Roy Exum: The Saturday Funnies

Saturday, May 11, 2019 - by Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

Some years back my great pastor Ben Haden and I were coming back from a meeting – this was shortly after lunch – and I stopped for the red light at Fourth and Market. As we were waiting for the light to change a homeless guy, his hair matted and his clothes showing grime, shuffled in front of the car and Ben said, “See that guy? I’ve never seen him before but I can tell you one certainty and I’ll be right every time.”

Now Ben had my attention. As I watched the crusty guy step the curb, I looked at Ben and, with a winsome gentleness, he told me, “That guy’s mother still believes he will one day … become the President of the United States.”

As The Saturday Funnies salutes our mothers, and the two-way street where no matter what you do this Sunday you’ll never come close to what she has done for every day of your life, kindly remember I did not write any of these stories, but only collect the best from each week to share.

Last week I included a story about Neil Gorsuch, the Supreme Court justice, only to learn the next afternoon it was untrue.

The website Snopes found it to be false and I gave myself a good bashing once I knew “false news” had nicked me. While it strengthened my resolve to “check-check-double-check,” I’ll probably get “got” again because I adore to find the good in people.

This week we’ll start with the inspirational question by a blind girl before we get to The Saturday Funnies …

* * *

‘HEY, MISTER … CAN I ASK YOU ONE LAST QUESTION?’

Apples ... A few years ago a group of salesmen went to a regional sales convention in Chicago. They had assured their wives that they would be home in plenty of time for Friday night's dinner. In their rush to catch the plane home and with tickets and briefcases, one of these salesmen inadvertently kicked over a table which held a display of apples. Apples flew everywhere. Without stopping or looking back, they all managed to reach the plane in time for their nearly-missed boarding …

All but one.

He paused, took a deep breath, got in touch with his feelings and experienced a twinge of compassion for the girl whose apple stand had been overturned. He told his buddies to go on without him, waved good-bye, told one of them to call his wife when they arrived at their home destination and explain his taking a later flight.

Then he returned to the terminal where the apples were all over the terminal floor. He was glad he did. The 16-year-old girl was totally blind! She was softly crying, tears running down her cheeks in frustration, and at the same time helplessly groping for her spilled produce as the crowd swirled about her; no one stopping and no one to care for her plight.

The salesman knelt on the floor with her, gathered up the apples, put them back on the table and helped organize her display. As he did this, he noticed that many of them had become battered and bruised; these he set aside in another basket.

When he had finished, he pulled out his wallet and said to the girl, "Here, please take this $50 for the damage we did. Are you okay?" She nodded through her tears.

He continued on with, "I hope we didn't spoil your day too badly. "As the salesman started to walk away, the bewildered blind girl called out to him, "Mister… Can I ask you one last question …" He paused and turned to look back into those blind eyes. She continued, "Are you Jesus?"

He stopped in mid-stride … And he wondered. He gently went back and said, "No, I am nothing like Jesus - He is good, kind, caring, loving, and would never have bumped into your display in the first place.

"The girl gently nodded: "I only asked because I prayed for Jesus to help me gather the apples. He sent you to help me, Thank you for hearing Jesus, Mister."

Then slowly he made his way to catch the later flight with that question burning and bouncing about in his soul: "Are you Jesus?"

Do people mistake you for Jesus?

That's our destiny, is it not? To be so much like Jesus that people cannot tell the difference as we live and interact with a world that is blind to His love, life and grace.

If we claim to know Him, we should live, walk and act as He would. Knowing Him is more than simply quoting scripture and going to church. It's actually living the Word as life unfolds day to day.

You are the apple of His eye even though you, too, have been bruised by a fall. He stopped what He was doing and picked up you and me on a hill called Calvary and paid in full for our damaged fruit.

* * *

DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY COAL-POWERED PLANTS THAT THERE ARE IN THIS WORLD?

On Friday (yesterday) The Associated Press filed this story: ALBANY, N.Y. (AP) — New York state’s plan to end carbon emissions from coal-fired power plants by the end of 2020 remains on track. Democratic Governor Andrew Cuomo announced Thursday that the state's Department of Environmental Conservation has adopted the final rules for the phaseout, which Cuomo first announced in 2016. New York has only two operating coal plants, both upstate and owned by Beowulf Energy. They generate a small fraction of the state's power.

- - -

Earlier this week it was reported:
The European Union has 468, building 27 more... Total  495
Turkey has 56, building 93 more... Total  149
South Africa has 79, building 24 more... Total  103
India has 589, building 446 more... Total  1,036
Philippines has 19, building 60 more... Total
South Korea has 58, building 26 more... Total 84
Japan has 90, building 45 more... Total135
China has 2,363, building 1171 more... Total 3,534

- - -

That’s 5,615 projected coal powered plants in 8 countries.
USA has 15 building 0 more... Total 15
And Democrat politicians with their "green new deal" now want to shut down those 15 plants in order to "save" the planet?!?

* * *

HERE’S ANOTHER LOOK AT ‘THE NEW GREEN DEAL …

Yesterday after shopping in our local supermarket, I was in the queue at the Check Out, and heard when the young cashier suggested to the much older lady that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags are not good for the environment.

The woman apologized to the young girl and then sighed, "We didn't have this 'green thing' back in my earlier days."

The young clerk responded, "That's our problem today. You folk didn't do enough to save our environment for future generations."

The older lady said "Ahh yes you're right -- our generation didn't have the "green thing" in its day.
She sighed then continued: “Back then, we returned milk bottles, lemonade bottles & beer bottles to the shops. The shops then sent them back to the plant to be washed, sterilized & refilled, so those same bottles were used over and over, thus REALLY were recycled.

“But we didn't have the "green thing" back in our day.

“Grocery stores put our groceries into brown paper bags that we reused for numerous things.
“Most memorable was the use of brown paper bags as book covers for our school books. This was to ensure that public property (the books provided for our use by the school) were not defaced by our scribblings.

“Then we were able to personalize our books on their brown paper bag/covers. But, too bad we didn't do the "green thing" back then. I remember how we walked up stairs because we didn't have an escalator in every store or office building; walked to the grocery store & didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go 200 yards. But she was right. We didn't have the "green thing" in our day.

“Back then we washed the baby's nappies because we didn't have the throw away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy-gobbling machine burning up 220 volts. Wind & solar power really did dry our clothes back in our days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing … But that young lady is right; we didn't have the "green thing" back in our day.

“Back then we had one radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room. And if anyone did own a TV, it had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of a football pitch.

“When cooking we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send by post, we used layers of old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity … But she's right; we didn't have the "green thing" back then.

“We drank from a tap or fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, & we replaced the razor blade in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull. But we didn't have the "green thing" back then.

“Back then, people took the bus & kids rode bikes to school or walked instead of turning their mothers into a 24-hour taxi service in the family's expensive car or van, which cost what a whole house did before the "green thing."

“Oh … and we had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances.

“And we didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 23,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest leisure park.

“But it so sad this current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have the "green thing" back then? I think you should share this with some other selfish old person who needs a lesson in conservation from some smart-*** young person.

* * *

HOW THREE ‘HOLY MEN’ BROUGHT RELIGION TO THE BEARS

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi were sitting around drinking coffee.  Someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided that each would find a bear and attempt to convert it to their religion.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.

Well, he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear came after me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb.'

Reverend Billy Bob the Baptist spoke next. He was in a wheelchair and had an IV drip. 'I went out and found me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from the Bible! But that bear came after me. We wrestled down one hill, until we came to a creek. So I quickly dunked him and baptized his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb'.
 
The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him.  The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it - circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

* * *

THE LATEST IN GUN LOGIC

1 - Eleven teens die each day because of texting while driving. Maybe it's time to raise the age of Smart phone ownership to 21.
2 - If gun control laws actually worked, Chicago would be Mayberry.
3 - The Second Amendment makes more women equal than the entire feminist movement.
4 - Legal gun owners have 300 million guns and probably a trillion rounds of ammo. Seriously, folks, if we were the problem, you'd know it.
5 - When JFK was killed, nobody blamed the rifle.
6 - The NRA murders 0 people and receives $0 in government funds. Planned Parenthood kills 350,000 babies every year and receives $500,000,000 in tax dollars annually.
7 - I have no problem with vigorous background checks when it comes to firearms.
While we're at it, let's do the same when it comes to immigration, Voter I.D and candidates running for office. Also for welfare recipients.
8 - You don't need a smoke detector; that's what the fire department is for. Now ... if you think that sounds stupid, you know how I feel when you say I don't need a gun.
9 - Folks keep talking about another Civil War. It will never happen because one side knows how to shoot and has a trillion bullets. The other side has crying closets and is confused about which bathroom to use. How do you think that's going to end?

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THIS WEEK’S BEST VIDEO – This week’s best video may not mean much until you try to do it! Watch Shemika Charles on James Corden’s late-night show CLICK HERE.

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royexum@aol.com


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