Roy Exum: The Saturday Funnies

Saturday, September 12, 2020 - by Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

Erma Bombeck, one of the most delightful writers of my decade, once declared, “If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead,” but, trust, I am among those who are about to die for the start of college football. The SEC begins next Saturday, and I can hardly wait.

This week The Saturday Funnies open with some memorable quotes from the great coaches of the past and you’ll see one from Tennessee coach Bowden Wyatt (who!) who coached the Vols from 1955 through 1962.

As you know, the Saturday Funnies are a collection of stories we gather from our emails and are not written by us.

This week there are a couple of “not politically correct” zingers that are so funny they got over the barrier.

Here we go:

* * *

SEC FOOTBALL BEGINS NEXT SATURDAY

Check the TV listing but UT opens at South Carolina as an unprecedented season begins. Pray it will include one-liners like this!

* -- "The man who complains about the way the ball bounces is likely to be the one who dropped it." - Lou Holtz / Arkansas - Notre Dame

* -- "When you win, nothing hurts." - Joe Namath / Alabama

* -- "A school without football is in danger of deteriorating into a medieval study hall." - Frank Leahy / Notre Dame

* -- "There's nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the hell kicked out of you." - Woody Hayes / Ohio State

* -- "I don't expect to win enough games to be put on NCAA probation. I just want to win enough to warrant an investigation." - Bob Devaney / Nebraska

* -- "In Alabama, an atheist is someone who doesn't believe in Bear Bryant." - Wally Butts / Georgia

* -- "I never graduated from Iowa. But I was only there for two terms - Truman's and Eisenhower's." – Alex Karras / Iowa

* -- "My advice to defensive players is to take the shortest route to the ball and arrive in a bad humor.” - Bowden Wyatt / Tennessee

* -- "I could have been a Rhodes Scholar except for my grades." – Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State

* -- "Always remember Goliath was a 40-point favorite over David." – Shug Jordan / Auburn

* -- "I asked Darrell Royal, the coach of the Texas Longhorns, why he didn't recruit me." He said, "Well, Walt, we took a look at you, and you weren't any good." - Walt Garrison / Oklahoma State

* -- "Son, you've got a good engine, but your hands aren't on the steering wheel." - Bobby Bowden / Florida State

* -- "Football is NOT a contact sport, it is a collision sport. Dancing IS a contact sport." - Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State

* -- After USC lost 51-0 to Notre Dame, his post-game message to his team was, "All those who need showers, take them." - John McKay / USC

* -- "If lessons are learned in defeat, our team is getting a great education.” - Murray Warmath / Minnesota

* -- "The only qualifications for a lineman are to be big and dumb. To be a back, you only have to be dumb." - Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

* -- "We live one day at a time and scratch where it itches." – Darrell Royal / Texas

* -- "We didn't tackle well today, but we made up for it by not blocking." - John McKay / USC

* -- "I've found that prayers work best when you have big players." - Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

* -- Ohio State 's Urban Meyer on one of his players: "He doesn't know the meaning of the word fear. In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn't know the meaning of a lot of words.”

* -- Why do Tennessee fans wear orange? So, they can dress that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday, and pick up trash on Monday.

* -- What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs? Drool.

* -- How many Michigan State freshmen football players does it take to change a light bulb? None. That's a sophomore course.

* -- How did the Auburn football player die from drinking milk? The cow fell on him.

* -- Two Texas A&M football players were walking in the woods. One of them said, "Look, a dead bird." The other looked up in the sky and said, "Where?"

* -- What do you say to a Florida State University football player dressed in a three-piece suit? "Will the defendant please rise."

* -- If three Tennessee football players are in the same car, who is driving? The police officer.

* -- How can you tell if a Clemson football player has a girlfriend? There's tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup truck.

* -- What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room? A full set of teeth.

* -- University of Michigan Coach Jim Harbaugh is only going to dress half of his players for the game this week; the other half will have to dress themselves.

* -- How is the Kansas football team like an opossum? They play dead at home and get killed on the road.

* -- Why did the Kentucky linebacker steal a police car? He saw "911" on the side and thought it was a Porsche.

* -- How do you get a former Notre Dame football player off your porch? Pay him for the pizza.

* * *

THE STORY OF ‘THE LAST KISS’

Back on January 9th, a group of HELL'S ANGELS, South Carolina bikers were riding east on 378 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So, they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says "Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked, "Well, before you jump, Babe . . . why don't you give ol' George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . . and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

* * *

SIX VERY TINY STORIES WITH DELICIOUS MEANING

1. Once all villagers decided to pray for rain, on the day of prayer all the people gathered, but only one boy came with an umbrella. That's FAITH.

 2. When you throw a baby in the air, she laughs because she knows you will catch her. That's TRUST.

 3. Every night we go to bed, without any assurance of being alive the next morning but still we set the alarms to wake up. That's HOPE.

 4. We plan big things for tomorrow in spite of zero knowledge of the future. That's CONFIDENCE.

 5. We see the world suffering, but still we get married and have children. That's LOVE.

 6. On an old man's shirt was written a sentence 'I am not 90 years old … I’m sweet 16 with 74 years’ experience' That's ATTITUDE.

I hope you live your life like the six tiny stories!

* * *

FORGET ‘POLITICALLY CORRECT’: THE FENCE-POST TURTLE

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75-year-old Virginia farmer, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.

Eventually the topic got around to Biden and his possible role as our president.

The old farmer said, 'Well, ya’ know, Biden is a 'Post Turtle''.

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him, what a 'post turtle' was.

The old rancher said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle'.

The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain.

"You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there to begin with."

Best explanation I've heard yet.

* * *

THIS WEEK’S BEST VIDEOS

* -- Some years ago, a relative died who had the deed to a farm and forced the family to sell. Over 400 hundred farmers came to the auction and here’s what happened. CLICK HERE.

* -- Born with no legs and abandoned being adopted, she was never allowed to say “Can’t.” Jennifer Becker obeyed her orders. Wow! CLICK HERE.

* -- Kenny Rogers, the great singer, died on March 20, 2020 but he will always be remembered as “The Gambler.” CLICK HERE.

* -- In the 1993 movie “Tombstone,” a drunk Johnny Ringo finds out he’s Doc Holiday’s ‘Huckleberry’. CLICK HERE.

royexum@aol.com


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