(I apologize in advance for the length of this article which is an exception to my normal goal of brevity but also promise to revert back to shorter examples of the wit and messages of Lewis Grizzard.)
However with the booming expansion of airline service at Choo Choo International Airport it is necessary to convey some tips of travelling to Sin City, the Big Apple, and Home of the 2023 World Series champs, from former passenger train lover, LG.
Before disembarking on any flight there are certain tips and suggestions that he provided in “Shoot Low, Boys- They’re Riding Shetland Ponies” (Ballantine Books, 1985) he conveys his experience from the start of his trip with a call for reservations:
"Good morning. Wingandaprayer Airlines. May I help you?"
"Yes," I said to the voice on the phone. "I'd like to make two round-trip reservations for the Sunday evening flight to Pittsburgh, please."
"Will this be first class, tourist or Wingandaprayer's new cargo class?" she asked.
"Cargo class?"
"Certainly, sir. In an effort to attract your business in these competitive times, Wingandaprayer Airlines is offering an innovative and inexpensive way for you to travel by air. Cargo class simply means you ride in the cargo hold with the baggage at a huge savings in cost. This is available, however, only to those passengers who will fit into their own hanging bags."
"I'll just take tourist," I said.
"Oxygen xygenom non-oxygen?"
"I don't understand."
"Another Wingandaprayer option in our effort to offer passengers a variety of ways to save money and still not have to take the bus," she explained. "If you prefer to bring your own oxygen tank, then your seat will not be equipped with an automatic oxygen mask release in case of sudden cabin depressurization. If Wingandaprayer doesn't have to provide you with oxygen, it can save money and pass those savings along to its customers in the form of reduced fares."
"But I don't have my own oxygen tank."
"In that case, sir, how long can you hold your breath?"
"I'll just take two seats with oxygen."
"Will you be traveling with your wife or another adult?"
"No, I'll be traveling with my nephew Robert, who's six."
"Does he chew Rootie-Tootie Bubble Gum?"
"Is that the kind that turns his teeth blue?" I asked.
"Exactly, sir, and Wingandaprayer now offers free tickets to children if they show eight Rootie-Tootie Bubble Gum wrappers when they go to the agent for their boarding passes. 'Get 'em while they're young and they're yours forever,' is what we always say at Winganda- prayer," she explained.
"So what is the adult fare?"
"Depends, sir. Will you be cashing in coupons on this trip?”
"Coupons?"
"Check your local newspaper for Wingandaprayer cost- cutting coupons. Bring the coupons with you to the ticket agent and trade them in for savings on your fare."
"OK. Now, will dinner be served on the evening flight to Pittsburgh?"
"Not in tourist, sir. Wingandaprayer lost millions last year, and in an effort to keep our own costs down, we've cut out all meal service except in first class, where passengers are allowed to bob for apples."
"I'll pack a sandwich for me and Robert. Now, will you please see if there is space available on the evening flight to Pittsburgh?”
"I have you confirmed on our 7:20 flight to Pittsburgh, sir. May I have your home address?" "Why do you need my home address?” I asked.
"So Wingandaprayer can mail you your green stamps and toaster."
When we finally arrived at the airport and boarded the plane, we were immediately greeted by two delays.
The first, said the captain, was due to "a minor mechanical problem. We should have it cleared up soon." If an airplane is going to develop a mechanical problem, whether major or minor, the best time to do so is when it's still on the ground.
Nonetheless, it can be extremely unsettling to the passengers. For example, what does the captain consider "minor"? It could be anything from a wing being loose to the navigator's pen being out of ink. Secondly, how can the captain or the passengers know for sure that the problem has been fixed? It's not exactly like dealing with someone's pickup truck, where the mechanic opens the hood, pulls at a few wires and hoses, and then says, "Try it now." If the truck doesn't start, the mechanic pulls at some different wires and hoses. With an airplane, you don't get a second chance. I expressed my concern to a passing stewardess.
"Don't worry," she said, "our mechanic knows this plane from front to back."
If he knows so much, I thought to myself, why isn't he in the cockpit flying this sucker instead of underneath it pulling at wires and hoses? I looked out the window and saw a fellow who looked like a mechanic scratching his head with a big wrench. On his breat pocket I could read the name, Bobby Earl. Would you trust your life to a man named Bobby Earl? Another concern was that we were flying on Sunday. Have you ever tried to find a mechanic to work on your car on Sunday? The only ones I've ever found had just been fired from Brake-O. Bobby Earl worked on the plane for about an hour. Then I heard him yell to the pilot, "Try it now!" Sure enough, it started. I didn't know whether to be happy or sad.
As we backed away from the terminal (Why do they have to call it that?), the chief stewardess announced another delay. "Due to heavy traffic here at the airport, we are presently 108th in line for takeoff, which means we're going to spend approximately the four hours and ten minutes either taxiing slowly or sitting in line with a bunch of other planes waiting to take off," she explained.
“Wingandaprayer Airlines would like to apologize for this inconvenience. We realize that some of you have connections or important meetings in Pittsburgh and that this sort of delay could cause you to lose your company's biggest account, among other disastrous occurrences. But please do not whine, because we can't help it if thirty- five other airlines decided to schedule takeoffs at the same time we did.
We will do everything in our power to make up for this excruciating experience. For those of you who might want to read while we are taxiing out, ask your flight attendant to bring you something from Wingandaprayer's in-flight library. Available today are War and Peace, The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich, and The Complete Works of Victor Hugo. Later in our taxi out, we will be offering at no charge our 'Movie While You Wait.' Our feature in first class will be the original, uncut version of Gone With the Wind, while our coach passengers will enjoy viewing Rocky I, II and III.
If we still haven't taken off by that time, Wingandaprayer has other means of killing time for our passengers. There will be a bridge tournament in rows twenty-five through thirty. For those who prefer bingo, cards may be purchased at a nominal charge. First officer Willard Smith, who is just as bored as the rest of you, will be calling the games in rows seven through twenty-four "In first class there will be Trivial Pursuit games and mud wrestling for any passengers who are interested, as well as a musical performance by two of our flight attendants, Ramona Dentz and Glenda Jane Chastain, singing songs they actually wrote, such as, 'I've Got the Air Sickness Bag Blues.' Other pre-takeoff performances include a lecture by Captain Allis Chalmers, who will explain how to hot-wire a 747, and a demonstration on in-flight macramé by navigator Marco Polonski.
Also, because of our long delay, our smoking pas- sengers may wish to step outside to smoke. If so, please remember to walk along with the aircraft in case it moves so you don't get too far behind. Thank you for ridin-, I mean flying, Wingandaprayer Airlines, and have a pleasant flight."
(LG’s comments may be more relevant after the rock quarry at the northern end of Runways 2 and 20 at Lovell Field is filled in and pursuant to a taxpayer free grant to begin construction in 2065!)
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You can reach Jerry Summers at jsummers@summersfirm.com
Jerry Summers