Roy Exum: The Saturday Funnies

Saturday, May 8, 2021
Roy Exum
Roy Exum
The best giggle came this week when Texas A&M football coach Jimbo Fisher – feeling his oats -- told a bunch of Aggie boosters he promised he would beat Nick Saban while Nick was still coaching football at Alabama. The media wags could hardly wait for Saban’s reaction and his calm two-word reply was so classic it is still being chiseled in granite somewhere: “In golf?”

This Week’s Riddles:

1. Why can’t a woman living in Europe be buried in Canada?
2. Why are movie stars considered cool?
3. Why do fluorescent lights hum?
4.
What becomes wetter the more it dries?
5. Where is an ocean with no water?
6. What happens if you throw a white hat into the Black Sea?

- - -

OUR DISCLAIMER: As our Saturday Funnies regulars know, we do not write the riddles, nor the jokes seen here every Saturday. No, they are included among the funny emails people share with us on email. So, if you happen across any funnies, allow us to share in the laughter. Send them to royexum@aol.com. Kindly remember younger folks are among our readers so please be mindful to make the laughter suitable for any age.

- - -

This Week’s Answers:
1. A living woman can’t be buried anywhere.
2. Because they have so many fans.
3. They can’t remember the words.
4. A bath towel
5. On a map.
6. The hat gets wet.

- - -

Okay … let’s get some jokes!

* * *
“DARLING, JUST PAINT THE PORCH … “

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?" 

The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage. A short time later, the blonde came to the back door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had enough paint to give it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. 

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a porch it's a Ferrari."

* * *

THE BARTENDER CURED ME FOR JUST $10! 

I went to a Psychiatrist and told him I’ve got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it. I’m scared. I think I’m going crazy. "Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the psychiatrist. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears." "How much do you charge?" "Eighty dollars per visit," replied the doctor. 

"I’ll sleep on it and if needed I will come back to you," I said. Six months later the Psychiatrist met me on the street. "Why didn’t you come to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked.
"Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought a new SUV." "Is that so!" 

With a bit of an attitude he said, "and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?" "He told me to cut the legs off the bed – ain’t nobody under there now!"

* * *

BARNEY HAS GOT THE ANSWER

Michigan Lawyer: "Well Barney, so you want me to defend you? Have you got any money?"

Barney: "No sir. I ain't got no money, but I do got a 1928 Ford Car!"

Lawyer: "Well you can raise money on that. Now let's see, just what do they accuse you of stealing?"

Barney: "A 1928 Ford Car."

* * *

THIS WEEK’S VIDEOS

* -- The best Mother’s Day song ever, with John Tesh playing and Dalia Reed’s voice. I cry every time. CLICK HERE. 

* -- The legendary Jimmy Dean recorded “I.O.U” back in 1976. Jimmy died in 2010, just weeks before he, at age 81, was to be inducted into The County Music Hall of Fame. I glory that I can imagine the moment in heaven when his Mom told him she’d heard the song. CLICK HERE.

* -- His teachers mocked the child, and then Mom shows up with her microphoneCLICK HERE. 

* -- A guy named Jesse Golberg wrote and sings, “One Upon A Long Time Ago” CLICK HERE.

* -- And on the 9th day, God Made a Dog (which is G-O-D spelled backwards) CLICK HERE. 

* * *

Take Care Of Our Elderly

CPD Lawsuit, Mr. James And 2 Juveniles

Juneteenth 2021: Freedom’s Dawn


The news of the cruelty to the elderly in the news, a few days ago, was disgusting. As a former employee of a well known home for the elderly in Chattanooga, I cannot imagine how this all came ... (click for more)

As unpopular as I know this opinion will be, here it is for what it's worth. For anyone interested in the minutiae of law enforcement the preferred response in policy of both CPD and the Sheriff's ... (click for more)

On June 15, 2021, the United States Senate unanimously passed the Juneteenth National Independence Day Act which would, “amend title 5, United States Code, to designate Juneteenth National Independence ... (click for more)



Opinion

Take Care Of Our Elderly

The news of the cruelty to the elderly in the news, a few days ago, was disgusting. As a former employee of a well known home for the elderly in Chattanooga, I cannot imagine how this all came about. There was no air conditioning anywhere except the office, how convenient. All of the employees walked out, except one. Unfortunately, this kind of behavior goes on, more than ... (click for more)

CPD Lawsuit, Mr. James And 2 Juveniles

As unpopular as I know this opinion will be, here it is for what it's worth. For anyone interested in the minutiae of law enforcement the preferred response in policy of both CPD and the Sheriff's Office is to call the parents of juveniles unless the infraction is severe, like felony severe. Put yourself in the officer's shoes and decide, based on what you have been told by radio, ... (click for more)

Breaking News

1 Dies After 2-Vehicle Crash Early Thursday Morning At Hixson Pike And Thrasher Pike

One person died in a crash involving two vehicles on Hixson Pike early Thursday morning. At approximately 6:30 a.m., Hamilton County Sheriff's Office deputies responded to the Hixson Pike and Thrasher Pike intersection for the report of a motor vehicle crash. Upon arrival, deputies and emergency services personnel located a crash involving two vehicles. There has been ... (click for more)

Historic Zoning Panel Allows 1 New Hillside Home In St. Elmo, Rejects One Beside It

The Chattanooga Historic Zoning Commission, after hours of discussion on Thursday, approved one new home on a steep hillside in St. Elmo, but rejected a similar one that was to have gone in beside it. Watchtower Investments initially wanted three identical large new homes clustered together between Tennessee Avenue and Seneca Avenue near Forest Hill Cemetery. The Community ... (click for more)

Sports

Vol Fans Invited To College World Series Watch Party Sunday At Lindsey Nelson Stadium

Tennessee Athletics is celebrating the baseball team's College World Series berth by hosting a "Big Orange Watch Party" Sunday at Lindsey Nelson Stadium during the Volunteers' opening game against Virginia. Admission is free for all fans. The stadium's front gate opens at 1 p.m. ET, and first pitch is set for 2 p.m. ET. Free parking is available in the G16 garage and all other ... (click for more)

Vols’ Johnson Claims Choo Choo Title

As he walked off the final hole at Council Fire Golf Club Wednesday afternoon, unaware that he had an insurmountable lead to win the Chattanooga Choo Choo Invitational, Tyler Johnson was suddenly caught off guard by an impromptu recognition of his victory. Tournament director Chris Schmidt asked a member of his staff to blast a loud rendition of “Rocky Top” from nearby speakers, ... (click for more)