Roy Exum: The Saturday Funnies

Saturday, June 5, 2021 - by Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

Hooray for this week’s Saturday Funnies! As you know a frantic school year has come to a close, but the Saturday Funnies wants to begin every week with a brief quiz we hope will instill wisdom. All the questions will be multiple choice so there is no reason for anyone to leave a ‘blank.’

Here we go …

- - -

THIS WEEK’S QUESTIONS!

1. What is the strongest sense in humans? A) hearing; b) sight, C) touch; D) smell.

2. What is the name of Wendy’s dog in ‘Peter Pan’? A. Toto; B. Champ; C.

Nana; Fido.

3. What is the name given to an adult female sheep? A. Nanny; B. Ewe; C. Mother; D. Girl.

4. What is the largest bird of prey in the world.? A. American Bald Eagle; B. African vulture; C. Andean condor; D. Canadian Red Eagle.

5. How many bones are in the human body, this a normal human and not Roy Exum’s current count: A. 180; B. 200; C. 206; D. 210 males, and 206 females.

6. Who said this famous quote; “If you cannot handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.” A) Black Lives Matter; B. Cher; C. Nancy Pelosi; D. Marilyn Monroe.  

THIS WEEK’S RIDDLE: “What an animal is grey, has four legs, and carries a trunk? A. An elephant; B. A Kentucky Derby filly; c. A mouse on vacation; d. A baboon riding an elephant.

--

HERE ARE THIS WEEK’S JOKES!

Four men wanted to go to the new casino that opened nearby. None of them had gambled before so they decided to not play poker, blackjack, roulette, or any other game of skill, they would just play the slot machines.

They also decided they would each limit their spending to $100. They separated and agreed to meet back in one hour.

An hour later three of the men met, each had lost all of their $100. The fourth man showed up with a stack of one-dollar bills and a large cup full of quarters.

He said he found a machine where he won every bet. For each dollar he put in, he won four quarters. (In some casinos such a machine is called “a changer.”)

* * *

THE LAWS OF NATURE

Have you heard about Murphy's Law? Yes. Anything that can go wrong will go wrong.

How about Cole's Law? No? It's shredded cabbage in a creamy dressing.

* * *

A BIRTHDAY OF ENLIGHTENMENT

I got my husband a fridge for his birthday. His face lit up when he opened it.

* * *

MY TEACHERS MUST SEEK PATIENCE

My teachers told me I'd never amount to much because I procrastinate so much.

I told them, "Just you wait!"

* * *

THE HARDSHIPS OF OLD PEOPLE WHO TEXT

A mom texts, "Hi! Son, what does IDK, LY, & TTYL mean?"

He texts back, "I Don't Know, Love You, & Talk To You Later."

The mom texts him, "It's OK, don't worry about it. I'll ask your sister, love you too."

* * *

HE JUST THOUGHT IT WAS HIS WORST DAY

A man, clearly upset, sat at the bar just staring at his drink.

A big motorcycle rider sits down next to him, takes the drink from the guy and drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The motorcyclist apologizes and says “I'll buy you another drink.

“I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that," the man replies, wiping his tears, "This day is the worst of my life.

First, I overslept and went in late to my office. My outraged boss fired me.

When I left the building to go to my car, I found out it was stolen.

I got a cab to go home. After I got out and as the cab drove away, I realized I left my wallet.

I went inside my house where I found my wife kissing the gardener.

I left home, came to this bar and just when I was about to put an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison!"

* * *

A SMARTER LAWYER IN THE NICK OF TIME

A man went to his lawyer and told him, "My cousin in Texas owes me $500 and he won’t pay up.

What should I do?" "Do you have any proof he owes you the money?" asked the lawyer.

"Nope," replied the man. "OK, then write him a letter asking him for the $5,000 he owes you," said the lawyer.

"But it's only $500 not $5,000", replied the man.

"Precisely”, said the lawyer, “That’s what he will reply and then you’ll have your proof!"

* * *

THIS WEEK’S ANSWERS

1. d) Smell

2. c) nana

3. b) Think the song, “It had to be ewe (you.”)

4. c) Andean condor.

5. c) 206.

6. a) A elephant.

- -

THIS WEEK’S BEST VIDEOS

*-- CANDID CAMERA: The Greedy Dentist CLICK HERE.

* -- NOT AN AMISH – In 1985 Harrison Ford starred in “Witness,” a thriller set around the peace-loving Amish … this scene is counter to brotherly love CLICK HERE.

* -- AN AMISH BARN raising was one of the best scenes in all in ‘Witness’ (That’s right, this movie is 36-years-old and evermore a classic.)  CLICK HERE.

* -- NATIVE AMERICAN Proverbs that will touch you soul. CLICK HERE.

* -- OVER 50 YEARS ago young sweethearts in high school had “our song,” the idea being whenever you would hear it you’d like about your “squeeze.” The other day I heard one of mine and, after half a century, I still remember that special cute girl CLICK HERE.

* -- IT WAS LEARNED BJ Thomas had lung cancer nine weeks before the popular singer died last week. One of his most improbable hits was “Raindrops Keep Fallin’ On My Head,” which was featured in the blockbuster movie, “Butch Cassidy & The Sundance Kid.” Co-star Robert Redford was so adamantly against the song he threatened to walk off the set, but when both the film critics and the turn-away crowds adored Thomas’ rendition, Redford was quick to say, “Boy, was I ever wrong! CLICK HERE.

royexum@aol.com


Dean Moorhouse Thanks Supporters

Send Your Opinions To Chattanoogan.com; Include Your Full Name, Address, Phone Number For Verification

Roy Exum: Sethi Wants Term Limits


I would like to thank my many supporters in District 9 who sent emails, made calls to commissioners on my behalf, and encouraged others to do likewise. Unfortunately I fell short of the necessary ... (click for more)

We welcome your opinions at Chattanoogan.com. Email to news@chattanoogan.com . We require your real first and last name and contact information. This includes your home address and phone ... (click for more)

Manny Sethi, the son of immigrants from India, had no experience whatsoever in 2020 when he, a 42-year-old, challenged Bill Hagerty to replace a retiring Lamar Alexander as a Senator from Tennessee. ... (click for more)



Opinion

Dean Moorhouse Thanks Supporters

I would like to thank my many supporters in District 9 who sent emails, made calls to commissioners on my behalf, and encouraged others to do likewise. Unfortunately I fell short of the necessary five votes. Your continued support, your encouragement, and especially your love of our community makes District 9, indeed the crown jewel of Hamilton County. And to Commissioner Bankston ... (click for more)

Send Your Opinions To Chattanoogan.com; Include Your Full Name, Address, Phone Number For Verification

We welcome your opinions at Chattanoogan.com. Email to news@chattanoogan.com . We require your real first and last name and contact information. This includes your home address and phone number. We do not post the contact information, but need it for verification. There is no word limit, but if your article is too long you may lose your reader. Please focus more on issues ... (click for more)

Breaking News

Greg Vital, Hoyt Samples, D'Angelo Jelks Pick Up For House District 29 Race

Businessman Greg Vital, who lost a squeaker of a race to Todd Gardenhire for state Senate in 2012, has picked up papers to run as a Republican for House District 29. Attorney Hoyt Samples also picked up to run on the GOP side. D'Angelo Jelks is a Democratic candidate. The County Commission has appointed Joan Carter to serve until the election. She is the widow of Mike Carter, ... (click for more)

National Cemetery Director Says 6 Potential Sites Picked For Expansion Of Cemetery; Veteran Services To Move Back To Cemetery

Chattanooga VA National Cemetery Director Deborah Kendrick said the VA has identified six possible sites for cemetery expansion in Chattanooga. She said those locations have not been made public. Ms. Kendrick said the VA hopes to break ground for a new cemetery in 2027 or 2028. The federal government said last year that it was running out of ground at the cemetery and was ... (click for more)

Sports

Chuckie Robinson's Bomb Is The Difference - Greene Strikes Out Nine E

Jose Barrero is known for his bat, but he showed his glove was just as good in a great play during the fifth inning of the Lookouts 1-0 win against the Pensacola Blue Wahoos. On a difficult ground ball, he slid to one side, scooped up the grounder, tapped on second, and jumped to avoid the sliding runner while rifling a throw to first. In what was a scoreless game, web gems like ... (click for more)

Jumbotron Completed At Red Wolves' CHI Memorial Stadium

Chattanooga Red Wolves officials announced on Friday the completion of CHI Memorial Stadium's brand new Jumbotron. The Jumbotron boasts over 2,000 square feet in size or approximately 34’ by 61’ making it the largest in the city of Chattanooga and one of the largest digital scoreboards in the state of Tennessee. The Jumbotron houses 732,672 LEDs, 4k video resolution and 3 in ... (click for more)