Roy Exum: The Saturday Funnies

Saturday, December 5, 2020 - by Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

And so, just as the wise men saw a star in the East and wondered, The Saturday Funnies also wondered if some of our loyal readers might bear light on three Holiday riddles in this, a year we never thought might end. Here are three riddles with the answers to follow. But try not to peek before you figure them out!

RIDDLE No. 1 – Santa was having problems with his legs and was unable to walk so he went to the hospital to ask the doctor if he could recommend something for him. What did the doctor give to Santa to help him to walk?

RIDDLE No. 2 – What did Adam say to Eve in the Garden of Eden on the day before Christmas?

RIDDLE No.

3 – I can be found in the month of December but in no other month? What am I?

As you await the ‘gong’ sound on the timer, kindly remember we do not write the Saturday Funnies. We gather them each week from the emails that come our way or the fun jokes our readers share. Some insist they are the best things I write every week but what’s funny is that I do not write any of them! Onward to the Funnies: We hope you’ll get a kick out of this week’s collection!

ANSWER No. 1 – Why, of course, a candy cane.

ANSWER No. 2 – “It’s Christmas, Eve.”

ANSWER No. 3 – The letter ‘D’.

* * *

On to this week’s Funnies …

HAS ANYBODY EVER SEEN THEIR “PERMANENT RECORD?”

Just before the 2020 Presidential election, my pal John conducted an informal survey of Chattanoogans he would see and he would ask, “Have you ever talked to a national pollster?” He said he could not find anyone who had.

So, the Saturday Funnies has a similar question. As a somewhat mischievous child, I was constantly threatened that if I didn’t straighten up, my deeds would be recorded on my “permanent record.” I heard this threat for a full 12 years, all the way through high school. This was over 60 years ago, I’m telling you, and I am beginning to suspect my now fondly-missed educators may have been chronic liars. Has anyone ever seen a copy of their “permanent record?” Yes, I know mine would been thick and burdensome but, really, has anyone actually seen a “permanent record?” If so, where is it right now? I’ve got a couple of older girls I would like to check out.

* * *

URGENT ADVISORY TO COVID-19 PRACTITIONERS

We must get this message out to the Center for Disease Control and all labs! 

Here's something we can all agree on. 

1. The vaccine should be tested on politicians first.

2. If they survive, the vaccine is safe.

3. If they don't, the country is safe.

* * *

THE WISEST OF ALL THE ARABS

Q: An Arab sheik is old and soon he must designate his vast fortune to one of his two sons. So, he makes a proposition. His two sons will ride their camels in a race, and whichever camel crosses the finish line LAST will win the fortune for its owner. During the race, the two brothers wander aimlessly for days, neither willing to cross the finish line.

In desperation, they ask a wise man for advice. He tells them something, then the brothers leap onto the camels and charge toward the finish line.

What did the wise man say?

A: The rules of the race were that the owner of the camel that crosses the finish line last wins the fortune. The wise man simply told them to switch camels. Works for me!

* * *

HOW THE ‘GUVMENT’ REALLY WORKS

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House.

One is from Chicago, another is from Kentucky, and the third is from New Orleans.

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The New Orleans contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.

"Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $9,000. That's $4,000 for materials, $4,000 for my crew and $1,000 profit for me."

The Kentucky contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $7,000.

That's $3,000 for materials, $3,000 for my crew and $1,000 profit for me."

The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$27,000."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys. How did you come up with such a high figure?

"The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$10,000 for me, $10,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Kentucky to fix the fence!”

"Done!" replies the government official.

Remember... Four boxes keep us free: the soap box, the ballot box, the jury box, and the cartridge box.

* * *

SOME IMPORTANT THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW

1. Your shoes are the first thing people subconsciously notice about you. Wear nice shoes. (For me personally, it’s dirty fingernails).

2. If you sit for more than 11 hours a day, there's a 50 percent chance you'll die within the next three years.

3. There are at least six people in the world who look exactly like you. There's a nine percent chance that you'll meet one of them in your lifetime.

4. Sleeping without a pillow reduces back pain and keeps your spine stronger.

5. A person’s height is determined by their father, and their weight is determined by their mother.

6. If a part of your body "falls asleep", You can almost always "wake it up" by shaking your head.

7. There are three things the human brain cannot resist noticing - food, attractive people and danger.

8. Right-handed people tend to chew food on their right side.

9. Putting dry tea bags in gym bags or smelly shoes will absorb the unpleasant odor.

10. According to Albert Einstein, if honeybees were to disappear from earth, humans would be dead within four years.

11. There are so many kinds of apples, that if you ate a new one every day, it would take over 20 years to try them all.

12. You can survive without eating for weeks, but you will only live 11 days without sleeping.

13. People who laugh a lot are healthier than those who don’t.

14. Laziness and inactivity kills just as many people as smoking.

15. A human brain has a capacity to store five times as much information as Wikipedia.

16. Our brain uses the same amount of power as a 10-watt light bulb.

17. Our body gives enough heat in 30 minutes to boil 1.5 liters of water.

18. The Ovum egg is the largest cell and the sperm is the smallest cell.

19. Stomach acid (conc. HCl) is strong enough to dissolve razor blades.

20. Take a 10-30 minute walk every day and while you walk, SMILE. It is the ultimate antidepressant.

21. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.

22. When you wake up in the morning, pray to ask God's guidance for your purpose today.

23. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.

24. Drink green tea and plenty of water. Eat blueberries, broccoli, and almonds.

25. Try to make at least three people smile each day.

26. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip, energy vampires, issues of the past, negative thoughts and things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.

27. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a college kid with a maxed-out charge card.

28. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

29. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Forgive them for everything.

30. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

31. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

32. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.

33. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

34. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

35. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: 'In five years, will this matter?'

36. Help the needy, Be generous! Be a giver not a taker. 

37. What other people think of you is none of your business.

38. Time heals everything.

39. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

40. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

42. Each night before you go to bed, pray to God and be thankful for what you accomplished today. What if you woke up this morning and only had what you thanked God for yesterday? Never forget to thank God for everything.

43. Remember that you are too blessed to be stressed.

* * *

A COLLECTION OF FUNNY HEADLINES

Proofreading seems to be a lost art.  I often chuckle at some of the wording in our local papers, and the "humor" appears in other papers as well.  Here are some examples:

* -- Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter

* -- Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

* -- Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

* -- Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

* -- Miners Refuse to Work After Death

* -- Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

* -- War Dims Hope for Peace

* -- If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

* -- Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

* -- Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

* -- Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges (stronger than duct tape)

* -- New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

* -- Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft (Beanie-Winnies now banned from space capsule)

* -- Kids Make Nutritious Snacks (Do they taste like chicken?)

* -- Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half (really bloody)

* -- Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors (really tall guys)

And this month’s winner is …

* -- Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

* * *

OBAMA RATED FIFTH BEST PRESIDENT BY TEXAS A&M

I know you will find this hard to believe, but Texas A&M study calls Obama 5th Best President in America. Good research work by a fine institution. From a total of 45 U.S. Presidents: Obama is rated as the 5th best. The A&M’s Public Relations Office released this statement: “After 8 years in office, Americans have rated President Obama the 5th best President ever.”

These are the details according to Texas A&M:

1. Reagan, Lincoln and Trump tied for first,

2. Twenty three presidents tied for second,

3. Seventeen other presidents tied for third,

4. Jimmy Carter came in fourth, and

5. Barack Obama came in fifth.

Gotta’ love those Aggies?

* * *

THE IRISH MILLIONAIRE

Mick, from Dublin, appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 euros.

"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, "but for a million euros … you've only got one life-line left to phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?"

"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"

"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?

a) Sparrow b) Thrush, c) Magpie, or d) Cuckoo?"

"I haven't got a clue." said Mick, ''So I'll use my last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin ..."

Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.

“Auld son, Mick!” cried Paddy. "Dat's simple … it's a cuckoo."

"Are you sure?" Mick moaned to Patty.

"Of course, I'm sure!"

Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go with cuckoo as my answer."

"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris. "Dat it is."

There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you’ve just won 1 million euros!"

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

"Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"

“Because he lives in a tick-tock clock!"

* * *

THIS WEEK’S BEST VIDEOS

* -- When a cast of over 1,000 joined The Piano Guys in this Christmas presentation, nobody ever dreamed the entire the Mormon Tabernacle Choir would show up! CLICK HERE.

* -- Want some hope as the coronavirus rages? Listen to this one by Ray Charles. This one came from ‘The Dick Cavett Show’ on September 18, 1972. (Ray died in June of 2004 at age 73) CLICK HERE.

* -- The most famous Christmas song the world has ever known was written by Irving Berlin in 1942. The United States was at war and Bing Crosby first sang “White Christmas” live on his NBC radio show on Christmas Day that same year. It soon rocketed to our troops the world over. To date over 100 million copies have been sold and it is the No. 1 best-selling single of all time. (At No. 2 on most recent list is Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas Is You” (1993), and third is “O Holy Night” by Josh Groban) CLICK HERE.

* -- When life’s challenges appear, be like the eagle – go higher! CLICK HERE.

* -- My all-time favorite Christmas ad was done for The Coca-Cola Company by the South American agency, Wunderman Thompson Brasil. If this doesn’t touch your heart as you behold the wonder of Christmas, please seek out a priest and welcome the joy back into your heart. CLICK HERE.

royexum@aol.com


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