Oh ho … here we are on the last Saturday in February and with a new lilt in our step over the first of March, the Saturday Funnies is eager for the new month! Here are this Saturday's riddles!
1) What 8 letter word can have a letter taken away and it still makes a word. Take another letter away and it still makes a word. Keep on doing that until you have one letter left. What is the word?
2) How do you spell COW in thirteen letters?
3) A man rode out of town on Sunday, he stayed a whole night at a hotel and rode back to town the next day on Sunday. How is this possible?
4) What 4-letter word can be written forward, backward or upside down, and can still be read from left to right?
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As you consider the answers to this week’s riddles, be remaindered that The Saturday Funnies are not written by us but are instead a gathering of funny jokes that are shared with us each week in the form of emails. If you hear a funny story or a joke, please send it to firstname.lastname@example.org and give us the pleasure of sharing your laughter with another. Here are this week’s answers to the riddles …
1) The word is “starting! starting, staring, string, sting, sing, sin, in, I.” Cool, huh?
2) SEE O DOUBLE YOU.
3) His Horse was called Sunday!
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So here we go, This Saturday’s Funnies!
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CANDID OBSERVATIONS ON BECOMING OLDER
* -- Your kids are becoming you...and you don't like them...but your grandchildren are perfect!
* -- Going out is good...coming home is better!
* -- Why is it that when some Christians say, “You look great, ... they feel they must include, “for your age"?
* -- When you needed the discount, you paid full price. Now you get discounts on everything... movies, hotels, flights, but you're too tired to use them.
* -- You forget names .... but it's OK because other people forgot they even knew you!
* -- The 5 pounds you wanted to lose is now 15 and you have a better chance of losing your keys than the 15 pounds.
* -- You realize you're never going to be really good at anything .... especially golf.
* -- Your spouse is counting on you to remember things you don't remember.
* -- The things you used to care to do, you no longer care to do, but you really do care that you don't care to do them anymore.
* -- Your husband sleeps better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than he does in bed. It's called his "pre-sleep."
* -- Remember when your mother said, "Wear clean underwear in case you GET in an accident?" Now you bring clean underwear in case you HAVE an accident!
* -- You used to say, "I hope my kids GET married...Now, "I hope they STAY married!"
* -- You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF" switch.
* -- When GOOGLE, iPod, email, modem .... were unheard of, and a mouse was something that made you climb on a table.
* -- You tend to use more 4 letter words .... "what?"... "when?"... ???
* -- Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.
* -- Your husband has a night out with the guys, but he's home by 9:00 P.M. Next week it may be 8:30 P.M.
* -- You read 100 pages into a book before you realize you've read it.
* -- Notice everything they sell in stores is "sleeveless."
* -- What used to be freckles are now liver spots.
* -- Everybody whispers.
* -- Now that your husband has retired ... you'd give anything if he'd find a job!
* -- You have three sizes of clothes in your closet … two of which you will never wear.
* -- But old is good in some things: old songs, old movies.
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I’M TALKING … DUMBER THAN A BRICK
I am writing in response to your request for additional information. In block number three of the accident report, I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident.
You said in your letter that I should explain more, and I trust that the following details are sufficient:
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I discovered that I had about 500 pounds of bricks left over.
Rather than carry the bricks down by hand I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a rope and pulley, Which fortunately was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor. Securing the rope at the ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 500 pounds of bricks.
You will note in block number 11 of the accident report that I weigh 175 pounds. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate up the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming down. This explains the fractured skull and broken collarbone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope in spite of my pain.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground - and the bottom fell out of the barrel.
Devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel now weighed approximately 50 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in block number 11.
As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles and lacerations of my legs and lower body.
The encounter with the barrel, slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of bricks and fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the bricks in pain, unable to move, and watching the barrel six stories above - I again lost my presence of mind.
I let go of the rope!
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A FISHY TALE ABOUT A BAD NEGOTIATOR
A big-time negotiator was out fishing one day when he caught a strange looking fish.
He reeled the fish in, unhooked it, and threw it on the ground next to him.
The fish started writhing in agony and, to the negotiator's surprise, said, "Please throw me back into the lake and I'll grant you three wishes."
"Any three wishes, huh?" the negotiator mused as visions of expensive fast cars and beautiful women paraded through his head.
"Fish," he finally exclaimed, "Give me five wishes and I'll throw you back."
"Sorry," the fish answered while struggling for breath, "only three wishes."
The negotiator's pride was at stake and after giving the matter some thought he announced,
"What do you take me for? A sucker? I'll settle for four wishes."
"Only three," the fish murmured weakly.
Fuming, the man debated the pros and cons of accepting the three wishes or continuing to bargain for that one extra wish.
Finally, the negotiator decided it wasn't worth looking a gift fish in the mouth and said, "All right fish, you win, three wishes."
Unfortunately, by then the fish was dead.
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HOW THE INTERNET STARTED, PER GODLY SOURCES
In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy. And Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.
And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.
To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew -- It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew to the People (HTTP).
And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS. And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed, he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.
And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."
And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.
Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.
It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).
And that is how it all began.
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THOUGHTS ON GOOD LOGIC & COMMON SENSE
1 - Eleven teens die each day because of texting while driving. Maybe it's time to raise the age of Smart Phone ownership to 21.
2 - If gun control laws actually worked, Chicago would be Mayberry, USA.
3 - The Second Amendment makes more women equal than the entire feminist movement.
4 - Legal gun owners have 300 million guns and probably a trillion rounds of ammo. Seriously, folks, if we were the problem, you'd know it.
5 - When JFK was killed, nobody blamed the rifle.
6 - The NRA murders 0 people and receives $0 in government funds. Planned Parenthood kills 350,000 babies every year and receives $500,000,000 in tax dollars annually.
7 - I have no problem with vigorous background checks when it comes to firearms. But, while we're at it, let's do the same when it comes to immigration, Voter I.D and Candidates running for office.
8 - You don't need a smoke detector; that's what the fire department is for. Now... if you think that sounds stupid, you know how I feel when you say I don't need a gun.
9 - Folks keep talking about another Civil War. One side knows how to shoot and probably has a trillion rounds. The other side has crying closets and is confused about which bathroom to use. Tell me, how do you reckon that's going to end?
Don’t be afraid to share this. There’s more logic and common sense expressed here than probably anything you’ve seen on the news today or any other day.
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THIS WEEK’S BEST VIDEOS
* -- Not long after Peyton Manning learned he would be inducted into the NFL Hall of Fame, he took his son Marshall into the famous “Busts Room” in Canton, Ohio CLICK HERE.
* -- Super Bowl MVP Tom Brady on Peyton’s induction into Pro Football Hall of Fame CLICK HERE.
* -- Don’t be deceived; Peyton and Tom are still competitors! (Note: Some of this footage is when Brady and Phil Mickelson played golf against Peyton and Tiger in match play … watch Brady threaten Peyton’s Tennessee Smoky head cover.) CLICK HERE.
* -- Tom Brady talks about a private meeting with Peyton Manning. CLICK HERE.
* -- The Manning Boys … CLICK HERE.
* -- BONUS: Current sophomore Arch Manning, who is still in high school at New Orleans Isadore Newman High School, is said to be the best Manning quarterback ever and while he’s still a couple of years away from college in the Class of 2023, here’s a sneak peek at the phenom. CLICK HERE.