Roy Exum: The Saturday Funnies

Saturday, January 25, 2020 - by Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

I love the story that is going around about a guy being interviewed in one of these desperation job fairs – with unemployment figures as low as they are – and the kid is being interviewed by Volkswagen. The boy is smart but, better yet, he’s passed the drug test. As the recruiter pushed to close the deal, he says, “We’ll start you at $25,000 but a little later you’ll be up to $40,000.” The kid eyed his potential employer and then said in his best East Tennessee twang, “Then I reckon the best thing for me is to come around and see you ‘a little later.’”

The Saturday Funnies has gauged that one as a classic and, as we bring the last issue in January (next Saturday will be Feb.

1), kindly remember The Saturday Funnies are simply what we find in our emails each week. We do not author the Funnies, but love passing some of them along in hopes you can end your week on a laugh.

Here's another one from a job fair interview, “I have a very good feeling about my job interview today. The manager said they were looking for somebody responsible. “You’ve found your man,” I told him, “whenever there was a problem in my last job, they always said that I was responsible!” 

Here is this week’s collection:

* * *

“EDUCATE YOUR CHILDREN TO BE HAPPY”

Steve Jobs was the co-founder, chairman and CEO of Apple Corporation and died in 2011, aged 56, after succumbing to pancreatic cancer. He posted the following observation just prior to his death. Steve Jobs had a wealth of $10.2 billion, and he took not a penny on his last voyage. This was his last essay:

"I reached the pinnacle of success in the business world. In some others' eyes, my life is the epitome of success. However, aside from work, I have little joy. In the end, my wealth is only a fact of life that I am accustomed to. At this moment, lying on my bed and recalling my life, I realize that all the recognition and wealth that I took so much pride in have paled and become meaningless in the face of my death.

You can employ someone to drive the car for you, make money for you but you cannot have someone bear your sickness for you. Material things lost can be found or replaced. But there is one thing that can never be found when it's lost - life. Whichever stage in life you are in right now, with time, you will face the day when the curtain comes down. 

Treasure love for your family, love for your spouse, love for your friends. Treat yourself well and cherish others. As we grow older, and hopefully wiser, we realize that a $300 or a $30 watch both tell the same time. You will realize that your true inner happiness does not come from the material things of this world. Whether you fly first class or economy, if the plane goes down - you go down with it.

Therefore, I hope you realize, when you have mates, buddies and old friends, brothers and sisters, who you chat with, laugh with, talk with, have sing songs with, talk about north-south-east-west or heaven and earth, that is true happiness! Don't educate your children to be rich. Educate them to be happy. So when they grow up they will know the value of things and not the price. Eat your food as your medicine, otherwise you have to eat medicine as your food.

There is a big difference between a human being and being human. Only a few really understand it. You are loved when you are born. You will be loved when you die. In between, you have to manage!

The six best doctors in the world are sunlight, rest, exercise, diet, self-confidence and friends. Maintain them in all stages and enjoy a healthy life."

* * *

WHY YOU SHOULD NEVER DOUBT A DEAD DUCK

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." 

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet. 

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." 

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. 

A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. 

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." 

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

* * *

TWO DANDIES THAT READERS SENT IN

* -- “He who laughs last is the slowest thinker.

* - “My son and I were at a chess tournament in Roswell, GA and I spotted this wording on a chess player's Tee Shirt:    "Hyphenated. Non-Hyphenated. Oh, the irony"

* * *

THINGS A SOUTHERN BOY WILL NEVER SAY

30. When I retire, I'm movin' North.

29. I'll take Shakespeare for $1000,  Alex.

28. Duct tape won't fix that.

27. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken with a slice of lime.

26. We don't keep guns in this house.

25. You can't feed that to the dog.

24. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.

23. Pro wrestling is fake.

22. We're vegetarians.

21. Do you think my gut is too big?

20. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits, grits and gravy.

 19. Honey, we don't need another dog.

18. Who gives a rip who won the Civil War?

17. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.

16. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.

15. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.

14. Trim the fat off that steak.

13. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.

12. The tires on that truck are too dang big.

11. I've got it all on the C: DRIVE.       

10. Unsweetened tea tastes better.

9. My fiancée is registered at Tiffany's.

8. I've got two cases of Blue Moon iced down for the Super Bowl.

7. Checkmate!

6. She's too young to be wearing that bikini.

5. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.

4. I don't have a favorite football team.

3. "Youse Guys"

2. Those cutoffs ought to be a little longer, Betty Mae.

1. Nope, no more beer for me. I'm driving a whole busload of us down to help in the Elizabeth Warren Campaign. 

* * *

THE SECRET OF THE 50TH ANNIVERSARY

At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto , they have weekly husbands' marriage seminars.

At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, "Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!"

The priest responded, "Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?"

Giuseppe proudly replied, " I gonna go pick her up."

* * *

YOU CAN ALWAYS TELL WHO IS THE MARINE

A young Naval officer was in a terrible car accident, but due to the heroics of the hospital staff the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear.

Since he wasn’t physically impaired he remained in the military and eventually became an Admiral. However, during his career he was always sensitive about his appearance.

One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Gunnery Sergeant for his personal staff. The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, “Do you notice anything different about me?”

The Master Chief answered, “Why yes. I couldn’t help but notice you are missing your starboard ear, so I don’t know whether this impacts your hearing on that side.”

The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office. The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, “Well yes, you seem to be short one ear.” The Admiral threw him out also.

The third interview was with the Marine Gunnery Sergeant. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question. “Do you notice anything different about me?”

To his surprise the Gunnery Sergeant said, “Yes. You wear contact lenses.”

The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Marine. “And how do you know that?” the Admiral asked.

The Gunny replied, “Well sir, it’s pretty hard to wear glasses with only one ear.”

* * *

THIS WEEK’S UNFORGETTABLE VIDEO

Without a big fanfare, allow me to introduce the college student I longed to be. CLICK HERE.

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royexum@aol.com


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