Roy Exum: The Saturday Funnies

Saturday, August 15, 2020 - by Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

Bubba and Buster, both pipefitters, were getting their gloves and gear to start at 7 o’clock prompt last Wednesday when both agreed how lucky they were about not having to wear masks on an open construction site. “But, boy, when me and my lady go grocery shopping on Saturday, I make sure she wears one!” said Bubba.

Buster, something of a roustabout, was touched by that and, stumbling a bit, told Bubba he appreciated it. “You must have a pretty good woman…”

“Nah, it ain’t nothing like that,” said Bubba, now embarrassed, “it’s ‘cause she’s ugly.”

Now that we’ve got our manly pride back, welcome to this week’s edition of the Saturday Funnies.

As you know, the Funnies are not original, but gathered each week in the emails that come almost every day. We love getting your best jokes and try to make The Saturday Funnies brighten your weekend.

(The Bubba and Buster joke – not their real names – came at a diesel pump this week on South Broad Street from a couple of Jake Marshall’s boys.)

Here we go ….

* * *

IN FIVE MONTHS WITH COVID, HERE IS WHAT WE’VE LEARNED …

I don’t know who to give credit to, but this is funny. So, we're into our 5th month of defeating COVID-19. These words made me laugh but there's a lot of truth mixed in to consider … 

1. So let me get this straight, there’s no cure for a virus that can be killed by sanitizer and hand soap? 

2.  Is it too early to put up the Christmas tree yet? I have run out of things to do.

 3. When this virus thing is over, I still want some of you to stay away from me.

 4. If these last months have taught us anything, it’s that stupidity travels faster than any virus on the planet.

 5. Just wait a second – so what you're telling me is that my chance of surviving all this is directly linked to the common sense of others? You’re kidding, right? 

6. If you believe all this will end and we will get back to normal just because we reopen everything, raise your hand. Now slap yourself with it.

 7. Another Saturday night in the house and I just realized the trash goes out more than me.

 8. Whoever decided a liquor store is more essential than a hair salon is obviously a bald-headed alcoholic. 

9. Remember when you were little, and all your underwear had the days of the week on them. Those would be helpful right now. 

10. The spread of Covid-19 is based on two factors: a) How dense the population is, and b) How dense the population is. 

11. Remember all those times when you wished the weekend would last forever? Well, wish granted. Happy now?

 12. It may take a village to raise a child, but I swear it’s going to take a whole vineyard to home school one. 

13. Did a big load of pajamas so I would have enough clean work clothes for this week.

* * *

JOKES THAT FOLKS MY AGE WILL APPRECIATE

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure.'

'Don' t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.

‘Where's my toast?'

- - -

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great, I would recommend it very highly.'

The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'

The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What’s the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that's red and has thorns.'

'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

- - -

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.

- - -

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: 'So, I hear you're getting married?'

'Yep!'

'Do I know her?'

'Nope!'

'This woman, is she good looking?'

'Not really.'

'Is she a good cook?'

'Nah, she can't cook too well.'

'Does she have lots of money?'

'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'

'Well, then, is she good in bed?'

'I don't know'

’Why in the world do you want to marry her then?’

'Because she can still drive!'

- - -

A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'

'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?'

'Twelve thirty.'

- - -

Morris, an 82-year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'

Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that... I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

- - -

One more........

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'

'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

* * *

AT A SUPERMARKET IN SYDNEY

A while ago a new supermarket opened in Chatswood, Sydney, Australia.  It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. 

Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain. 

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and there is the scent of freshly mowed hay. 

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions. 

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens clucking and cackling, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying. 

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.           

But I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.

* * *

RANDOM OBSERVATIONS FROM MY MAN, LARRY

* -- You know it's time to go on a diet when you dance, and it makes the band skip a beat.

* -- My wife didn't order anything from Amazon yesterday.  Amazon just called to ask if everything is O.K.

* -- A home invader was shot 5 times in the chest.  The coroner ruled that he died of natural causes. After all, the doctor explained, when you get shot in the chest 5 times, it's only natural that you die.

* -- Yo mama has a tattoo of a whale on her backside.  Maybe so, but it was originally a dolphin.

* -- Do Chattanooga garbage collectors receive any training for the job?  No, they just pick it up as they go along.

* -- There's a new corduroy pillow on the market.  They say it's making some serious headlines.

* -- I applied for a job with a blacksmith.  He asked me, "Have you ever shoed a horse?" I answered him honestly, “No, but I once told a donkey to please go away.”

* * *

THE CONTROVERSIAL WHISKEY TEST FOR COVID-19

One fellow's report on a new and easy self-test for the horror of Covid 19 is doing the rounds and it's simple, quick, and positive (or negative, if you see what I mean).

"Take a glass and pour a decent dram of your favorite whisky into it; then see if you can smell it. If you can, then you are halfway there.

Then drink it. If you can taste it, then it is reasonable to assume you are currently free of the virus because the loss of the senses of smell and taste are common symptoms.

I tested myself seven times last night and was virus-free every time, thank goodness.

I will have to test myself again today, because I have developed a throbbing headache that can also be one of the symptoms.

I'll report my results later."

* * *

THIS WEEK’S BEST VIDEOS

[NOTE: Unfortunately, our friends at YouTube have started inserting advertising in the middle of tapes. Please click “skip ads” when this occurs.]

* -- A bit of nostalgia for those of us who remember the great "clowns" of yesterday. Frank Sinatra sings … but wait to hear Orson Wells at the end. CLICK HERE.

* -- The American cowboys who rodeo are athletes who won’t dare kneel. CLICK HERE.

* -- The United States Navy band does a beautiful mix of “Somewhere over the Rainbow” and “What a Wonderful World.” Please note what happen to the screen’s color when they switch melodies! CLICK HERE.

* -- I adore “Flash Mobs.” Here is a famous one focusing on Ravel’s “Bolero.” This is performed by Banda Simfònica d'Algemesí on February 23rd, 2013 at Algemesí city (Spain) with the puzzled crowd have no idea what is happening. CLICK HERE.

royexum@aol.com


We Support Bill Trohanis For Mayor Of Walden - And Response

Rep. Kelsey: 2020 Legislative Review

Hollie Berry - Why I Am Running For Red Bank Commission District 1


We strongly support Bill Trohanis for mayor of Walden. Under his leadership the town and its three jewels (the Pumpkin Patch, McCoy Farm, and the Bachman Center) have thrived in spite of the ... (click for more)

My 16th year in the Legislature may have been the most difficult one yet. Far too many Tennesseans are struggling with unemployment, caring for themselves or a loved one with COVID-19, or simply ... (click for more)

I am local artist Hollie Berry and am running for Red Bank City Commission District 1. My husband, Rudy Elizondo, and I relocated from North Chattanooga to Red Bank five years ago, delighted ... (click for more)



Opinion

We Support Bill Trohanis For Mayor Of Walden - And Response

We strongly support Bill Trohanis for mayor of Walden. Under his leadership the town and its three jewels (the Pumpkin Patch, McCoy Farm, and the Bachman Center) have thrived in spite of the lost revenue from the state Halls tax. He is a good steward of the Walden spirit, which maintains that the smaller the government, the better. It is not uncommon to find him on almost a daily ... (click for more)

Rep. Kelsey: 2020 Legislative Review

My 16th year in the Legislature may have been the most difficult one yet. Far too many Tennesseans are struggling with unemployment, caring for themselves or a loved one with COVID-19, or simply experiencing the loneliness that comes from lack of community. Amid this global pandemic, however, I think you can be proud of the work being done by our state. Right to Work One of ... (click for more)

Breaking News

Sports Wagering Committee Of State Lottery Board Conditionally Approves Licenses For 1st Group Of Sports Betting Operators

The Sports Wagering Committee of the Tennessee Education Lottery Board of Directors on Wednesday conditionally approved licenses for the first group of sports betting operators in Tennessee. The committee also approved its first supplier application and 26 additional vendor applications and announced follow-up meetings Oct. 5 and 16 to take up more applications and review additional ... (click for more)

Volkwagen Unveils New Electric SUV To Be Produced In Chattanooga

Volkswagen unveiled its new ID 4 electric SUV that will be produced at the Enterprise South Industrial Park in Chattanooga. Officials said it will have a suggested retail price of just under $40,000. With a $7,500 federal tax credit, the price is around $32,500. The ID 3 is available only in Europe. This one will be sold in America and China as well as Europe. The first ... (click for more)

Sports

The Champions Club Announces Rebrand To The Ooltewah Club

The Champions Club, a private lifestyle and golf club located in Ooltewah, announces the official rebranding and renaming of the club to The Ooltewah Club. The rebrand celebrates the recent completion of a more than $1 million renovation to the facilities and coincides with the new ownership and management company’s commitment to the continued improvement of the club. Overseen ... (click for more)

CFC Wins NISA Fall Tournament Opener In Detriot

The Chattanooga FC soccer team opened the NISA Fall Tournament with a 2-0 win over the LA Force on Wednesday night in Detroit. Sean Hoffstatter scored in the 45th minute and Darwin Lom scored 63rd minute. CFC will play their second game of round robin games on Monday, September 28 against Cal United Strikers FC. The Fall NISA tournament is being played in Detroit September ... (click for more)