Jerry Summers
With the current standoff between the ruling royal throne sitters (and many others) over the costs and extent of the removal of the “eyesore of the Southside” it is time to make fun of the one profession that has been ranked No.2 (you know what is No. 1) in criticism since the beginning of time (cliché?). Attorneys, lawyers, shysters, silk stocking barristers, ambulance chasers etc. may be timely targets. In the “Lawyer Joke Book” (2001-Barnes and Noble Books), a 128 page compilation of creative expressions of love and affection towards the legal profession as perpetrated by author Sid Behrman with hundreds of jokes that will make non lawyers grin or laugh outright but will also make some pompous practitioners sulk and criticize the publication as offensive to the image of the craft it is difficult to select an initial list. However, with no end in sight for the availability of material the following quotes from individuals start the process:
1. Fonseca, an unscrupulous lawyer for a man arrested for murder, bribed a man on the jury to hold out for a verdict of manslaughter. The jury was out for a very long time, and finally they returned with a verdict of manslaughter. Fonseca rushed up to the juror. "Here's your money,” he said. "I'm much obliged to you, my friend. Did you have a very hard time?" "Sure did," replied the man, "an awfully hard time. The other eleven wanted to acquit;”
2. The young attorney finished his summation: "And if it please the court, if I am wrong in this, I have another argument that is equally conclusive;”
3. "Sarah, you just gotta marry me," pleaded the young man. "I can't wait another year. Why, I know a real quick way to make a million bucks," he said, grasping his sweetheart's hand as they swung in the porch swing. "Oh? What?" "Become a corporate lawyer, and work part- time;”
4. Two henpecked husbands were downing a few beers and elaborating on the miseries of married life. Frank looked over at his friend and sighed, "My wife should have been a lawyer. Every time we have an argument, she insists on appealing the decision to the higher court.” Paul looked at him. “You don’t mean divorce court?” Frank wearily shook his head. “No. Her mother.”;
5. "Your Honor," said the jury foreman solemnly, "we find that the man who stole the $20,000 is not guilty;”
6. The law professor leaned over his lectern and addressed the eager young faces. "The U.S. is the number one country in the world in terms of the quantity of lawyers; we have more than anyone else. But we are facing a crisis," he warned. "If we don't start producing more criminals, some of the lawyers will have to go on welfare;”
7. It was so cold one day last February that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets;
8. JK, a divorce lawyer, met a colleague of his in a bar after a long day. "I had a ninety-five-year-old couple in the office today asking for a divorce. I asked them why they waited so long. They told me they were waiting till the children were dead;"
9. Young attorney P-------- had been discoursing for nearly seven hours to a weary jury, and finally he completed his summation His opponent, a grizzled old veteran, arose and looked sweetly at the judge. "Your Honor, I will follow the example of my young friend here who has just finished, and submit the case without argument;”
10.The trial was about to start; the defendant, jury, and lawyers were all assembled. Just then, one of the jury members raised her hand, and the judge motioned her to speak. "I'm afraid I cannot serve as a juror, Your Honor. One look at that man convinces me he is guilty." The judge sighed. "That's the district attorney, Mrs. A."
(Perhaps the above will direct a little attention away from the serious slug fest over proposed development projects next to the Tennessee River!)
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You can reach Jerry Summers at jsummers@summersfirm.com