Roy Exum
I have been away more often than not during the month of March with some health issues so it is fun for me to pick up my pen again with a dose of The Saturday Funnies. I had originally gathered this bunch for just before Saint Patrick’s Day, as you’ll note from the Irish twist, but these are just as funny as they would have been if you were standing among a crowd of giggling leprechauns.
In a quick aside, I am doing a good job, I think, at getting well after my third surgery in the last 30 days. As I bask in the warmth of so many notes of good wishes from readers, I pray that you please never stop encouraging one another. None of us can fully appreciate what an “I care” note means to a fellow struggler, or how greatly the ripples of a solitary kindness can change the course of our nation. For this I am deeply and humbly thankful.
Hooray for The Saturday Funnies!
* * *
GRANDMOTHER’S DAY IN THE SUN
The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn’t speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate.
After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.
A short time later, she started leaning to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.
Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.
A grandson who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said, “Hi Grandma, you’re looking good! How are they treating you?”
Grandma took out her little note pad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew, “They won’t let me fart.”
* * *
THE YEAR’S “TOP 10” IRISH JOKES
BEST IRISH JOKE NO. 1 -- One night, Mrs. McMillen answers the door to see her husband’s best friend, Paddy, standing on the doorstep.
“Hello Paddy, but where is my husband? He went with you to the beer factory.”
Paddy shook his head. “Ah Mrs. McMillen, there was a terrible accident at the beer factory, your husband fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned.”
Mrs. McMillen starts crying. “Oh … don’t tell me that, did he at least go quickly?”
Paddy shakes his head. “Not really – he got out three times to pee!”
BEST IRISH JOKE NO. 2 -- An Irishman was flustered not being able to find a parking space in a large mall’s parking lot.
“Lord,” he prayed, “I can’t stand this. If you open space up for me, I swear I’ll give up drinking me whisky, and I promise to go to church every Sunday.”
Suddenly, the clouds parted, and the sun shone on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the man said, “Never mind, I found one.”
BEST IRISH JOKE NO. 3 -- Two paddies were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole, and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working all day furiously without rest, one man digging a hole, the other filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn’t understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, “I’m impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don’t get it – why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?”
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, “Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we’re normally a three-person team. But today the lad who puts in the trees called in sick.'”
BEST IRISH JOKE No. 4 --What’s the difference between God and Bono?
God doesn’t wander around Dublin thinking he’s Bono.
BEST IRISH JOKE NO. 5 -- Billy stops Paddy in Dublin and asks for the quickest way to Cork.
Paddy says, “Are you on foot or in the car?”
Billy says, “In the car.”
Paddy says, “That’s the quickest way.”
BEST IRISH JOKE NO. 6 -- Paddy and Mick are walking down the road, and Paddy’s got a bag of doughnuts in his hand.
Paddy says to Mick, “If you can guess how many doughnuts are in my bag, you can have them both.”
BEST IRISH JOKES NO. 7 -- A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.”
The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan’s offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. “Is your bet still good?” asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, “If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?”
The Irishman replies, “Oh…I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first”.
BEST IRISH JOKE NO. 8 -- An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, “Sir, have you been drinking?”
“Just the water,” says the priest.
The trooper says, “Then why do I smell wine?”
The priest looks at the bottle and says, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”
BEST IRISH JOKE NO. 9 -- Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney.
“Did you see the paper?” asked Gallagher. “They say I died!!”
“Yes, I saw it!” replied Finney. “I’m betting I know where yer callin’ from!”
BEST IRISH JOKE NO. 10 -- Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, “Do you want to go to heaven?”
The man said, “I do, Father.”
The priest said, “Then stand over there against the wall.” Then the priest asked the second man, “Do you want to go to heaven?”
“Certainly, Father,” was the man’s reply.
“Then stand over there against the wall,” said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O’Toole and said, “Do you want to go to heaven?”
O’Toole said, “No, I don’t Father.
The priest said, “I don’t believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don’t want to go to heaven?”
O’Toole said, “Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting together a group to go right now.”
THE HONORABLE MENTIONS
* -- Dr. O'Mahony tells his patient: "I have bad news and worse news, John."
"Oh dear," John replies. "What's the bad news?" asks the patient.
The doctor replies: "Tests show that you only have 24 hours to live."
"That's terrible," says the patient. "How can the news possibly be worse?"
Dr. O'Mahony replies: “Because I’ve been trying to contact you since yesterday."
* -- A sobbing Ms. Murphy approaches Father O’Grady after mass. He says: “So what’s bothering you?”
She replies: “Oh, Father, I’ve terrible news. My husband passed away last night.”
The priest says: “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Did he have any last requests?”
" Well father," she replied. “He said: Now Mary, put down that d--- gun.”
* -- Paddie goes into a bar and orders seven shots of tequila and one Guinness. The barman lines up shots and goes to get the Guinness.
When he comes back with the pint, all seven shots are gone.
The barman says: “Wow! You sure drank those fast.”
Paudie explains: “Well Laddie, I’m prayin you will be understandin' and would drink fast too if you had what I have.”
The barman asks: “What do you have?”
The guy reaches into his pocket and says: “Fifty cents!”
* -- Gerry Connors walked his dog through the village every day. One day Mr. Connors is on his walk without the dog.
His pal Billy sees him and asks: "Where is your dog?"
Mr Murphy answers: "I had to have him put down."
"Was he mad?" asks Billy.
"He wasn't too pleased," Mr Murphy replies.
* -- An Irishman goes into a bar in America and orders three whiskeys. The barman asks: "Would it be better for if I put all three shots in one glass?"
The Irishman replies: "No! I have two other brothers back at home, so every time I come into a pub, I order a shot for them both."
The following week, the Irishman orders just two whiskeys.
The barman asks: "Did something happen one of your brothers?" "Oh no," replies the Irishman. “Oh no, for me health, I’ve just decided to quit drinking!"
THIS WEEK’S BEST VIDEO – In keeping with our Irish jokes, this foreign ad for Coca-Cola is darn near perfect! Click Here.
IMPORTANT NOTICE: Monday is April Fool’s Day! Don’t say you haven’t been warned!
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