Roy Exum: The Saturday Funnies

Saturday, February 9, 2019 - by Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum
I talked with my main man Cleo earlier this week and told him I was still being plagued by telemarketers. He offered three new suggestions and, as we open this week’s edition of the Saturday Funnies, here are Cleo’s newest solutions, several Funnies this week, one of the tricks was priceless: Tell them, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably tell you before we begin, I'm not wearing any clothes."

That failing, you should whisper, “I am currently on in-house arrest and I’d give anything for some cold beer … how far away are you?”

If travel is impossible, pull out the hearing aid trick. Tell the caller they must speak as loudly as they can. Then explain in order to get a semblance of understanding, you are going transcribe every word, making the “ringleader” go daft as you struggle with a memory that I cannot remember more three words at a time.
If you will master this scam, so help me they’ll never call back!

Kindly remember The Saturday Funnies are not written by me; I just gather them from the funny stories that show up in my email every week. Here are some of the best from my computer’s inbox from this week

* * *

FACE IT! MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE

What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves.  Chocolate is just another snack.  You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Wrinkles add character.  Wedding dress - $5,000. Tux rental - $100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Two pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes - one color for all seasons.   You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.   You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache... You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes. No wonder men are happier!

* -- NICKNAME … If Laura, Kate, and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba, and Wild Man.

* -- EATING OUT … When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50.  None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

* -- MONEY ... A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

* -- BATHROOMS … A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

* -- ARGUMENTS … A woman has the last word in any argument.  Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

* -- FUTURE … A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

* -- MARRIAGE … A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

* -- DRESSING UP … A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

* -- NATURAL … Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed … Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

* -- OFFSPRING … Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears, and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY. A married man should forget his mistakes.  There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

* * *

BAR-ROOM PHIL0SOPHY IS SIMPLY ‘UNDEFEATED!’

* -- Fighting for peace is a oxymoron. (The Bayou, Baton Rouge, LA)

* -- No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap. --
Men’s Room, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, NC

* -- It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. -- Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Wickenburg, AZ

* -- Make love, not war. Hell, do both ... Get married! -- Women's restroom, The Filling Station, Bozeman, MT

* -- If voting could really change things, it would be illegal. -- Revolution Books, New York, New York

* -- If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress! -- Men's restroom House of Representatives, Washington, DC

* -- Express Lane: Five beers or less. -- Sign over one of the urinals, Ed Debevic's, Phoenix , AZ

* -- You're too good for him -- Sign over mirror in Women's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills , CA

* -- No wonder you always go home alone. -- Sign over mirror in Men's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills , CA

* -- A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it. – Women’s restroom, Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, TX.

* * *

HAPPINESS -- To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY -- Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die...

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED: Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

* * *

HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO WORK AT THE ‘ACKNOWLEDGMENT DESK?

NOTE: This is not a funny-funny but so wonderful I wanted to include it …

I dreamt that I went to Heaven and an angel was showing me around. We walked side-by-side inside a large workroom filled with angels. My angel guide stopped in front of the first section and said, "This is the Receiving Section. Here, all petitions to God said in prayer are received."

I looked around in this area, and it was terribly busy with so many angels sorting out petitions written on voluminous paper sheets and scraps from people all over the world.

Then we moved on down a long corridor until we reached the second section.

The angel then said to me, "This is the Packaging and Delivery Section.” Here, the graces and blessings the people asked for are processed and delivered to the living persons who asked for them." I noticed again how busy it was there. There were many angels working hard at that station, since so many blessings had been requested and were being packaged for delivery to Earth.

Finally, at the farthest end of the long corridor we stopped at the door of a very small station. To my great surprise, only one angel was seated there, idly doing nothing. "This is the Acknowledgment Section," my angel friend quietly admitted to me. He seemed embarrassed.

"How is it that there is no work going on here?" I asked.

"So sad," the angel sighed. "After people receive the blessings that they asked for, very few send back acknowledgments."

"How does one acknowledge God's blessings? "I asked.

"Simple," the angel answered. Just say, "Thank you, Lord."

"What blessings should they acknowledge?" I asked.

"If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead and a place to sleep, you are richer than 75% of this world. If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish, you are among the top 8%  of the world's wealthy, and if you get this on your own computer, you are part of the 1% in the  world who has that opportunity."

"If you woke up this morning with more health than illness.. You are more blessed than the many who will not even survive this day."

"If you have never experienced the fear in battle, the loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture, or the pangs of starvation...  You are ahead of 700 million people in the world."

"If  you can attend a church without the fear of harassment, arrest, torture or death you are envied by, and more blessed than, three billion people in the world."

"If you can hold your head up and smile, you are not the norm, you're unique to all those in doubt and despair … “

"Ok," I said. "What now? How can I start?"

The Angel said, "If you can read this message, you just received a double blessing in that someone was thinking of you as very special and you are more blessed than over two billion people in the world who cannot read at all."

Have a good day, count your blessings, and if you care to, pass this along to remind everyone else how blessed we all are …


Rock Star Educators

When Will The Chattanooga Police Department Do The Right Thing?

Remembering LaVaughn "Whitey" Cantrell


The school year is off and running, and the activity and energy are off the charts. Educators are relentlessly encouraging and instructing students in their classrooms. While I deeply respect ... (click for more)

Today, it was announced that the police officer who killed unarmed Eric Garner in New York, was fired. It has taken five years for that decision. On Jan. 2, 2004, unarmed Leslie Vaughn Prater ... (click for more)

Our community is blessed with many good Southern Gospel singers and groups. One such person was LaVaugh “Whitey” Cantrell. “Whitey” as he is known around here passed away on Friday. “Whitey” ... (click for more)


Opinion

Rock Star Educators

The school year is off and running, and the activity and energy are off the charts. Educators are relentlessly encouraging and instructing students in their classrooms. While I deeply respect those veteran teachers, who paved the way before retiring, I am seeing some incredibly talented instructors across the state in our schools today. I think we have more Rock Star Educators than ... (click for more)

When Will The Chattanooga Police Department Do The Right Thing?

Today, it was announced that the police officer who killed unarmed Eric Garner in New York, was fired. It has taken five years for that decision. On Jan. 2, 2004, unarmed Leslie Vaughn Prater died. The results of two official autopsy reports, one in Chattanooga and the other in Nashville, and conducted by different medical examiners, reported the findings. Their independent investigations ... (click for more)

Breaking News

Motorcyclist, 55, Killed In Collision With SUV On Tuesday Morning On Lee Highway

A motorcyclist was killed in a collision with an SUV on Lee Highway on Tuesday morning. At approximately 9:01 a.m., Chattanooga Police were notified of a serious traffic crash involving a motorcycle and a vehicle at 7500 Lee Highway. The CPD Traffic / DUI Unit responded to the scene. A GMC Acadia, driven by Gary A. Moore, 68, was traveling south on Lee Highway and merged ... (click for more)

Construction Set To Start Next Spring On $25 Million Chattanooga Airport Parking Deck; Terminal To Expand; Enplanements Continue To Increase

Terry Hart, president of the Chattanooga Airport, said at the August board meeting that it has been a good summer for the airport with enplanements in June increasing 12½ percent above last year and seven percent in July. For the first seven months of the year, enplanements are up 12 ½ percent with an increase of 2,500 arrivals and departures year-to-date over 2018. However, a leveling ... (click for more)

Sports

Grace Rally Tops Hixson In Volleyball Opener

High school volleyball teams have been practicing for several weeks and no doubt, are ready for a real match so they can show what they’ve learned so far. Monday was the first day of the season. No question some coaches were happier than others with final results, but it’s a good bet that all identified multiple areas where improvement needs to be made if they have a chance of ... (click for more)

VOLLEYBALL ROUND-UP

Opening night volleyball action saw CSAS defeat East Ridge, 3-0, while Rhea County blanked Red Bank. In other area matches East Hamilton continued to build on a great 2018 campaign with a 3-0 win over Silverdale, Lookout valley defeated Patriots, 3-0 and Boyd-Buchanan blanked Soddy Daisy. CCS won, 3-0, over Bradley Central. Opening night also saw one of last year’s state finalists ... (click for more)