Roy Exum: An April Fool’s Preview

  • Wednesday, March 31, 2021
  • Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

The regular readers of Chattanoogan.com are well aware that on the first day of each new month, I take a walk “in my garden.” Every month I dole out “orchids and onions” to those who I believe have earned them. Actually, “Orchids and Onions” originated at McCallie School many years before I was born and was always a highly-anticipated feature with every new edition. Unfortunately, the April ‘Walk in My Garden’ usurps April Fool’s Day – a day that has a special meaning for me in particular, because “I are one!”

History will prove your closest friends are going to try to trick you, by deed or more subtle action Thursday, and don’t let it happen.

Stay alert. Go to “great practical jokes” on YouTube, Comedy Central, or the Internet itself early and put up a strong offense earlier. Don’t match their pranks, lead with yours!

Those who know me best are already aware that over 100 emails zip through the email address royexum@aol.com every day and, while the majority are business-like newsletters, press releases, personal matters, there is always enough mischief to prove conclusively there are fools who walk among us. In a prelude to April Fool’s Day tomorrow, allow me to share a sampling of what makes me laugh in advance of tomorrow when I will hope to be more civil!

* * *

 LOUISIANA SENATOR JOHN KENNEDY MAY BE OUR NEXT WILL ROGERS

Republican (former Democrat) Senator John Kennedy graduated Magna cum Laude from Vanderbilt, has a law degree from the University of Virginia and a degree from Oxford in England. He is no country bumpkin; he is very insightful and a bit humorous.  Southerners have a way with words, some better than others. Louisiana Senator John Kennedy may well be the Will Rogers of our time…

Here's a collection of his zingers:

* -- After New York Gov. Mario Cuomo tried to lecture us: “It is like a frog calling you ugly”

* -- “This election in Georgia will be the most important in history, you have nothing to worry about unless you are a taxpayer, parent, gun owner, cop, person of faith, or an unborn baby!”

* -- “Democrats are the ‘well intended arugula and tofu crowd’.”

* -- “You can only be young once, but you can always be immature.”

* -- “Americans are thinking, there are some good members of Congress but we can’t figure out what they are good for. Others are thinking, how did these morons make it through the birth canal.”

* -- “It’s as dead as four o’clock.”

* -- “Always Follow your heart … but take your brains with you.”

* -- “The short answer is ‘No.’ The long answer is ‘Hell No.’”

* -- “It must suck to be that dumb.”

* -- “When the Portland mayor's IQ gets to 75, he oughta’ sell.”

* -- “I keep trying to see Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer's point of view, but I can't seem to get my head that far up my a**.”

* -- “Go sell your crazy somewhere else … we are all stocked up here.”

* -- “She has a Billy goat brain and a mockingbird mouth!”

* -- “I trust Middle Eastern countries as much as gas station sushi, with the exception being Israel”

* -- “You can get a goat to climb tree, but you’d be better off hiring a squirrel.”

* -- “This has been going on since Moby Dick was a minnow.”

* -- “Don't stand between a dog and a fire hydrant”

* -- “Our country was founded by geniuses, but it's being run by idiots.”

* -- “It appears that he might do the right thing, but only when supervised and cornered like a rat.”

* -- “Dumb enough for twins.”

* -- “This is why aliens won't talk to us.”

* -- “Democrats are running around like they found a hair in their biscuit.”

* -- “Chuck Schumer just moo’s and follows Nancy Pelosi into the cow chute.”

* -- “What planet did you parachute in from.”

* -- “Just because you CAN sing, doesn’t mean you should.”

* -- On Nancy Pelosi, “She can strut sitting down!”

* * *

GROUCHO MARX'S FUNNIEST INTERVIEW

On May 12, 1955, television pioneer comedian Groucho Marx did what many feel was his greatest interview on “Bet Your Life” with ‘The Man With The Strange Eyes.’ This is humor at its all-time best compared to what we are offered today. To see more of Groucho Marx, please check with YouTube for many other tapes. Remember, this one was 65 years ago and there ain’t no expiration date on giggles! To see Groucho please CLICK HERE.

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REASONS TO ACKNOWLEGE YOU ARE A REDNECK

Here's a laugher that I love because it focuses on our own faults. Some attributed it to Jeff Foxworthy but he denied ownership, instead pointing towards tomorrow, to April 1, as the fool’s All-Saints Day.

Here are acceptable responses to redneck status:

You know you are a Redneck when:

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.

3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

5. You think "The Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.

6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.

7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.

14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.

16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

17. You have a rag for a gas cap.

18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

19. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

20. You can spit without opening your mouth.

21. You consider your license plate personalized, because your father made it.

22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.

24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Walmart.

25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.

28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.

29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.

30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.

royexum@aol.com

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