Roy Exum: The Saturday Funnies

Saturday, December 26, 2020 - by Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

I am sad to report this will be the last edition of The Saturday Funnies this year. It would be a grievous mistake if we didn’t thank the many of our readers who have sent in the jokes, cute stories, and “must see” videos that we have been able to share. Believe it or not, your thoughts that every Saturday should begin with a happy heart is the exact same as ours and we appreciate your spirit so very much.

Now, as I shake the merriment of this last Christmas elf from my ear, I must admit The Saturday Funnies will be right back next week … as a New Year begins! Here are three New Year’s riddles … again, try not to peek at the answers below: Think!

THIS SATURDAY’S RIDDLES

1) The day before yesterday I was 21, and next year I will be 24.

When is my birthday?

2) Name the most recent year in which New Years came before Christmas?

3) Everyone knows that both Christmas Day and New Year's Day always fall on the same day of the week. However, in 1939, the year of the outbreak of World War II, Christmas fell on a Monday and New Year's fell on a Sunday. Why?

While the buzzer ticks, here’s a “fun fact” about the Saturday Funnies. Have you ever wondered where funnies come from? One of our best contributors writes, “Roy, Just a note: Over 40 years ago a new church was formed in the Hixson area. My wife, son, daughter, and I were among the first members. Since we didn't have a building yet, we held services at a local school and Bible studies in homes. Some of us continued to meet at a home even after some groups moved their studies to the church building. About 15 years ago a retired minister in our denomination and his wife moved to Hixson from Knoxville and began attending our church. We invited them to our Bible study and then asked him to teach. He always began his study with funny stores, jokes or riddles. After he passed away, we continued to start with funnies. Over the years I've collected lots of them and am pleased to share them with you and your readers. Blessings to you and your family. Joe”

No, Joe … bless you!

THIS WEEK’S ANSWERS

1) Pretend today is Jan. 1. Yesterday was Dec. 31, your birthday, on which you became 22. The day before yesterday is Dec. 30, you're still 21. So, let’s say it's year 2021, so today is Jan. 1, 2021, you are 22. Dec. 31, 2021 you are 23 and then the NEXT year, Dec. 31, 2021 you will be 24.

2) This year. New Year’s Day always comes 51 weeks before Christmas of the same year.

3) In any given YEAR Christmas Day and New Year's Day fall on different days of the week. Christmas occurs around 51 weeks later in the year than New Year’s Day. 1939 was no different.

* * *

Okay! Here we go with the last edition of The Saturday Funnies …

TAKE A CAB – THE SMART THING TO DO

With the Christmas past and New Year’s Eve coming fast, I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving. This is a first for me, as I normally don’t preach to others.

As you may know, some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends.

Well, two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly, I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before -- I took a cab home.

Sure enough, on the way home there was a police roadblock, but since it was a cab they waved it past and I arrived home safely without incident.

This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before. I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage, I don't know what to do with it!

* * *

I GOT THE LAST VACCINE THEY HAD ON THE SHELF

So, I wasn’t allowed to say anything until today, but it's now okay for me to share that I volunteered for the COVID-19 vaccine that has been developed in Russia. It is in six different stages and I received my first dose at 6:20 this morning and I wanted to let you all know that it is totally safe and I’m okay, with ?o side effects whatsoeve?, and that I feelsh?? ? ???? ???? ??????? ????? ? ? ????, ??? ???? ????? ???. ??????? ???? ????? ?????. Comrades.

* * *

THE HEAVY TOLL OF COVID

Dr. Anthony Fauci, director of the U.S. National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, told Joe Biden, "This morning, three Brazilian people died from COVID-19.”

Biden’s face went egg-shell white with shock. The blood drained from his face and to everyone’s amazement he collapsed on the floor.

Minutes passed and, to everyone’s relief, Biden got up shakily and then sat back on his chair.

His staff was nothing less than stunned at this display of emotion from Joe Biden, nervously watching as he sat, head in hands.

Finally, Joe looked up and with a shaky, quivering voice asked Dr. Fauci, "How many people is … a brazillion?”

* * *

THE STORY OF THE MULE IN COOKEVILLE

Curtis and Leroy saw an ad in the Herald-Citizen in Cookeville, Tn., and bought a mule for $100.

The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.

The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night."

Curtis and Leroy replied, "Well, then just give us our money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

They said, "Okay then, just bring us the dead mule."

The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"

Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off."

The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"

Leroy said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"

A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis and Leroy at the IGA grocery store and asked, "What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"

They said, "We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do."

Leroy said, "Shucks, we sold 1,000 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $1,998."

The farmer said, "My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"

Curtis said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So, we gave him his two dollars back."

Curtis and Leroy now work for the government.

They're overseeing the bailout and stimulus program.

* * *

AN ANNOUNCEMENT FROM THE PULPIT

The minister of a city church enjoyed a drink now and then, but his passion was for peach brandy.

One of his congregants would give him a bottle each Christmas.

One year when the minister went to visit his friend, hoping for his usual Christmas gift, he was not disappointed, but his friend told him that he had to thank him for the peach brandy from the pulpit the next Sunday.

In his haste to get the bottle, the minister hurriedly agreed and left.

So, the next Sunday the minister suddenly remembered that he had to make a public announcement that he was being supplied alcohol from a member of the church.

That morning, his friend sat in the church with a grin on his face, waiting to see the minister's embarrassment.

The minister climbed into the pulpit and said, "Before we begin, I have an announcement. I would very much like to thank my friend, Sam, for his kind gift of peaches ... and for the spirit in which they were given!"

* * *

SOME CIGARS WERE INSURED AGAINST FIRE

A man having purchased a box of very rare, very expensive cigars insured them against fire, among other things.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of cigars and without having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated that the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires."

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The man sued and won.

But wait … In delivering the ruling, the judge agreed that the claim was frivolous. He stated nevertheless that the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure against fire, without defining what is considered to be "unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he had lost in the "fires."

But wait … After the man cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson. With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

* * *

BUT WHY DID HE HAVE THREE HUTS?

One balmy day in the South Pacific, a navy ship saw smoke coming from one of three huts on an uncharted island. Upon arriving at the shore, they were met by a shipwreck survivor. He said, "I'm so glad you're here! I've been alone on this island for more than five years!"

The captain replied, "If you're all alone on the island why do I see three huts?"

The survivor said, "Oh. We'll, I live in one, and go to church in another."

"What about the third hut?" asked the captain.

“That's where I used to go to church."

* * *

ONE OF OUR GREATEST WAR HEROES

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment, get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one told their stories. "Johnny, do you have a story to share?" the teacher asked.

"Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a pilot in the Iraq war and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 20 enemy troops. She shot 15 of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, fought four more with the knife till the blade broke, and then she attacked the last one with her bare hands."

"Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?"

"Stay the heck away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking!"

* * *

THIS WEEK’S BEST VIDEOS

* -- It is widely acknowledged that experience is among man’s best attributes so watch at this ‘experienced’ crowd of seniors without supervision. CLICK HERE. 

* -- Throughout the 1970s, the most-watched sitcom of all time was “All in the Family,” which was built around the character “Archie Bunker,” played by Carroll O’Connor. Archie was a blue-collar worker who was prejudiced about everything, and I will always believe the show did more to deter prejudice in the United States more than other thing. Here Archie talks about Jesus. CLICK HERE

* -- Archie Bunker answers the some of Life’s Big Questions. CLICK HERE. 

* -- There are five undeniable facts of life … never has it been better explained than this.. CLICK HERE. 

* -- Did you know, that on YouTube, the number of people who have clicked Whitney Houston to hear her sing “I Will Always Love You,” has now reached 1,037,032,847 views. Yes, that's over a billion (with a ‘b’.) Easily among the greatest singing artists of all time – male and female – she was at her peak on Feb. 11, 2012, at age 48, when she was found dead in the bathtub of a Beverly Hills, Calif., hotel. The cause of death was determined as drowning, this due to coronary artery disease and cocaine intoxication. CLICK HERE. 

royexum@aol.com


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