Roy Exum
I am thinking that this story has been printed in The Saturday Funnies before, yet it is so wonderful perhaps there are some who may have missed it. As our regular readers know, The Saturday Funnies are gleaned from the wonderful emails that grace our inbox during the week. As a disclaimer, they are not written by us and almost all of them do not reveal any origin of authorship. But we believe a “merry heart” belongs in every weekend and enjoy passing them along.
It seems a visiting pastor attended a men's breakfast in the middle of a rural farming area.
The group asked an older farmer, decked out in freshly washed bib overalls, to say grace for the morning breakfast.
"Lord, I hate buttermilk," the farmer began.
The visiting pastor opened one eye to glance at the farmer and wonder where this was going. Then the farmer loudly proclaimed, "Lord, I hate lard."
Now the pastor was growing concerned. Without missing a beat, the farmer continued, "And Lord, you know I don't much care for dry white flour."
The pastor once again opened an eye to glance around the room and saw that he wasn't the only one feeling uncomfortable.
Then the farmer added, "But Lord, when you mix buttermilk and lard and flour together and bake them, I do love warm fresh buttermilk biscuits.
"So, Lord, when things come up that we don't like, when life gets hard, when we don't understand what You are saying to us, help us to just relax and wait until you're done with the mixing.
“Your grace will probably be even better than buttermilk biscuits. Amen."
* * *
OUR SOCIETY’S ‘VICTIMS’ AND THE ‘OCCUPYING’ GAME OF GOLF
I am a member of golf's lower 99 percent.
I am an indifferent golfer, and there's no way I could ever make it to the professional level. I will never put in the practice time to be the best.
I will never have the shots, skills, or mental to "make it" in the sport. I just never felt like working all that hard at it.
However, I am a part of the golfing community and, as such, feel I should be paid by the top 1 percent of golfers for what I do. It isn't fair that those players who have worked harder, have studied the game, have better equipment, and are more skilled and dedicated should make all that BIG money.
Where's my share? I'm a victim! The top 1 percent should pay for my club memberships, green fees, lessons, and buy me new clubs, balls, clothes, and shoes, and pay me some of their winnings. They can afford it. They are "The Rich."
The whole system should be changed to accommodate people like me.
I think we should get together and occupy a golf course and that those who are better at what they do, pay for us who generally stink.
Whining should get us something -- maybe garnish some public sympathy – and what do you say? Two strokes a side?
* * *
FIVE RIDDLES (WITH THE ANSWERS!)
The answers to these five riddles are right below but try to solve them without peeping.
1. A murderer is condemned to death. He must choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in three years. Which room is safest for him?
2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him underwater for over five minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But five minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?
3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?
4. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Wednesday, Friday, or Sunday?
5. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious as to just how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so ordinary and plain that you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is highly unusual though. Study it and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out. Try to do so without any coaching!
- - -
The Answers …
1. The third room. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead. (That one was easy, right?)
2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry (shot; held under water; and hung).
3. Charcoal, as it is used in barbecuing.
4. Sure you can name three consecutive days, yesterday, today, and tomorrow!
5. The letter ‘e’, which is the most common letter used in the English language, does not appear even once in the paragraph.
* * *
INTERESTING OBSERVATIONS FROM AN ELDER
* -- I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to dribble it.
* -- When people see a cat's litter box they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" I just say, "No, it's for company!"
* -- Employment application blanks always ask who is to be called in case of an emergency. I think you should write, "An ambulance."
* -- The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
* -- The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
* -- Have you ever noticed: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.
* -- The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he knows when he's really in trouble.
* -- Did you ever notice that when you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs?"
* -- Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
* -- Some people try to turn back their "odometers." Not me. I want people to know why I look this way.
* -- I've traveled a long way and a lot of the roads were not paved.
* -- You know you are getting old when everything either dries up, sags or leaks.
* -- Ah! Being young is beautiful but being old is comfortable.
* -- Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.
* * *
AN AMAZING STORY ABOUT A MILLIONAIRE
Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in Manhattan walks to the corner where a shoeshine is always located.
He sits on the couch, examines the Wall Street Journal, and the shoeshine guy gives his shoes a shiny, excellent look.
One morning the shoeshine asks the executive director, “What do you think about the situation in the stock market?”
The director asks in turn arrogantly, “Why are you so interested in that … that topic?”
"I have a million dollars in your bank," the shoeshine says, "and I'm considering investing some of the money in the capital market."
“What's your name?” asks the director.
“John Smith H.”
The director arrives at the bank and asks the manager of the Customer Department, “Do we have a client named John Smith H?”
“Certainly,” said the customer service manager, “he is a highly esteemed customer.”
“He has a million dollars in his account.”
The director comes out, approaches the shoeshine, and says, “Mr. Smith, I ask you this coming Monday to be the guest of honor at our board meeting and tell us the story of your life. I am sure we will have something to learn from you.”
At the board meeting, the executive director introduces him to the board members. “We all know Mr. Smith, who makes our shoes shine in the corner; but Mr. Smith is also our esteemed customer with a million dollars in his account. I invited him to tell us the story of his life. I am sure we can learn from him."
Mr. Smith began his story. “I came to this country 50 years ago with an unpronounceable name. I got off the ship without a penny. The first thing I did was change my name to Smith. I was hungry and exhausted. I started wandering around looking for a job but to no avail. Suddenly I found a coin on the sidewalk. I bought an apple. I had two options: eat the apple and quench my hunger or start a business. I sold the apple for two dollars and bought two apples with the money. I also sold them and continued in business.
“When I started accumulating dollars, I was able to buy a set of used brushes and shoe polish and started polishing shoes. I didn't spend a penny on entertainment or clothing, I just bought bread and some cheese to survive. I saved penny by penny and after a while, I bought a new set of shoe brushes and ointments in different shades and expanded my clientele. I lived like a monk and saved penny by penny,” he told the awe-struck directors.
“After a while I was able to buy an armchair so that my clients could sit comfortably while cleaning their shoes, and that brought me more clients. I did not spend a penny on the joys of life. I kept saving every penny. A few years ago, when the previous shoeshine on the corner decided to retire, I had already saved enough money to buy his shoeshine location at this great place.”
Finally, three months ago, my sister, who was a prostitute in Chicago, passed away, and left me a million dollars.”
(Why is it that this made me laugh out loud?)
* * *
THIS WEEK’S BEST VIDEOS
* -- A very creative guy, Matthijs Vlot, took words from dozens of movie scenes, ones you may recognize, to create a Lionel Richie hit song. CLICK HERE.
* -- ‘The Kingdom Choir’ was flying to Australia on a British Airways flight a couple of years ago when they arranged a treat for the passengers. CLICK HERE.
* -- A MUST SEE - “Will someone help me cross?” CLICK HERE.
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