Roy Exum: The Saturday Funnies

Saturday, April 4, 2020 - by Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

Well, here we are: By nightfall Friday we had 1,097,909 cases of the coronavirus in the world, the count up by 69,073 in just one day. In Louisiana, where the total cases quite nearly doubled in 24 hours, there are 10,227 cases with 370 dead, a gain of 60 since the day before. The United States? It’s horrifying; 30,715 new cases on Friday pushing us easily over 275,000 with our deaths tapping at 1,500 every day.

It is seemingly impossible to laugh, our hearts torn, yet life’s gift is to persevere, to push on towards the end rather than stall in the middle and this is what happened to a lone driver on a rural road, his car coughing and sputtering to a stop in the dead center of nowhere.

The poor guy knew nothing about cars until, almost eerily, two horses approached him. The spotted roan (a horse with many dots) among the two said, “Fuel pump … take the air cleaner off, pop the carburetor two or three times with the heel of your shoe, and the car will respond. Follow this road 18 miles due west to Centerville and have the fuel pump replaced.”

The man did as he was told. He found a Toyota dealer and was promised his repairs within two hours …

Readers of the Saturday Funnies will recognize our stories come in the emails we get during the week. We do not write them, yet collect them in what we receive in our incoming batches every day. We believe the funnies have a reason, we need to laugh, to adjust, to live in the midst of our sorrows, and as our Toyota driver awaited his car, he saw a bar not for from the dealership, went in to quaff down a cold mug as he was waiting and told three tired cow hands his amazing story from the horse that gave advice.

The three cowboys nodded as he told what happened and then Leonard, who was obviously the outside trail rider of the three, told the visitors, “It was a big roan told you that, weren’t it.”

The man nodded, and Leonard said, “Thank God. The grey gelding standing beside him will tell you a lie when the truth’d serve him half a well…”

As you know to listen to the roans, not greys, here are this week’s funnies …

* * *

HERE’S A WONDERFUL PARODY: “IT AIN’T OUR FAULT!’

The first thing you need to do on this one is go to YouTube and get the song, “It’s Ain’t My Fault” by the Brothers Osborne. – Short cut: CLICK HERE.

As the music plays, read these “alternate lyrics”

To the tune of - It Ain't My Fault

By: Brothers Osborne, parody by Dale Livingston

- - -

Blame the COVID on Bats

Blame the Bats on their peepee

Blame the markets in Huanan

Cause they’re really really creepy

 

Blame the spread on the young

Blame the young cause they party

Blame the parties on the beaches that were way too hardy

But it ain’t their fault

No it ain’t their fault

 

We got our masks on

We need to separate

Find us a vaccine that will decimate

This thing’s from China

It needs to just die

Don’t blame the U.S. for this blight on the World

CAUSE IT AIN’T OUR FAULT!!!

 

Jingping can claim he wasn’t hiding

So we better stop our chiding

But it ain't our fault

 

Blame our Pres for his vision

Blame his vision on his hair

Blame his hair, says mainstream media

But who really even cares

 

Blame finances on no working

Blame no working on the spread

Blame the spread cause they tell us

That we will all soon be dead

But it ain’t our fault

No it ain’t our fault

 

We got our masks on

We need to separate

Find us a vaccine that will decimate

This thing’s from China

It needs to just die

Don’t blame the U.S. for this blight on the World

CAUSE IT AIN’T OUR FAULT!!!

* * *

THE LADY’S BEAUTIFUL BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee and gathers pictures of those she loves in her kitchen.

Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.

Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.

Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.

And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

* * *

A WISE WOMAN’S ULTIMATE REVENGE

'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.

'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most-evil thing I could do to him legally.'

* * *

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women.

I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

* * *

OVERHEARD AT A COUPLE’S MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes.'

He addressed the man, 'Can you name your wife's favorite flower?'

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently, and whispered, 'It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

* * *

A FURIOUS WIFE VERSUS HER MAD HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. Yes, the “chill” was on …

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'

'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'

* * *

WHY WOMEN USE TWICE AS MANY WORDS AS MEN

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day ... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men ...

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What … What did you just say ??'

* * *

THE PERFECT ANSWER TO AN AGE-OLD QUESTION

A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time?”

'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain: God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

* * *

WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.”

The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'

Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'

Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me..'

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says 'HEBREWS'

* * *

THE ‘BEST EVER’ IN THE SILENT TREATMENT GAME

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

Written on the paper was: 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

* * *

TRUE STORIES ARE FUNNY, TOO

This story, so help me, was on CNN on Friday about 2 p.m. …. go ahead, you can confirm the validity:

“A Venezuelan naval boat picked and lost a fight with a passenger cruise liner off the country's northern coast this week, ramming it several times before accidentally taking on water and sinking. The proprietors of the German-owned RCGS Resolute cruise ship said its vessel had been receiving maintenance in international waters on Tuesday morning when the armed navy boat approached it and ordered it to change direction.

“The encounter escalated when,” according to the company, "gun shots were fired and, shortly thereafter, the navy vessel approached the starboard side at speed with an angle of 135 degrees and purposely collided with the RCGS Resolute."

"The navy vessel continued to ram the starboard bow in an apparent attempt to turn the ship's head towards Venezuelan territorial waters," Columbia Cruise Services' statement read. However, the RCGS Resolute is reinforced with steel plating to help it navigate through ice.

"While the RCGS Resolute sustained minor damages, not affecting vessel's seaworthiness, it occurs that the navy vessel suffered severe damages while making contact with the ice-strengthened bulbous bow of the ice-class expedition cruise vessel RCGS Resolute and (the navy boat) started to take water," the company's statement said.

“A total of 32 crew members were aboard the liner, but no passengers were. A search and rescue mission successfully retrieved the crew from the sinking patrol boat, the Venezuelan navy said in a statement.”

* * *

THIS WEEK’S BEST VIDEOS

No. 1 – ALL OF GOD’S CREATURES got a place in the choir! This one requires you gather the kids because it includes the lyrics so here’s what happens: You watch it once together, then take it back to the start and now sing along the second time. Now call everybody who is cooped up and everybody sings. Finally, once every day from here on, get the crowd gathered! CLICK HERE

No. 2 – OWN YOUR ATTITUDE – Okay, so you’ve been inside and you are mad and angry and frustrated but let’s pump your attitude. This is Travis Mills, a quadruple amputee of Afghanistan. “We can’t control our situation … we can control our attitudes.” CLICK HERE 

No. 3 – UNDER A WANDERIN’ STAR – Fifty years ago a World War II hero, Lee Marvin, was the most unlikely actor to earn a role in musical western movie, “Paint Your Wagon.” Far more unlikely, the Marine who once got shot up by machine gun fire in the Battle of Saipan was asked to sing the theme song. The result has been one of my lifetime favorites since I heard at the old Martin Theater in downtown Chattanooga half a century ago. CLICK HERE

No. 4 – NAVY CAPTAIN Brett Crozier, who mastered the USS Theodore Roosevelt, was relieved of his command on Thursday after he wrote an impassioned 4-page letter to the Dept. of the Navy on behalf of sailors on the ship who were exhibiting signs of the coronavirus. The letter was leaked “outside the chain of command” and the acting Secretary of the Navy, a moron known as Thomas Modly, told Reuters on Friday, that he had fired the captain as the ship berthed in Guam. When the aircraft carrier was docked and secure, as of Wednesday, about one-quarter of the 4,800-member crew had been tested for the virus, and 93 had been found to have COVID-19. About 1,000 sailors had been evacuated from the ship, with some on stretchers. Since then, acting Sec. Modley has walked back his outrageous stand, and just watch – he’ll be the one who is “relieved of his duties” due to nationwide embarrassment. When Capt. Crozier walked off the ship’s gangway for the final time, it is important for you to see his sailors’ reaction. CLICK HERE

No. 5 – “I’D WANT IT TO BE YOU” – My lifelong heart-throb has been the wonderful Barbra Streisand. Several years ago in a duet with country music’s Blake Shelton the two captured stardust on a song “I’d Want it to be You.” This is not about love but much more: this is what you would tell your dearest friend in the world, and as the coronavirus gets closer and closer, please share this your best pal. CLICK HERE

royexum@aol.com


How The Civil War Will Start

2 Wrongs Never Make A Right

Roy Exum: These Riots Are Surreal


Last night’s protests across the country mark the beginning of a new chapter in American history. We are not in a civil war yet. But that reality is quickly approaching. The military has already ... (click for more)

I was outraged at the apparent excessive police restraint used on George Floyd. The man was on the ground with four police officers on his back, did one really need to put his knee on his neck?According ... (click for more)

On Monday, when an unarmed black man was killed by a white policeman in Minneapolis, there were 28 others, predominately black, shot within the city limits of Chicago on the very same day. The ... (click for more)



Opinion

How The Civil War Will Start

Last night’s protests across the country mark the beginning of a new chapter in American history. We are not in a civil war yet. But that reality is quickly approaching. The military has already deployed scouts to assess the situation in Chattanooga. My expectation is that the scouts will conclude the military’s resources are better spent in Nashville and Memphis. But nothing ... (click for more)

2 Wrongs Never Make A Right

I was outraged at the apparent excessive police restraint used on George Floyd. The man was on the ground with four police officers on his back, did one really need to put his knee on his neck?According to Chief Roddy apparently not and I agree. The officer has been charged with murder. Speaking of excessive force, I do not understand how protesters think destroying the property ... (click for more)

Breaking News

Protestors Face Off With Law Enforcement At County Courthouse; Tear Gas Used After Incident On Balcony; Lee Mobilizes Guard And Seeks Further Investigation Into Nashville Unrest

A crowd of some 100 protestors did minor damage at the Hamilton County Courthouse on Sunday night, but left after tear gas was lobbed into a balcony area. Chattanooga Police said afterward the tear gas was thrown by the Sheriff's Office and not the city police. City Police also said they were not given warning that the tear gas was going to be used. In another tense night in ... (click for more)

Erlanger Nurse Fired After Social Media Post About Not Treating Protestors

An Erlanger employee was let go after a Facebook comment was brought to the hospital's attention. Tracy Davis said on Facebook that she was getting a good look at protesters faces and they shouldn't come to her hospital wanting help if they got hurt. Erlanger officials responded on Twitter by saying: "It is important to understand that her comments are her views as an individual. ... (click for more)

Sports

Ray Deering, Popular Baylor School Administrator And Sports Columnist, Dies

Ray Deering, a beloved Baylor School administrator and sports enthusiast who wrote a popular sports column in the Chattanooga Times Free Press, has died. A lifelong resident of Chattanooga, Mr. Deering was a 1961 graduate of Chattanooga High School and received his Bachelor of Science degree from the University of Chattanooga in 1965. At UC he served as the sports editor of ... (click for more)

Trio Of Moc Runners Honored As CoSIDA Academic All-Americans

Nathan Watson, Jonathan Boyd and Abbey Bateman were named to the 2020 CoSIDA Academic All-District First Team, as voted on by sports information directors around the country, for their excellence in the classroom and competition. The 2020 Academic All-District® Women's Track & Field / Cross Country Team, selected by CoSIDA, recognizes the nation's top student-athletes ... (click for more)