I recently prepared a draft of a proposed article “Gourmet Gluttony” on the Fourth of July 2023. “Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest” from the beautiful playground of Coney Island down the road from crime-free N.Y.C., one of the sanctuary cities.
I had put it aside because my poor efforts at satire might have been considered a little too risqué with the very subtle innuendos about the necessity of having a third division in the contest to avoid any potential civil rights/discrimination complaints of exclusion from the LGBTQ community and could not pass the censors’ scissors in Chattanoogan.com.
To my surprise a well recognized and respected veteran in the food and restaurant industry in Choo Choo City (C.S.) penned a piece from the “Redneck Rivera” that appeared in said publication in the Dining section titled “Fashionable Hot Dogs” on August 1, 2023.
The in depth knowledge contained in the article also suggested some hidden satire about potential consequences from downing the hot dogs in 10 minutes.
Having gained courage that my subtle comments might also pass a First Amendment Constitutional attack the writing will follow in its uncensored version with a humble recommendation that C.S.’s August 1, 2023 piece also be reviewed:
“Having previously declared the television remote as the greatest modern invention since the wheel or Henry Ford’s Model T Automobile said selection was re-affirmed on July 4, 2023 with the annual Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest from Coney Island, New York.
The “Babe Ruth of the Bun” reigning world champion, Joey (“Jaws”) Chestnut, demonstrated once again his superiority over his fellow all-beef wiener consuming competitors.
Although he failed to repeat his world record of 76 hot dogs in 10 minutes, he coasted to an easy victory over his opponents before a cheering crowd of 15,000 spectators mesmerized by the gentlemanly manners displayed by the contestants as they wolfed down and slurped their way to the finish line in the designated time limit.
The winner of the womens’ division was a tiny lady by the name of Niki Sudo who also gulped her way to an additional world championship.
An unidentified sports fan has brought forth a potential civil rights/discrimination problem in the eat and swallow contests.
Since males (?) have been allowed by the NCAA to compete in swim meets against females there is anticipated be a movement to require a third division for LGBTQ folks or to allow them to compete against the lesser sex under threat of a nationwide boycott against Nathan’s World Famous Hot Dogs.
Medical experts have opined, however, that it would be an extremely unfair advantage to allow a non-binary or surgically improved male to compete against the young ladies because of their size and possible prior experience in the field.
C.S.: FASHIONABLE HOT DOGS
“I’m not sure if hot dogs have become fashionable but here in the panhandle of Florida suddenly eating emporiums have been springing up if not daily at least more often than Mexican Taco Bars and Pizza parlors. To wit our newest gourmet hot dog specialty restaurant, Chicago Hot Dog, has opened or perhaps I’ve just noticed. I think it’s the former rather than the latter.
It is interesting that these hot dogs have geographical designations. Does that mean that here in Florida we’ll be calling our hot dogs Panhandle dogs? That might pose a problem however, up the road in Georgia where their football team is famously labeled the Georgia Dogs.
Currently we have been having a Hot Dog Frenzy here in my house where you could cook those dogs on the sidewalk it’s so darn hot. Better yet take them to the beach rub some oil on them and let the sun shine its countenance up them. Amen, bro.
Actually the sun has nothing to do with hot dogs except maybe when it’s raining cats and hot dogs. However there was the Nathan’s Famous Hot Dog Contest out at Coney Island in Brooklyn recently where the reigning champ, Joey “Jaws” Chestnut ate 62 hot dogs in 10 minutes.
Should I happen to run into “Jaws”, I plan to stay downwind from him if you get my drift. Nevertheless the man has amassed over $4 million doing this and probably stretched his digestive track completely out of whack. Whatever the case I find him whack-a-doodle.
I’ve always be apprehensive regarding the ingredients in anything incased in a casing because just saying an all beef hot dog doesn’t spell out what the ingredients might be.
If it does list ingredients it doesn’t tell me if those all beef suckers have beef cheeks or other animal parts too frightening to add to the label. But all’s well when my wife said those hot dogs were “kosher”. Religion aside, I doubt I will sleep any sounder knowing that.
Recently we shared some “dogs” with really good friends who were here from Chattanooga. My bride thought it would be fun to have our friends over for a wiener roast - the fun being not going outside to roast either us or the dogs.
Now it is not our style to just have simple hot dogs on hot dog buns. It’s not because we also included homemade condiments like my Sweet and Sauerkraut and crunchy broccoli slaw plus French fries. Also dessert was apple pie with strawberries I had macerated in some red wine and sugar topped with a dollop of whipped cream.
(Note: next time I want to ace the pie and have these decadent Drumstick ice cream cones which are a cheap thrill for an old guy like me!)
Having old friends from “back home” means we did a lot of catching up. True six degrees of separation with one person’s name brought up several names since that one person either had divorced and remarried or had a sister or brother who’s done so. Or unfortunately at our late stage one had “gone to the other side”. Whatever that meant to Hamilton who said it to his wife in the musical before he was blown away by that rascal Aaron Burr.
Reluctantly, I have to admit those skinless wieners were very tasty and were consumed by all except for the few remaining that were served to our neighbor who was very appreciative. Widows and widowers are very appreciate of a) being included and not dinning alone and b) not having to cook just bring over a decent bottle of wine or beer should the occasion call for it.
I would like to call attention to the fact that for a number of years I have feasted on chicken sausages which come in a variety of flavors like spinach or apple or andouille. In retrospect that sounds kind of elitist or better yet, out-of-touch. Good news, I’m back in touch so pass the sauerkraut, diced onions and of course the mustard.
Sweet and sauerkraut (easy breezy)
16 oz can sauerkraut drained
1/2 cup diced sweet onion
½ cup packed brown sugar
Sauté onions in oil until soft
Add brown sugar and toss with onions
Add sauerkraut and cook until mixture is thoroughly blended
Off stove chill before serving (best made a day or two ahead)
Crunchy Broccoli Cole Slaw
1 package broccoli cole slaw
3 or 4 green onions diced
1/3 cup diced red and yellow peppers
¼ cup extra virgin olive oil
¼ cup red wine vinegar
2 tablespoons or more Duke’s Mayo
Toss all ingredients and chill overnight if possible
Ingredients should be lighted coated because they will give up liquid
(As with sweet and sauerkraut made a day or so ahead would be best)”
(With Joey Chestnut, a millionaire because of his eating talents, and the swallowing field now containing over 100 devouring delicacy contests the future is bright for would-be participants. Who knows, Hamilton County might be creative and develop its own category of gluttony at the County Fair or other inner city local businesses like Miss Griffin’s Famous Foot Long Hot Dogs?)”
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You can reach Jerry Summers at firstname.lastname@example.org