Drinking habits in Choo Choo City have changed significantly since the first liquor-by-drink was served at a Lee Highway projected Las Vegas supper club in January 1973. Prior to that advancement into the community of primarily teetotalers, drinkers had to quench their thirst for alcohol with moonshine, brown bagging, or private clubs.
Lewis Grizzard (LG) in a 1985 book, “Shoot Low, Boys- They’re Riding Shetland Ponies” (Ballantine Books- New York City) reveals his feelings on different topics of alcoholic beverage consumers:
1) “I can't explain why, but a whiskey sour is a drink for a man whose mother made him practice piano a lot when he was a kid. A man who drinks whiskey sours also probably throws a baseball like a girl-limp wristed. A man who drinks whiskey sours and then eats that silly little cherry they put in the bottom probably has a cat or poodle for a pet. In other words, I wouldn't go on a camping trip with a man who drinks whiskey sours.
2) Scotch drinkers are aggressive.
They order like they're Charles Bronson trying to have a quick shot before returning to the subway to kill a few punks and thugs.
"What'll you have, sir?" asks the bartender.
“Cutty. Water. Rocks. Twist," growls the Scotch- drinker. I think maybe Scotch drinkers wear their under wear too tight.
3) You have to watch people who drink vodka or gin. "Anybody who drinks see-through whiskey," an old philosopher once said, "will get crazy." Indeed. Vodka and gin drinkers are the type who leave the house to get a loaf of bread, drop by the bar for just one, and return home six weeks later. With the bread.
I wouldn't go on a camping trip with anyone who drinks vodka or gin, either. They're the types who would invite snakes, raccoons and bears over for cocktails and then wind up getting into an argument about tree frogs.
4) Bourbon drinkers never grow up. Eight out of ten started drinking bourbon with Coke in school and still have a pair of saddle oxfords in the closet. Bourbon drinkers don't think they've had a good time unless they get sick and pass out under a coffee table.
5) Then there are the white wine drinkers. Never get involved in any way with them. They either want to get married, sell you a piece of real estate or redecorate your house.
6) As for myself, I'm a beer drinker. We're usually honest, straightforward people. We also are usually kind and quite sentimental and will get cryin'-about-our-daddies drunk with one another. That's just before we destroy the establishment in which we're drinking because somebody made an offhand remark about Richard Petty or the memory of Patsy Cline.
Never go camping with a beer drinker, either. We're really no fun unless there’s a jukebox around, and we belch a lot, which might frightens the snakes, racoons, bears and tree frogs.”
As our community moves forward to be “the next Nashville, Atlanta, or Austin” the following traditional jokes about the former “Buckle of the Bible Belt” are outdated and often are considered silly in the eyes of migrants from other more tolerant venues who started drinking at age five, have been changed three times for “Biking Under the Influence” prior to getting their auto drivers license at age 16, and has been in rehab four times by the age of 21!
However, two traditional Choo Choo City drinking cliches follow:
1) The difference between Methodists and Baptists in our town is that the Methodists will speak to you in the liquor store and;
2) S__ can not be performed in the upright standing position because someone might think the couple is dancing!
(LG would have better updates in 2023!)
* * *
You can reach Jerry Summers at jsummers@summersfirm.com
Jerry Summers