next table loudly remark, “That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why -- I never!"

Hearing this, my grandson burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong Grandpa? Is God mad at me?"

After I assured him that he had done a terrific job and that God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table.

He winked at my grandson and said, "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer." "Really?" my grandson asked.

"Cross my heart," the man replied. Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), “Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is sometimes good for the soul."

Naturally, I bought my grandchildren ice cream at the end of the meal. My grandson stared at his ice cream for a moment, and then he did something I will remember the rest of my life. He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman. With a big smile he looked her in the eye and told her, "Here ma'am, this is for you, you grouchy old *itch. You must be a Democrat, so shove this where the sun don’t shine and cool off!"

Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it!

* * *

WHY IT IS GOOD TO HAVE MEMORY PROBLEMS

In the following analysis the French Professor Bruno Dubois Director of the Institute of Memory and Alzheimer's Disease (IMMA) at La Pitié-Salpêtrière - Paris Hospitals / addresses the subject in a rather reassuring way: “If anyone is aware of his memory problems, he does not have Alzheimer's."

Do you forget the names of families? Do you not remember where you put some things?

It often happens in people 60 years and older that they complain that they lack memory. "The information is always in the brain, it is the "processor" that is lacking." This is "Anosognosia," or temporary forgetfulness.

Half of people 60 and older have some symptoms that are due to age rather than disease.

The most common cases are:

* - forgetting the name of a person,

* - going to a room in the house and not remembering why we were going there,

* - a blank memory for a movie title or actor, an actress,

* - a waste of time searching where we left our glasses or keys ...

After 60 years most people have such a difficulty, which indicates that it is not a disease but rather a characteristic due to the passage of years. Many people are concerned about these oversights hence the importance of the following statement: “Those who are conscious of being forgetful have no serious problem of memory."

"Those who suffer from a memory illness or Alzheimer's, are not aware of what is happening."

Professor Bruno Dubois, Director of IMMA, reassures the majority of people concerned about their oversights:

"The more we complain about memory loss, the less likely we are to suffer from memory sickness."

Now for a little neurological test:

Only use your eyes!

1- Find the C in the table below!

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

- - -

2- If you have already found the C, then find the 6 in the table below.

99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999

99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999

99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999

69999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999

99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999

99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999

- - -

3- Now find the N in the table below. Attention, it's a little more difficult!

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMNMM

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

- - -

If you pass these three tests without problem:

* - you can cancel your annual visit to the neurologist.

* - your brain is in perfect shape!

* - you are far from having any relationship with Alzheimer's.

- - -

ON A HAPPY NOTE: As a Thanksgiving treat from The Saturday Funnies:

No. 1 – The ‘C’ is in the middle of the seventh row.

No. 2 – The ‘9’ is the first figure in the fourth row.

No. 3 – The ‘N’ is the third figure from the right in the first row.

* * *

THIS WEEK’S VIDEO IS A ‘MUST’ FOR EVERY AMERICAN THIS THANKSGIVING

Behold the Star Spangled Banner As You've Never Heard It – Regardless of your age, where you live in the United States, or what you believe to be true in life, this week’s video is the truth in every detail. Well over 10 million Americans have seen it and its legend will hardly be lost on anyone who will grace your table this Thursday. The Saturday Funnies believes it should best be watched just minutes before we sit together and give thanks for the greatest nation the world has ever known. This is an account of how it all started. You will soon learn that the dead bodies of our greatest patriots were stacked up around the battered flagpole that was being used to keep our banner high through the night. As George Washington said, “The thing that sets the American Christian apart (from all others) is that he will die on his feet rather than live on his knees.” The patriots who were held as prisoners in the British ships’ cargo holds offshore wanted to know was about the flag., that it should never fall, and as dawn broke in the harbor of Fort McHenry in Baltimore, a lawyer named Francis Scott Key heard their imprisoned cries: “Tell us about the flag. Does she still fly? ‘Oh say does that star-spangled banner yet fly, still wave?” CLICK HERE.

royexum@aol.com

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