Roy Exum: The Saturday Funnies

Saturday, August 10, 2019 - by Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

With public and private schools welcoming the excited students back to school, the Saturday Funnies finds it only fitting to share five great school jokes when all the little Johnnys fell to the censor’s eraser. My favorite is the classic about what makes Bobbyjack see, but the great part is that every year our teachers have more real-life originals.

As always, please know that I do not write the jokes and stories that come my way – I simply gather my funny email to share at the end of each week. Regardless, “Kids say the darnedest things,” as the late Art Linkletter proved years ago … and they still do!

* * *

AS CHILDREN RETURN TO SCHOOL, SO DOES LAUGHTER

Teacher: What makes you see?

Bobbyjack: My eyes, my nose and my ears.

Teacher: True for the eyes but why for your ears and nose?

Bobbyjack: It's to hold my d**n glasses

- - -

One day the kids in Ms. Evans science class were disagreeing with her.

Ms. Evans was talking about evolution. Ms. Evans was an atheist so she didn't believe in God.

Then Jackie raised his hand and said, "But I thought God created mankind?"

Ms. Evans then replied, "Well can you see God?"

"No."

"Hear God?"

"No."

"Feel God?"

"No." This went on for quite a while.

"Well then God doesn't exist."

Then Jackie whispered back to his friend Jimmy, "Can you see Ms. Evan's brain. No, so that must not exist."

- - -

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the boarding students:

"The female dormitory is out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. The second time you will be fined $60. A third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

A male student inquired, "How much for a season pass?"

- - -

"Mother: What did you learn in school today

Son: How to write.

Mother: What did you write?

Son: I don't know, they haven't taught us how to read yet!

* * *

WHEN YOU’VE EARNED THE RIGHT TO BE WRONG

This was written by somebody I think must be about my age, thus it is most profound. His letter begins:

“I can hit the golf ball any way I can and laugh if it goes in the lake.  That's the breaks. I'm just happy I can still hit that golf ball.  I am forwarding this to those on my Seniors e-mail list because it is so  well written. As I've aged, I've become kinder to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend.

I have seen too many dear friends leave this world, too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.  

Whose business is it, if I choose to read, or play, on the computer, until 4 AM, or sleep until noon? I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 50, 60 & 70's, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love, I will.  

I will walk the beach, in a swimsuit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves, with abandon, if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set. They too, will get old.  

I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And, I eventually remember the important things.  

Sure, over the years, my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break, when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody's beloved pet passes? But broken hearts are what give us strength, and understanding, and compassion. A heart never broken, is pristine, and sterile, and will never know the joy of being imperfect.  

I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver. 

As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore. I've even earned the right to be wrong.  

So, to answer your question, I like being old. It has set me free.  I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been or worrying about what will be.  And I shall eat dessert every single day (if I feel like it).  

The dream: May our friendship never come apart, especially when it is straight from the heart!

-- Author unknown

* * *

HERE ARE SOME RETIREMENT IDEAS THAT TELL ‘THE REST OF THE STORY

 You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where...

1.You are willing to park 3 blocks away from your house because you found shade.

2. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.

3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.

4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.

5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.

6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??

OR

You can retire to California where...

1. You make over $450,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.

2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.

3. You know how to eat an artichoke.

4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.

5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many  miles   away it is.

6. The 4 seasons are:  Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.

OR

You can retire to New York City where...

1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan ....

2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.

3. You think Central Park is "nature."

4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.

5. You've worn out a car horn. (IF you have a car).

6 You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

OR

You can retire to Minnesota where...

1. You only have three spices:  salt, pepper, and ketchup ...

2. Halloween costumes have to fit over parkas.

3. You have seventeen recipes for casserole.

4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.

5. The four seasons are:  almost winter, winter, still winter, and road repair.

6. The highest level of criticism is "He is different, she is different or…  It was different!

OR

You can retire to The Deep South where...

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.

2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.

3. "He needed killin" is a valid defense.

4. Everyone has 2 first names:  Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Joe Bob, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.

5. Everywhere is either:  "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder".

OR

You can retire to Colorado where...

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.

2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, so he stops at the day care center.

3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.

4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

OR

You can retire to the Nebraska where..

1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.

2. Your idea of a traffic jam is three cars waiting to pass a tractor.

3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.

4. You end sentences with a preposition:  "Where's my coat at.

OR

FINALLY You can retire to Florida where...

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.

2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.

3. Everyone can recommend an excellent cardiologist, dermatologist, proctologist, podiatrist, or orthopedist.

4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.

5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.

* * *

A FALLEN SEAL’S MOM EXPLAINS THE ‘SALTY SAILOR’

The views this mother has about Donald Trump are much like many other people.  Her characterization of Trump as the "Salty Sailor" or as "The Fireman" paint an excellent picture!! She has written many great books about her son and family.

This is a Comment from KAREN VAUGHN, Mother of Aaron Vaughn, Navy Seal.

Sometimes God uses the no-nonsense, salty sailor to get the job done.  Appreciating what the man is doing doesn't mean we worship the salty sailor or even desire to be like the salty sailor.  It doesn't even mean God admires the salty sailor.  Maybe He just knows he's necessary for such a time as this.

I believe with all my heart that God placed that salty sailor in the White House to give this nation one more chance in November 2016.  Donald Trump is what he is – and he is still the man he was before the election – and without guilt. I very much admire what that salty sailor is accomplishing.

He's not like me.  That's okay with me I don't want to be like him.  I will never behave like him.  I know we've NEVER had a man like him lead our nation before.  It's crazy and a little mind blowing at times.  But I can't help admiring the stamina and ability he has – acting with his heart rather than a calculated, PC, think tank-screened, carefully edited script.  I still believe that is WHY he became our President and WHY he's been able to handle a landslide of adversity and STILL pass unprecedented amounts of good legislation for our country AND do great works for MANY other nations, including Israel.

I'm THRILLED with what he's doing for my nation, for the cause of Christ (whether intentional or unintentional, doesn't matter to me), and for the concept of rebuilding America and putting her FIRST.  I will not be ashamed of my position because others don't see him through the same lens.

Should it matter to me if a fireman drops an f-bomb while he's pulling me from a burning building?  Would I really care about what came out of his mouth in those moments?  Heck no!  I'd CARE about what he was DOING.  He wasn't sent there to save my soul and I'm not looking to him for spiritual guidance.  All I'm thinking in those moments is, "Thank you, GOD, for sending the fireman." AND DONALD TRUMP IS OUR FIREMAN.

I'll soon post this article again for those who still might not understand me.  This man is crass  Okay.  He's not careful with what he says.  Okay.  You feel offended that he's not a typical statesman.  Okay.  But he is DOING THE JOB of rebuilding the nation my son died for...  the nation I feared was on a fast track to becoming a hopeless cause. Forgive me if I'm smiling." (Written by Karen Vaughn several years after the burial of her son.

* * *

MUST READ: MATT LAUER, ‘TODAY SHOW’ DID THE RIGHT THING

FROM SNOPES FACT-CHECKING SITE: On 6 August 2011, Taliban fighters downed a U.S. CH-47 Chinook helicopter in Afghanistan, killing 38 people, including 30 members of the American military (17 Navy SEALs, five members of a Naval Special Warfare unit that supports SEALs, three Air Force personnel and five Army aircrew members) as well as seven Afghan soldiers and an Afghan interpreter. On 8 August 2011, Today Show host Matt Lauer conducted an interview with the grieving family of Aaron Vaughn, one of the Navy SEALS killed in that incident, speaking with Vaughn’s widow, Kimberly, and his parents, Billy and Karen:

 The e-mail reproduced in the Example block (included in news release)  claims that a reference to Christ was edited out of the interview by NBC in repeat airings and in the online clip of the interview made available by MSNBC via the MSN web site because “using the word Christ might offend someone.” However, a viewing of the interview as offered on MSN shows no signs of editing and includes religious references from all three participants, including Kimberly Vaughn’s mention of her husband’s “love for Christ.”

* * *

THE BEST VIDEO I HAVE SEEN THIS WEEK

It is “bad form” for a gentleman to ever laugh at another’s misfortune but then there are exceptions to the rule. You are about to see three flashy pretenders from Europe as they expand their mind’s limit with let’s be big and call it “medical marijuana.” But wait! The weed is said to be top notch.  You need to know the “medical part” starts when about half-way though this clip you can see a blur come from the top right of your screen. Actually, the blur is really an inquisitive squirrel diving through the open sunroof of the car. As you focus on the guy in the back seat, again let me remind you the smoke has expanded the minds of the three puffers. To watch for yourself at what happens, please CLICK HERE.

------ 

royexum@aol.com


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