Roy Exum
* -- You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight saving time. Nonetheless, tonight set your clocks back 1 hour anyway.
* -- I didn't realize how bad of a driver I was until my navigation system said, "In 400 feet, stop, and let me out."
* -- There are so many scams on the Internet these days... but for $19.95 I can show you how to avoid them.
* -- How I long for the days when men were men and women were grateful.
* -- Sometimes, when I'm cruising the city in a $200K vehicle, I lean back and think, "I'll be late for work if the bus driver doesn't speed up."
* -- I had a job selling security alarms door to door and I was really good at it.
If no one was home I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.
* -- What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.
* -- The optimist sees the glass half full, the pessimist sees the glass half empty, the engineer sees a glass twice as big as it needed to be.
* * *
HE TOSSED OUT AN OLD BIBLE
A collector of rare books ran into an acquaintance who told him he had just thrown away an old Bible that he found in a dusty old box.
He happened to mention that Guten-somebody-or-other had printed it.
"Not Gutenberg?" gasped the collector.
"Yes, that was it!"
"You idiot! You've thrown away one of the first books ever printed.
“A copy recently sold at auction for half a million dollars!"
"Oh, I don't think this book would have been worth anything close to that much," replied the man.
"It was scribbled all over in the margins by some guy named Martin Luther."
* * *
I CAN RELATE TO THIS WHEELCHAIR USER
A guy spends the night drinking in a bar.
When he finally leaves at 4:30 am, he immediately falls over.
He crawls for a while, then tries to get back up, falls, and crawls some more.
He goes on doing this until he finally gets home.
There he falls in his bed and promptly starts snoring.
In the morning, his wife sighs, 'You’ve got to stop drinking like this… you left your wheelchair at the bar again!'
* * *
WISDOM FROM WILLIE
"Ninety-nine percent of the world's lovers are not with their first choice. That's what makes the jukebox play." -- Willie Nelson
* * *
AN OLD GOLFER CAN’T SEE HIS BALL
Norman is 89 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement over 20 years ago.
One day he arrives home upset. "That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf.
My eyesight is so bad that once I hit the ball, I can't see where the dang thing goes."
His wife sympathizes and makes him a hot cup of tea. As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one last try."
"That's a terrible idea" says Norman, "Your brother's 90 years old. How could he help?"
"He may be 90 years old", says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."
Norman figured he'd give it a try so the next day he heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway.
He turns to the brother-in-law and says, "Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did!" replied the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight."
"Well, where did it go?" says Norman.
"Where did what go? Who are you?"
* * *
A CASE OF WRITER’S BLOCK
John: I worked as a veterinarian tech during the day and went to school at night to earn a degree in literature but no publisher or movie producer takes a second look at my work.
His best friend Frank: In looking over this script I see a distinctive influence in your work that may be a problem. I’ll read it and see if you see what I do… “He was quiet as a mouse; this dogged bear of a detective catty in his ways is stubborn as a mule. He has the memory of an elephant, the tenacity of a mongoose, pound for pound the fight of a rabid badger.”
John: Yes, I see your point; it’s too descriptive, right?
* * *
HOW MUCH IS THIS PER YARD?
Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, the pretty girl said,
"I would like to buy this material. How much does it cost?"
"Only one kiss per yard," replied the male clerk with a smirk on his face.
"That's fine," said the girl. "I'll take five yards."
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out.
The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old man behind her, and smiled, "Grandpa's gonna pay the bill."
THIS WEEK’S BEST VIDEOS
* -- Candid Camera Classic: Smallest Office CLICK HERE.
* -- Andrea Bocelli – “Hallelujah” with Daughter Virginia, Sacramento Ca. October 23, 2021 CLICK HERE.
* -- 36 Quotes from MARK TWAIN that are Worth Listening To! CLICK HERE.
* -- Veteran’s Day is November 11 –Listen to DANNY BOY by Jackie Evancho CLICK HERE.
* -- Candid Camera Classic: All Foam Coffee! CLICK HERE.
* -- In 2013 the great violinist André Rieu played ‘You'll Never Walk Alone’ for some friends. Since then, over 22 million have watched this video CLICK HERE.
royexum@aol.com