Roy Exum
I like to say I never cast aspersions on anyone, nor do mock those I firmly believe are rock-solid stupid. It is not Christian – as my Lord reminds me often – and is hardly akin to the gentleman I aspire to be. Further, in my particular case, were it not for stupid people, who else would I write about? When I pull up the covers at the end of the day and take an honest accounting of myself, I can’t remember one time when my blemishes for that day granted me the right to accuse one soul of being dumber than me. Yet I persist.
On certain days I’ll agree the comparison is close. Latest example? Nancy Pelosi, this nation’s Speaker of the House, just went to a hair salon and got done what any other addled 80-year-old thinks with their withered brains will cause them to look 30 years younger. It never works, but regardless: As my girl “Judge Judy” once famously declared, “Beauty fades, but stupid is forever.”
There is a popular consolation line that men the world over share with the downtrodden, “Always remember, there is somewhere a Mr. Pelosi,” and -- of course -- the beauty-shop video will soon be revealed to be, this by a select Democratic Senate subcommittee, as a mean-spirited plot born by the President himself. The real fact is that “Old Nancy” is now loathed by women in every state who would darn near give up their “grip on the rope” just for one hour in their favorite’s beautician’s chair. Make no mistake: Nancy flaunted breaking her own rules. Period. And must wither the scorn.
No way it is untrue. Speaker Pelosi is now blatantly revealed as “sit-in-the-floor-bare-naked stupid” and if, in Congress, they were to pass out mandatory cognitive testing, Nancy would draw Seat 1-A after this latest premeditated affront to all of America.
Every year for the past many, I have eagerly awaited the announcement of “The Darwin Awards,” As my longtime readers know, “The Darwins” are named for the “Father of the Theory of Evolution,” Charles Darwin, and recognize those certain individuals who “have removed themselves from the human gene pool.” Mind you, each of “The Top Ten” is based on a true-life event, documented by reliable media reports.
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THE 2020 ‘DARWIN AWARD’ WINNERS
Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us. Here is the glorious WINNER:
1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
And now, the HONORABLE MENTIONS:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for three days.
5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer ... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]
7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So, he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast... The man, frustrated, walked away. (*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER)
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
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* -- “Remember, when you are dead, you do not know you are dead. It is only painful for others. The same applies when you are stupid.” -- Ricky Gervais
* -- “My Aunt is having a daughter, hope it is a girl.” – Anonymous
* -- “Stupidity is also a gift of God, but one mustn't misuse it.” -- Pope John Paul II
* -- “He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot, but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.” -- Groucho Marx
* -- “The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.” -- Al McGuire
* -- “It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.” -- Andy Borowitz
* -- “At every party there are two kinds of people – those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.” -- Ann Landers
* -- “Have you noticed that all the people in favor of abortion are already born?” -- paraphrased from Benny Hill
* -- “The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.” -- Bill Watterson
* -- “Life is hard. It is harder if you are stupid.” – John Wayne
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