Roy Exum: The Saturday Funnies

Saturday, December 7, 2019 - by Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

Hot dog for every December and here we go! We at The Saturday Funnies relish in each December because it is during this time many of the best stories are borne. From Thanksgiving to Christmas each year is a “busy street” and over these holidays, which we dutifully celebrate because of a very real and ever-revealing Christ-child, and not just from the teacher’s advancement, we will glory in these few weeks every year before Christmas. They are an integral and important part of the  Christmas procession. This year has already begun with little difference from the first many centuries ago, you may believe, but in the next few weeks you will detect a new and different Christmas that arrives each year. That’s a promise. And we at the Saturday Funnies hope and pray we will all enjoy this particular Christmas in anticipation of an eternity ahead.

A good example was spied at Walmart earlier this week when a gentleman of some regard (who I know) approached the cosmetic clerk and asked to see ladies’ perfume.  According to one reliable source, this man who we will in respect identify as “Tom,” had been out-of-town for many of the weeks until a recent December scrambled back home for Christmas Day. "How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50. "That's a bit much," said our Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30. "That's still quite a bit," Tom groused. Growing disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle. Tom grew agitated, "What I mean," he said, "is I'd like to see something real cheap."

That’s went the clerk handed him a mirror.

It is with this truth revealed that we add we do not write nor originate the Saturday Funnies. We gather these tales from the jokes and stories from those that arrive in our daily Internet offerings to share each week and therefore prolong each one’s laughter and merriment. It seems in the Christmas season we have an abundance. Here we go with this week’s first batch of this year’s season:

* * *

SOMETIMES IT TAKES AN EXPERT

One Christmas eve, Pete and Jane were driving their Russian friend Rudolph back to his house. The weather outside was frightful. Jane asked Pete, “Do you think that’s sleet or rain out there?”

“It’s rain, Jane” said Pete.

“I think it’s sleet, Pete,” said Jane.

Rudolph chimed in, “It’s definitely rain, Jane.”

“No, I really think it’s sleet, Rudolph” said Jane.

“Don’t argue with the expert, Jane,” said Pete.

“What do you mean, Pete?” asked Jane.

Pete replied, “Rudolph. The. Red. Knows. Rain. Dear.”

* * *

“YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THERE IS MORE THAN ONE SANTA?”

A father took his son Billy to the Penney's mall to see Santa. They stood in line awhile, and finally the boy was able to meet Santa and sit on his lap.

“What would you like for Christmas, Billy?” asked Santa.

“An X-Box and a Hobbit game,” Billy said.

“Okay, we’ll see what we can do about that,” said Santa with a big smile.

Later on that day they also went to see Santa at the Sears mall. When Santa asked Billy what he wanted for Christmas, Billy said, “An X-Box and a Hobbit game.”

“Will you be a good boy and do what your daddy tells you?” Santa asked.

Billy turned to his dad and said, “Let’s go back to the other Santa, Dad.”

“Why Billy?” asked his father.

“Because I don’t have to make any deals with that one.”

* * *

AT LUNCH WITH SOME OTHERS FROM THE MENSA SOCIETY

Mensa is for people who have an IQ of 140 or higher. Several of the Mensa members went out for lunch at a local café.

When they sat down, they discovered that their salt shaker contained pepper, and their pepper shaker was full of salt. How could they swap the contents of the two bottles without spilling any, and using only the implements at hand? This was a job for Mensa minds.

The group debated the problem and presented ideas and finally, came up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer.

They called the waitress over, ready to dazzle her with their solution.

“Ma’am,” they said, “we couldn’t help but notice that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker has pepper.”

But before they could finish, the waitress interrupted:  “Oh, sorry about that.”

She leaned over the table, unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them.

There was dead silence at the Mensa table.

Kind of reminds you of Washington D.C., doesn’t it?

* * *

‘CELEBRATE! WHAT DO YOU MEAN, ‘CELEBRATE?’

A six-year-old boy wanted to play with his new toys one Christmas morning: "I don't want to go to church on Christmas"

Mother: "It's important to go celebrate the birth of Jesus"

6 year old boy: "But we don't even KNOW him!"

* * *

“WHEN I MARRIED my wife, I knew I had found Mrs. Right!! However, it took about another 5 years to learn that her first name was ALWAYS!!"

* * *              

TODAY KIDS MAY BE SMART BUT NOT AS CLEVER AS THEIR GRANDMOTHER

One Christmas, a mother decided she was no longer going to remind her kids to send thank you notes. Consequently, the kids’ grandmother never received any thanks for the Christmas checks she sent to the kids.

The very next Christmas, all the kids stopped by in person to thank their grandmother for their checks.

When asked by a friend what caused this change in behavior, the grandmother replied, “Simple. This year I didn’t sign the checks.”

* * *

HELP WANTED: FLORIDA GROVES NEED LEMON PICKERS

"Lemon Pickers Needed” read the ad in the newspaper.  Ms. Sally Mulligan of Coral Springs, Florida, read it, and decided to apply for one of the jobs that most Americans are not willing to do. She submitted her application for a job in a Florida lemon grove, but seemed far too qualified for the job.

She has a liberal arts degree from the University of Michigan, and a master’s degree from Michigan State University. For a number of years, she had worked as a social worker, and also as a school teacher.

The foreman studied her application, frowned, and said, "I see that you are well educated, and have an impressive resume.

“However, I have to ask you, have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?”

"Well, as a matter of fact, I have," she said. "I've been divorced three times, owned two Chryslers, voted twice for Obama, and once for Hillary.”

She started work yesterday.

* * *

WHY THE ANGEL IS AT THE TOP OF THE TREE

 Many have asked, "What is the reason for the angel on top of the Christmas tree?" Once upon a time Santa was rushed to get ready for Christmas. He had told Mrs. Claus to wake him at 5 a.m. and to have his breakfast ready with a lunch to bring along. He also told the elves to have all the Christmas presents packed in the sleigh and the reindeer harnessed by 5:30. At 5:30 the following morning Santa Claus awoke and jumped out of bed furious with Mrs. Claus for not waking him up on time! Santa's mood only got worse when he realized Mrs. Claus had not fixed breakfast or lunch! Santa then ran out to his sleigh only to see that the elves had no presents packed and the reindeer were running wild in the pasture! About this time a little angel walked by dragging a large Christmas tree. Santa tried to ignore since he wasn't his jolly old self. But, the angel spoke up and said, "Santa what should I do with this Christmas tree?" And that is the reason for the angel on top of the Christmas tree.

* * *

DOCTOR, WILL I LIVE TO BE 90 ?

I recently had to choose a new primary care doctor.

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, she said I was doing fairly well for my age. (I am seventy).

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking her, 'Do you think I'll live to be 90?'

She asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?'

'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then she asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'

'I said, 'Not much... My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

She asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'

'No,' I said...

The pretty physician paused, and she scratched her head. “I gotta’ ask you,” her face was quizzical, “Why the heck you want to live to be 90?”

* * *

A MAN WENT TO THE BUTCHER and saw that the turkeys were 90 cents a pound. He said to the butcher, 'Do you raise them yourself?' 'Of course, I do,' the butcher replied. 'They were only 50 cents a pound this morning!'

* * *

THE BEST CHRISTMAS PRESENT YOU CAN GIVE

On his deathbed Alexander the Great summoned his generals and told them his three ultimate wishes:

The best doctors should carry his coffin; The wealth he had accumulated (money, gold, precious stones) should be scattered along the way to his burial; and his hands should be left hanging outside the coffin for all to see.

Surprised by these unusual requests, one of his generals asked Alexander to explain.

Here is what he said:

"I want the best doctors to carry my coffin to demonstrate that in the face of death, even the best doctors in the world have no power to heal.

"I want the road to be covered with my treasure so that everybody sees that the wealth acquired on earth, stays on earth.

"I want my hands to swing in the wind so that people understand that we come to this world empty-handed and we leave empty-handed after the most precious treasure of all is exhausted....

“Time."

Time is our most precious treasure because it is limited. We can produce more wealth, but we cannot produce more time.

When we give someone our time, we actually give a portion of our life that we will never take back. Our time is our life!

The best present you can give your family and friends is your time.

May we all have the wisdom to give it.

* * *

VIDEO OF THE WEEK

As we venture into the Christmas Season, please know The Saturday Funnies holds ‘The Piano Guys’ in the highest regard. In 2014 they helped create what is called “The Best Christmas Song I Ever Heard.” As any of us will agree – along with now over 30 million viewers and counting -- this comes mighty close. You might notice that during the live Nativity scene, as you first hear a chorus, there are those wearing simple white robes that appear to help … yes, they in real life are the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. Hold on tight for this one, and CLICK HERE.

****

royexum@aol.com


Roy Exum: Vouchers Are Coming

Roy Exum: The Saturday Funnies

Roy Exum: Opiates Scald East Ridge


Last Wednesday a friend walked into a fast-food restaurant on South Broad Street. He placed his order with the young woman working the register and soon it was delivered on the counter. “That ... (click for more)

I love the story that is going around about a guy being interviewed in one of these desperation job fairs – with unemployment figures as low as they are – and the kid is being interviewed by ... (click for more)

Herbert Slatery, Tennessee’s Attorney General, is waging all-out war on Big Pharma, alleging a huge supplier of opioids and 12 of its top customers in Tennessee may be involved in a mammoth case ... (click for more)


Opinion

Roy Exum: Vouchers Are Coming

Last Wednesday a friend walked into a fast-food restaurant on South Broad Street. He placed his order with the young woman working the register and soon it was delivered on the counter. “That will be $11.60,” said the girl and my friend, realizing he had left his credit card in the car, pulled a $20 bill from his pocket instead of swiping the card. “I am sorry,” said the girl, “but ... (click for more)

Roy Exum: The Saturday Funnies

I love the story that is going around about a guy being interviewed in one of these desperation job fairs – with unemployment figures as low as they are – and the kid is being interviewed by Volkswagen. The boy is smart but, better yet, he’s passed the drug test. As the recruiter pushed to close the deal, he says, “We’ll start you at $25,000 but a little later you’ll be up to $40,000.” ... (click for more)

Breaking News

No One Injured In Fire At Union Hall

Chattanooga firefighters battled a fire on Fairview Avenue on Saturday night. It happened at 8:43 p.m. at the United Steelworkers Local 15120 building at 1109 Fairview Ave. The union hall is on the bottom floor and several apartments are located upstairs. When crews arrived, all of the occupants were out of the building and there was smoke coming from the roof. Firefighters ... (click for more)

Home In Harrison Bay Area Destroyed By Fire Saturday Afternoon

Fire destroyed a family’s home in the Harrison Bay area on Saturday afternoon. At 12:45 p.m., a 911 call was made reporting a fire on the deck and spreading fast throughout the house. All residents were able to evacuate the home safely. The Highway 58 Volunteer Fire Department responded to 9112 Villagewood Drive and arrived on the scene reporting heavy smoke and fire on a ... (click for more)

Sports

Lady Vols Fight Back To Take Conference Win Over LSU

KNOXVILLE, Tenn . -- The No. 23/23 Lady Vols got back in the win column on Sunday, defeating LSU, 63-58, in a key SEC match-up in front of a season-best crowd of 10,230 at Thompson-Boling Arena. The victory enabled the Lady Vols to post a 2-1 record during a week in which they played three games, including both SEC opponents entering games having had an off-date prior to their ... (click for more)

UTC Women Fall To Mercer 55-48 On The Road

Chattanooga outscored Mercer 22-7 in the third quarter but it wasn’t enough as the Mocs fell 55-48 to the Bears at Hawkins Arena Saturday afternoon in Southern Conference women’s basketball action. Both teams move to 4-16 overall while the Mocs even out its SoCon record at 3-3 and Mercer enjoys its first victory in league play to improve to 1-4. Bria Dial was 4-of-4 in the ... (click for more)