Roy Exum: The Saturday Funnies

Saturday, February 9, 2019 - by Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum
I talked with my main man Cleo earlier this week and told him I was still being plagued by telemarketers. He offered three new suggestions and, as we open this week’s edition of the Saturday Funnies, here are Cleo’s newest solutions, several Funnies this week, one of the tricks was priceless: Tell them, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably tell you before we begin, I'm not wearing any clothes."

That failing, you should whisper, “I am currently on in-house arrest and I’d give anything for some cold beer … how far away are you?”

If travel is impossible, pull out the hearing aid trick. Tell the caller they must speak as loudly as they can. Then explain in order to get a semblance of understanding, you are going transcribe every word, making the “ringleader” go daft as you struggle with a memory that I cannot remember more three words at a time.
If you will master this scam, so help me they’ll never call back!

Kindly remember The Saturday Funnies are not written by me; I just gather them from the funny stories that show up in my email every week. Here are some of the best from my computer’s inbox from this week

* * *

FACE IT! MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE

What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves.  Chocolate is just another snack.  You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Wrinkles add character.  Wedding dress - $5,000. Tux rental - $100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Two pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes - one color for all seasons.   You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.   You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache... You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes. No wonder men are happier!

* -- NICKNAME … If Laura, Kate, and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba, and Wild Man.

* -- EATING OUT … When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50.  None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

* -- MONEY ... A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

* -- BATHROOMS … A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

* -- ARGUMENTS … A woman has the last word in any argument.  Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

* -- FUTURE … A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

* -- MARRIAGE … A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

* -- DRESSING UP … A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

* -- NATURAL … Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed … Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

* -- OFFSPRING … Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears, and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY. A married man should forget his mistakes.  There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

* * *

BAR-ROOM PHIL0SOPHY IS SIMPLY ‘UNDEFEATED!’

* -- Fighting for peace is a oxymoron. (The Bayou, Baton Rouge, LA)

* -- No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap. --
Men’s Room, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, NC

* -- It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. -- Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Wickenburg, AZ

* -- Make love, not war. Hell, do both ... Get married! -- Women's restroom, The Filling Station, Bozeman, MT

* -- If voting could really change things, it would be illegal. -- Revolution Books, New York, New York

* -- If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress! -- Men's restroom House of Representatives, Washington, DC

* -- Express Lane: Five beers or less. -- Sign over one of the urinals, Ed Debevic's, Phoenix , AZ

* -- You're too good for him -- Sign over mirror in Women's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills , CA

* -- No wonder you always go home alone. -- Sign over mirror in Men's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills , CA

* -- A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it. – Women’s restroom, Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, TX.

* * *

HAPPINESS -- To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY -- Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die...

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED: Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

* * *

HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO WORK AT THE ‘ACKNOWLEDGMENT DESK?

NOTE: This is not a funny-funny but so wonderful I wanted to include it …

I dreamt that I went to Heaven and an angel was showing me around. We walked side-by-side inside a large workroom filled with angels. My angel guide stopped in front of the first section and said, "This is the Receiving Section. Here, all petitions to God said in prayer are received."

I looked around in this area, and it was terribly busy with so many angels sorting out petitions written on voluminous paper sheets and scraps from people all over the world.

Then we moved on down a long corridor until we reached the second section.

The angel then said to me, "This is the Packaging and Delivery Section.” Here, the graces and blessings the people asked for are processed and delivered to the living persons who asked for them." I noticed again how busy it was there. There were many angels working hard at that station, since so many blessings had been requested and were being packaged for delivery to Earth.

Finally, at the farthest end of the long corridor we stopped at the door of a very small station. To my great surprise, only one angel was seated there, idly doing nothing. "This is the Acknowledgment Section," my angel friend quietly admitted to me. He seemed embarrassed.

"How is it that there is no work going on here?" I asked.

"So sad," the angel sighed. "After people receive the blessings that they asked for, very few send back acknowledgments."

"How does one acknowledge God's blessings? "I asked.

"Simple," the angel answered. Just say, "Thank you, Lord."

"What blessings should they acknowledge?" I asked.

"If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead and a place to sleep, you are richer than 75% of this world. If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish, you are among the top 8%  of the world's wealthy, and if you get this on your own computer, you are part of the 1% in the  world who has that opportunity."

"If you woke up this morning with more health than illness.. You are more blessed than the many who will not even survive this day."

"If you have never experienced the fear in battle, the loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture, or the pangs of starvation...  You are ahead of 700 million people in the world."

"If  you can attend a church without the fear of harassment, arrest, torture or death you are envied by, and more blessed than, three billion people in the world."

"If you can hold your head up and smile, you are not the norm, you're unique to all those in doubt and despair … “

"Ok," I said. "What now? How can I start?"

The Angel said, "If you can read this message, you just received a double blessing in that someone was thinking of you as very special and you are more blessed than over two billion people in the world who cannot read at all."

Have a good day, count your blessings, and if you care to, pass this along to remind everyone else how blessed we all are …


Roy Exum: Maddy’s Bigger Victory

This Generation Is Falling To The Wayside - And Response (2)

Roy Exum: Just Say ‘I Love You’


There are two things that I suspect I am far better-versed than you are. The first is that after a half-century as an unquenchable student, my list of the greatest athletes in the history of ... (click for more)

As a 35-year-old mother of four daughters, I worry about them daily. I know how hard junior high school, as it was called back then, and high school were. With technology changes and social media ... (click for more)

A dear friend sends me a note that his mom, after 40 glorious years of teaching children in public schools, is dying. The death of a mom or dad is among the worst things a child must bear, watching ... (click for more)


Opinion

Roy Exum: Maddy’s Bigger Victory

There are two things that I suspect I am far better-versed than you are. The first is that after a half-century as an unquenchable student, my list of the greatest athletes in the history of UT athletics is better than yours. Oh, you can get the record books, the stat sheets, and an easy-to-find list of victories and do right well. But my edge is that I know what it took, the back-story, ... (click for more)

This Generation Is Falling To The Wayside - And Response (2)

As a 35-year-old mother of four daughters, I worry about them daily. I know how hard junior high school, as it was called back then, and high school were. With technology changes and social media taking over, these kids are losing their childhood and innocence far earlier than they should. There is so much more peer pressure on them to do things that are considered “cool”. Bullying ... (click for more)

Breaking News

Walker County Commissioner Announces Erlanger Debt Will Be Paid In Full In Current Tax Cycle

Walker County Commissioner Shannon Whitfield said on Wednesday that the county will pay off its $8.7 million debt to Erlanger Health System within the current tax cycle. The announcement was made on Walker County's Facebook page and can be found here . The debt was incurred during the prior administration of Commissioner Bebe Heiskell, when she backed $10 million of an infusion ... (click for more)

Littlefield Proposes Using Portion Of Hotel/Motel Tax Funds To Operate New Homeless Shelter

Former Chattanooga Mayor Ron Littlefield is proposing that the city and county take $1 million each from the hotel/motel tax to operate a new homeless center. Mr. Littlefield told members of the County Commission on Wednesday that he believes it would be a justified use of the hotel/motel funds because restaurant and hotel operators often complain that homeless people are disturbing ... (click for more)

Sports

5-3A Softball: Lady Trojans Stop Lady Mustangs, 5-3, For Regular Season Title

At crunch time in Wednesday’s District 5-3A softball showdown between Soddy-Daisy and Walker Valley, the Lady Trojans delivered two heavy jolts to the Lady Mustangs. With the score tied at 3-3, Emily Higgins belted a two-out home run in the fourth inning. In the top of the seventh, Baylie Davis smacked a leadoff homer that easily cleared the left-center field fence and disappeared ... (click for more)

UTC's San Juan Gets Bid For NCAA Golf Regionals

Chattanooga Mocs senior Monica San Juan is headed to Opelika, Ala., for the 2019 NCAA Auburn Regionals. She one of 384 collegians vying for the NCAA Championship played May 17-22 at the Blessings Golf Club in Fayetteville, Ark. But first is regional play May 6-8. Saugahatchee Country Club is one of four regional sites. Each site features 18 teams and six individuals with the ... (click for more)