Best Of Grizzard - Advice To Newly Divorced No. 4

  • Tuesday, June 6, 2023
  • Jerry Summers

Due to the popularity of short term marriages arising out of the liaisons created in the Station Street hot spots in Gig City, several unidentifiable victims of the results of drinking cheap liquor and a quick trip to the Quick Marriage Capitol just across the state line have necessitated an additional article on the above topic.

Although he has been gone since 1994, the words of wisdom of Lewis Grizzard are eternal (like Shakespeare, Mark Twain, Wilt Chamberlain, etc.)

The 1989 Longstreet Press, 76-page paperback pamphlet with illustrations by Mark Lester contains profound literary inspirations on the twin subjects of marriage and divorce.

The emotional trauma inflicted on the males, females, etc. once the heartbreak occurs is described with painful emotion in the following excerpt:

“If divorce is ending a relationship that is bad, then why do I never feel good when the deed is done? I have been divorced three times, enough to be a regular on Divorce Court, and every time I’ve walked away with an empty feeling - in my stomach and my wallet.

I should have been ready to spread my wings and soar with the eagles. I had total freedom to do whatever I pleased. I had no one to answer to about where I was going, what I would be doing, when I’d be back, or even if I’d be back. I could run the hot spots and stay out all night, if I wanted to. I could throw my dirty underwear on the floor and leave it there for days, if I wanted to. I could have beer and corn chips for dinner every night, if I wanted to. I could squeeze the toothpaste in the middle of the tube and leave the cap off, if I wanted to.

But all I really wanted to do was sit home and count my change.

Apparently I wasn’t the only one who felt that way, because all of my newly divorced friends would call and ask me to come watch old Bonanza reruns with them. We’d sit around the TV and drink beer and eat corn chips and marvel at how well Ben, Adam, Hoss, and Little Joe got along without a woman. Unfortunately, we didn’t have Hop Sing to pick up after us. Finally one of us would doze off, and we’d cash in after another night in the fast lane.

Well, enough of this maudlin madness! We newly divorced slugs have spent enough time wallowing in salt.

If forewarned is forearmed, then I - the man who inspired the bumper sticker “Honk If You’ve Ever Been Married to Lewis Grizzard” - am here to forewarn. By sharing all that I have learned through three divorces, maybe I can save just one person from the pain and suffering of opening the closet door and finding fungus growing on your dirty clothes.”

(This article should dispel the rumors that a local deceased, disgruntled male was the originator of a similar act of revenge by placing such a similar message on a few telephone poles on the upward route to their former honeymoon cottage - L.G. was the inspiration!)

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You can reach Jerry Summers at

Jerry Summers
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