Roy Exum: The Saturday Funnies

A wonderful group of loyalists to The Saturday Funnies sent a covey of wonderful jokes during a week when the most convoluted election in our nation’s history leaves all of us in need of something funny to laugh about. This cute riddle was in the bunch:

A Japanese ship is on its way to shore from the Atlantic Ocean. The captain decides to take a shower. He leaves his Rolex watch and diamond studded gold bracelet on a shelf. When he is finished he finds both his watch and bracelet are missing.

He calls the four-man crew together and asks them what they were doing while he was in the shower.

Here are their answers:

The cook - I was in the galley making bacon sandwiches for everyone.

The engineer - I was in the generator room checking the equipment.

The first mate - I saw that the flag was flying upside down, so I went to correct it.

The second mate - I was off duty so I took a nap.

The captain knew who the thief was. Do you?

While you ponder the answer, please be reminded we do not write The Saturday Funnies. Each week they are a collection of funny emails and humorous jokes that are sent to royexum@aol.com. They are very much appreciated.

Now, who stole the skipper’s Rolex watch? It was the first mate, who apparently failed to notice the Japanese flag, a bright red disc on a white flag, looks the exact same whether up or down! (The national flag of Japan is a rectangular white banner bearing a crimson-red disc at its center. This flag is officially called Nisshoki (the "flag of sun"), but is more commonly known in Japan as Hinomaru (the "circle of the sun").

Now, for the rest of The Saturday Funnies:

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SOME VERY INTERESTING STUFF

* -- In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have 'the rule of thumb'

* -- Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only ... Ladies Forbidden' … and thus, the word GOLF entered into the English language.

* -- The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV was Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

* -- Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S. Treasury.

* -- Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

* -- Coca-Cola was originally green.

* -- It is impossible to lick your elbow.

* -- The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska.

* -- The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this... The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%)

* -- The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $ 16,400 (The benefits of having a medium-sized dog: Priceless)

* -- The average number of people airborne over the U.S. In any given hour: 61,000 (pre-COVID)

* -- Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

* -- The first novel ever written on a typewriter, “Tom Sawyer.”

* -- The San Francisco Cable Cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

* -- Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history: Spades - King David from the Bible; Hearts – Charlemagne; Clubs -- Alexander, The Great; Diamonds - Julius Caesar.

* -- 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987, 654,321

* -- If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died because of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes. If the statue is gone, you are in a city controlled by Democrats.

* -- Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

* -- Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what? A. Their birthplace

* -- Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested? A. Obsession

* -- Q.. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter 'A'? A. One thousand.

* -- Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers have in common? A. All were invented by women.

* -- Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil? A. Honey

* -- Q. Which day was there more collect calls than any other day of the year? A. Father's Day (this was prior to cell phones)

* -- In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes, the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase...'Goodnight, sleep tight'

* -- It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.

* -- In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them 'Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down.' It's where we get the phrase to 'mind your P's and Q's'

* -- Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. 'Wet your whistle' is the phrase inspired by this practice.

* -- At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!

* -- Don't delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it!

“I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mind! Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the first and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it wouthit a porbelm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?”

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YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2020 WHEN ...

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list

and …

now you are laughing at yourself.

Go on, forward this to your friends. You know you want to!  Then, go lick your elbow.

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THE HAMSTER & THE FROG

A mangy looking guy walks into a very classy restaurant and orders a steak. The waitress says: "I'm sorry, but I don't think you can pay for your meal."

The guy admits, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me my supper?"

The waitress, both curious and compassionate, says, "Only if what you show me isn't risque."

"Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster.

He puts the hamster on the ground and it runs across the room, directly to a piano.

The hamster then proceeds to climb up the piano, and starts playing Gershwin songs.

The waitress says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano."

The guy sits back and enjoys a fine steak supper with all the trimmings.

Shortly thereafter, he asks the waitress, "Can I have a piece of that fine blueberry pie I see on the dessert cart over there?"

"Only if you got another miracle up your sleeve", says the waitress.

The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog.

He puts the frog on the table, and the frog starts to sing up a storm!

A stranger from a nearby table runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. The guy says "It's a deal."

He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the restaurant.

The waitress says to the guy "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions!"

"No", says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist."

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HERE’S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU SELL AN UGLY SUIT

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk had some very good news for him.

"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"

"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?!" the manager asked.

"That's the one!"  said the clerk.

"That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me, why is your hand bandaged?"

"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his seeing-eye dog bit me."

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