Roy Exum: The Saturday Funnies

Saturday, April 18, 2020 - by Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

As by now you know, I love funny, and dozens share some wonderful things with me every week. But I am disturbed by one email in particular that keeps landing in my email with uncommon notoriety. It opens with the line, “Everyday dementia symptoms go unnoticed …” It focuses on Presidential candidate Joe Biden and gives some accurately taped evidence, perhaps damning, examples of Biden’s gaffes and miscues. I cannot bear to watch it. It turns my stomach, and while I am most certainly not a Biden supporter, I seriously and candidly hurt for “Uncle Joe.”

Here is a sample tape, taken just yesterday from CNN Town Hall: “Joe Biden Shows OBVIOUS Cognitive Decline in CNN Town Hall Interview” ( https://youtu.be/fBcZFtg14hc ) Now, there is another tape on: “SHOCK: Joe Biden's Brain MALFUNCTIONS AGAIN On MSNBC AND CNN! “ ( https://youtu.be/DgjGRivkXYI ) This has obviously become a huge concern for our country and – most definitely – is absolutely not funny to even his most vehement detractors.

I pray Joe’s is not going to turn into a march of pity. And the Democratic Party needs some sound medical backing to assure our nation that this 77-year-old is mentally stable for a four-year term in The White House. Regardless of political stance, this is now a humanitarian issue.

Here we go with stuff that is funny:

* * *

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.

3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always Catch the second person.

4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.

5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food...

6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.

8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.

2) Wrinkles don't hurt.

3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.

6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.

7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

* * *

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.

2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.

3) You are Santa Claus.

4) You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . .. Not piddling in your pants.

At age 12 success is . . . Having friends.

At age 17 success is . . Having a driver's license.

At age 35 success is . . . . Having money.

At age 50 success is . . . Having money.

At age 70 success is . .. . Having a driver’s license.

At age 75 success is . ... . Having friends..

At age 80 success is . . .. Not piddling in your pants.

Pass this on to someone who could use a laugh.

Always remember to forget the troubles that always pass your way,

BUT NEVER forget the blessings that come each day.

* * *

THE EVOLUTION OF CORONAVIRUS “RULES”

I do not know where this “update” of the virus rules originated but somebody is pretty clever…

1. Basically, you can't leave the house for any reason, but if you have to, then you can.

2. Masks are useless, but maybe if you have to wear one, it can save you. Again, it is useless but may be mandatory as well.

3. Stores are closed, except those that are open.

4. You should not go to hospitals, unless you have to go there. Same applies to doctors. You should only go to the hospital in case of emergency, provided you are not too sick.

5. This virus is deadly but still not too scary, except that sometimes it actually leads to a global disaster.

6. Gloves won't help, but they can still help.

7. Everyone needs to stay home, but it's important to go out.

8. There is no shortage of groceries in the supermarket, but there are many things missing when you go there in the evening, but not in the morning. Sometimes.

9. The virus has no effect on children except those it affects.

10. Animals are not affected, but there is still a cat that tested positive in Belgium in February when no one had been tested, plus a few tigers here and there. Also, they are still seeking some infected patients to rub up against some huge pythons in the Everglades but, thus far, no carriers have stepped forward).

11. You will have many symptoms when you are sick, but you can also get sick without symptoms, have symptoms without being sick, or be contagious without having symptoms. Oh, my God.

12. In order not to get sick, you have to eat well and exercise, but eat whatever you have on hand and it's better not to go out, well, but no…

13. It's better to get some fresh air, but you get looked at very wrong when you get some fresh air, and most importantly, you don't go to parks or walk. But don’t sit down, except that you can do that now if you are old, but not for too long, or if you are pregnant but not too old.

14. You can't go to retirement homes, but you have to take care of the elderly and bring them food and medication and beer or wine.

15. If you are sick, you can't go out, but you can go to the pharmacy.

16. You can get restaurant food delivered to the house, which may have been prepared by people who didn't wear masks or gloves. But you have to have your groceries decontaminated outside for 3 hours. Pizza too?

17. Every disturbing article or disturbing interview starts with " I don't want to trigger panic, but…"

18. You can't see your older mother or grandmother, but you can take an Uber and sit next to an older Uber driver.

19. You can walk around with a friend but not with your family if they don't live under the same roof.

20. You are safe if you maintain the appropriate social distance, but you can’t go out with friends or strangers at the safe social distance. Social distancing is exempt inside a small car.

21. The virus remains active on different surfaces for two hours, no, four, no, six, no, we didn't say hours, maybe days? But it takes a damp environment … oh no, not necessarily.

22. The virus stays in the air – well, no, or yes, or maybe, especially in a closed room, in one hour a sick person can infect ten, so if it falls, all our children were already infected at school before it was closed. But remember, if you stay at the recommended social distance, however in certain circumstances you should maintain a greater distance, which, studies show, the virus can travel further, maybe.

23. We count the number of deaths but we don't know how many people are infected as we have only tested so far those who were "almost dead" to find out if that's what they will die of…

24. We have no treatment, except that there may be one that apparently is not dangerous unless you take too much (which is the case with all medications).

25. We should stay locked up until the virus disappears, but it will only disappear if we achieve collective immunity, so when it circulates… but we must no longer be locked up for that?

* * *

SOME UNSUBSTANTIATED MYTHOLOGY ABOUT … ONIONS

Don’t know how true this is…but it is interesting.

In 1919 when the flu killed 40 million people there was this Doctor that visited the many farmers to see if he could help them combat the flu. Many of the farmers and their family had contracted it and many died.

The doctor came upon this one farmer and to his surprise, everyone was very healthy. When the doctor asked what the farmer was doing that was different, the wife replied that she had placed an unpeeled onion in a dish in the rooms of the home, (probably only two rooms back then). The doctor couldn't believe it and asked if he could have one of the onions and place it under the microscope. She gave him one and when he did this, he did find the flu virus in the onion. It obviously absorbed the bacteria, therefore, keeping the family healthy.

Now, I heard this story from my hairdresser. She said that several years ago, many of her employees were coming down with the flu, and so were many of her customers. The next year she placed several bowls with onions around in her shop. To her surprise, none of her staff got sick. It must work. Try it and see what happens. We did it last year and we never got the flu.

Now there is a P. S. to this – It was sent to a friend in Oregon who regularly contributes material on health issues. She replied with this most interesting experience about onions:

“Thanks for the reminder. I don't know about the farmer's story … but, I do know that I contacted pneumonia, and, needless to say, I was very ill. I came across an article that said to cut both ends off an onion, put it into an empty jar, and place the jar next to the sick patient at night. It said the onion would be black in the morning from the germs. Sure enough, it happened just like that ... the onion was a mess and I began to feel better.

Another thing I read in the article was that onions and garlic placed around the room saved many from the black plague years ago. They have powerful antibacterial, antiseptic properties.

This is the other note: Lots of times when we have stomach problems, we don't know what to blame. Maybe it's the onions that are to blame. Onions absorb bacteria is the reason they are so good at preventing us from getting colds and flu and is the very reason we shouldn't eat an onion that has been sitting for a time after it has been cut open.

LEFT OVER ONIONS ARE POISONOUS

I had the wonderful privilege of touring Mullins Food Products, makers of mayonnaise. Questions about food poisoning came up, and I wanted to share what I learned from a chemist. Ed, who was our tour guide, is a food chemistry whiz. During the tour, someone asked if we really needed to worry about mayonnaise. People are always worried that mayonnaise will spoil. Ed's answer will surprise you. Ed said that all commercially made mayo is completely safe.

"It doesn't even have to be refrigerated. No harm in refrigerating it, but it's not really necessary." He explained that the pH in mayonnaise is set at a point that bacteria could not survive in that environment. He then talked about the summer picnic, with the bowl of potato salad sitting on the table, and how everyone blames the mayonnaise when someone gets sick.

Ed says that, when food poisoning is reported, the first thing the officials look for is when the 'victim' last ate ONIONS and where those onions came from (in the potato salad?). Ed says it's not the mayonnaise (as long as it's not homemade mayo) that spoils in the outdoors. It's probably the ONIONS, and if not the onions, it's the POTATOES.

He explained onions are a huge magnet for bacteria, especially uncooked onions. You should never plan to keep a portion of a sliced onion. He says it's not even safe if you put it in a zip-lock bag and put it in your refrigerator. It's already contaminated enough just by being cut open and out for a bit, that it can be a danger to you (and doubly watch out for those onions you put in your hotdogs at the baseball park!). Ed says if you take the leftover onion and cook it like crazy, you'll probably be okay, but if you slice that leftover onion and put on your sandwich, you're asking for trouble. Both the onions and the moist potato in a potato salad, will attract and grow bacteria faster than any commercial mayonnaise will even begin to break down.

Also, dogs should never eat onions. Their stomachs cannot metabolize onions. Please remember it is dangerous to cut an onion and try to use it to cook the next day, it becomes highly poisonous for even a single night and creates toxic bacteria which may cause adverse stomach infections because of excess bile secretions and even food poisoning.

Please pass this on to all you love and care about.

* * *

A GOLFER’S ESSAY ON THE PANDEMIC

March Madness is cancelled, the NBA is shut down, the Masters is postponed, and my Aunt Marge’s senior bowling has even thrown in the towel. Now restaurants and bars are closed, and our 40-handicap governor is threatening to shut down all entertainment facilities including golf courses. I have not tested positive, but the coronavirus is killing me.

There is nowhere to go and nothing to do.

My wife suggested we take a walk, but I don’t walk anywhere unless I have a golf club in my hand and its cart path only. My kids have a restraining order on us and won’t let us come within 200 yards of the grandchildren. And we can no longer eat out, but when we tried to cook at home, there were cobwebs in the oven.

The network channels are inundated with coverage of the virus. The golf channel has been showing reruns of old tournaments, which are almost as riveting as watching my brother-in-law’s video of his family camping trip to Yellowstone. And my wife is so desperate for something to do, she is even considering sex, and maybe even with me.

Paranoia is off the tracks. Before the shutdown, we were having dinner at a local bar. I let out a loud sneeze and everyone at the surrounding tables started yelling "check please." My stock portfolio is plummeting and most of our cash is currently invested in toilet paper. I am washing my hands 137 times a day. I don’t touch anyone. I don’t even touch myself. I have been using tongs to go to the bathroom. This has to stop.

Our society and economy have been crippled by a microscopic virus. Scientists have not yet determined the exact origin but have narrowed it down to a Chinese fish market or Rosie O’Donnell’s bathtub. And no one is sure how to prevent or cure it. In the past, the ways to prevent contracting a contagious disease were simple: don’t eat in restaurants with cat on the menu and don’t date my college roommate’s sister.

I don’t consider myself to be in the high-risk category. I have been building up my immune system by eating one meal per day at MacDonald’s for the last 25 years. Germs just slide through me. My only pre-existing condition is an inability to launch a golf ball further than 180 yards. And, according to the CDC, symptoms of the coronavirus are sweats, dizziness, and trouble breathing, which I experience whenever I am standing over a 3-foot putt. I can handle it.

So, I proposed to my regular foursome the idea of escaping from our self-imposed Stalag 17 and venturing outside for a round of golf. Everyone recognized the danger and severity of the situation. But when faced with the decision to remain sequestered with our wives or to risk contracting a deadly virus, it was a no-brainer. Every man opted to play golf.

Our foursome does not pose a medical risk to mankind. My friend, George is virus free.

Social distancing has not been a problem for him. Other than us, he doesn’t have any friends. Bob, my neighbor is a urologist who has been working from home for several weeks. He has developed a way to do remote prostate exams by having patients sit on their cell phone. And our other partner, Jerry tested himself with a kit he bought online. However, he thinks he may have gotten the wrong kit. It showed no traces of the virus but indicated that he was pregnant with twins.

The federal government has established guidelines for social engagement. For example, you must stay at least 6 feet apart and no more than 10 people are allowed at a gathering, which means Patrick Reed’s fan club can still meet. In addition, our foursome drafted our own specific set of rules for Pandemic Golf.

Rules of Play:

* -- Hazmat suits are permitted. As an alternative, one can wear a college mascot costume or big bunny pajamas.

* -- Masks are not permitted, because we would look more like stagecoach robbers than a foursome.

* -- Leave the flag in. And to avoid retrieving balls from the hole, any putt shorter than Lebron James is good.

* -- Ride in separate golf carts and don’t come closer to another player than a fully extended ball retriever.

* -- Don’t touch another player’s balls. This is always good advice.

* -- No high fives. Fortunately, we seldom have a reason.

* -- No petting the geese or the cart girl.

* -- Don’t use the spot-a-pot. More disease in there than in all of Wuhan China.

* -- No excuses. Slicing or hooking are not side effects of the coronavirus.

* -- Make an online bank transfer to pay off your bets for the day.

* -- Straddle the sprinkler on the 18th hole before getting into the car.

These rules and restrictions adequately protected us from contamination. Unfortunately, there is no vaccine for bad golf. I had trouble gripping the club with oven mittens, but it was an enjoyable afternoon which ended way too soon. There were no handshakes on the 18th green, no beers at the bar, and we drove home separately.

As the pandemic plays through, it is giving us a glimpse into our inevitable future where all meals are delivered, all entertainment comes through the tv screen, and all human interaction is through our cell phone. Where schooling is online at home, exercise is on a stationary bike in our basement, medical testing is done at drive thru windows, and colonoscopies are performed at Jiffy Lube.

The world is changing. It is becoming less interpersonal as technology consumes us. So now that we have time on our hands, everyone should take a moment to cherish this fading era, when friends still get together to hit a little ball around an open field for no good reason other than to enjoy the companionship of their fellow man.

* * *

LIFE IS ABOUT WHAT YOU SCATTER

I was at the corner grocery store buying some early potatoes... I noticed a small boy, delicate of bone and feature, ragged but clean, hungrily apprising a basket of freshly picked green peas. I paid for my potatoes but was also drawn to the display of fresh green peas. I am a pushover for creamed peas and new potatoes.

Pondering the peas, I couldn't help overhearing the conversation between Mr. Miller (the store owner) and the ragged boy next to me.

'Hello Barry, how are you today?'

'H'lo, Mr. Miller. Fine, thank ya. Jus' admirin' them peas. They sure look good'

'They are good, Barry. How's your Ma?'

'Fine … Gittin' stronger alla' time.'

'Good … Anything I can help you with?'

'No, Sir. Jus' admirin' them peas.'

'Would you like to take some home?' asked Mr. Miller.

'No, Sir. Got nuthin' to pay for 'em with.'

'Well, what have you to trade me for some of those peas?'

'All I got's my prize marble here.'

'Is that right? Let me see it', said Miller.

'Here 'tis. She's a dandy.'

'I can see that. Hmm mmm, only thing is this one is blue, and I sort of go for red. Do you have a red one like this at home?' the store owner asked.

'Not zackley … but almost.'

'Tell you what. Take this sack of peas home with you and next trip this way let me look at that red marble'. Mr. Miller told the boy.

'Sure will. Thanks Mr. Miller.'

Mrs. Miller, who had been standing nearby, came over to help me.

With a smile she said, 'There are two other boys like him in our community, all three are in very poor circumstances. Jim just loves to bargain with them for peas, apples, tomatoes, or whatever.

When they come back with their red marbles, and they always do, he decides he doesn't like red after all and he sends them home with a bag of produce for a green marble or an orange one, when they come on their next trip to the store.'

I left the store smiling to myself, impressed with this man. A short time later I moved to Colorado, but I never forgot the story of this man, the boys, and their bartering for marbles.

Several years went by, each more rapid than the previous one. Just recently I had occasion to visit some old friends in that Idaho community and while I was there learned that Mr. Miller had died. They were having his visitation that evening and knowing my friends wanted to go, I agreed to accompany them Upon arrival at the mortuary we fell into line to meet the relatives of the deceased and to offer whatever words of comfort we could.

Ahead of us in line were three young men. One was in an army uniform and the other two wore nice haircuts, dark suits and white shirts...all very professional looking. They approached Mrs. Miller, standing composed and smiling by her husband's casket.

Each of the young men hugged her, kissed her on the cheek, spoke briefly with her and moved on to the casket. Her misty light blue eyes followed them as, one by one; each young man stopped briefly and placed his own warm hand over the cold pale hand in the casket. Each left the mortuary awkwardly, wiping his eyes.

My turn came to meet Mrs. Miller. I told her who I was and reminded her of the story from those many years ago and what she had told me about her husband's bartering for marbles. With her eyes glistening, she took my hand and led me to the casket.

'Those three young men who just left were the boys I told you about years back.

They just told me how they appreciated the things Jim 'traded' them. Now, at last, when Jim could not change his mind about color or size ... they came to pay their debt.'

'We've never had a great deal of the wealth of this world,' she confided, 'but right now, Jim would consider himself the richest man in Idaho ...'

With loving gentleness, she lifted the lifeless fingers of her deceased husband. Resting underneath were three exquisitely shined red marbles.

The Moral: We will not be remembered by our words, but by our kind deeds. Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath.

Today I wish you a day of ordinary miracles

* -- A fresh pot of coffee you didn't make yourself...

*-- An unexpected phone call from an old friend...

* -- Green stoplights on your way to work...

* -- The fastest line at the grocery store...

* -- A good sing-along song on the radio…

* -- Your keys found right where you left them…

Send this to the people you'll never forget. I just did. If you don't send it to anyone, it means you are in way too much of a hurry to even notice the ordinary miracles when they occur.

It’s not what you gather -- but what you scatter -- that tells what kind of life you have lived.

* * *

THIS WEEK’S BEST VIDEOS
No. 1 – Some years ago I saw a clip of the actor Jay Thomas on David Letterman as he tells the story of when he was a disc jockey in Charlotte. The station did a remote at a car dealership with Clayton Moore, aka The Lone Ranger. Trust me, this is a classic. CLICK HERE.
 
No. 2 – On Easter Sunday, the iconic Italian tenor Andrea Bocelli, gave a worldwide concert, “Music For Hope” from the stunning Milan Cathedral, Duomo. This is “Amazing Grace” from that moment. In the last six days over 600,000 have watched it on YouTube. NOTE: The reason Andrea sings with his eyes closed is because he in completely blind. CLICK HERE.
 
No. 3 – Helene Fischer, a Russian-born singer from Germany, is universally recognized as having one of the best voices is the world. Her rendition of Ave Maria, in my mind, is without equal. Over 10 million have already watched it. CLICK HERE.
No. 4 – My dear friend Larry Cloud sends this fun video that explains what’s called “Laminar Flow.” Whoa! This is very real and your shut-in kids can have more fun than you can imagine. This tape is a bit long, but your kids will be mesmerized. CLICK HERE.


* * *

royexum@aol.com


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