Roy Exum: The Saturday Funnies

Saturday, June 19, 2021 - by Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

Mississippi’s Lee Sanderlin finished dead-last in his fantasy football pool with his buddies and, per the rules, had to spent 24 straight hours inside a neighborhood Waffle House to discipline his mind for the 2021 season. However, there was a proviso – for every waffle that Lee ate an hour would be deducted from the 24-hours at the restaurant.

He ate two waffles when he got to the Brandon., Miss., restaurant earlier this week. An hour later the 25-year-old ‘good sport’ downed two more and Tweeted: “Four waffles down. Been here for 1.5 hours and that means I have 18.5 to go. I am already in immense discomfort. Please, somebody launch me into the sun!”

At 4 a.m.

he ate his eighth and ninth waffle. He was able to leave at 7 a.m. “The sun is shining; it’s a new day and I am never eating waffles again. That’s nine waffles and 15 hours in this restaurant. A ‘shout out’ to the staff for letting me hang out on a slow night. (I tipped them well so don’t worry.) This was horrible and I recommend no one ever do this!”

* * *

THIS WEEK’S QUIZ

Every week this summer we are challenging the Saturday Funnies readers with a quiz to keep their minds sharp, and each question counts 10 points. Your weekly totals will be transported by osmosis and placed in “your permanent record” that elementary children were once terrified. If you even suspect you actually have “a permanent record,” please skip to todays jokes …

1. What is actually electricity? a) A flow of water; b) A flow of air; c) A flow of electrons; d) A flow of atoms

2. Which of the following disorders is the fear of being alone? a) Agoraphobia; b) Aerophobia; c) Acrophobia; d) Arachnophobia

3. Which is the easiest way to tell the age of many trees? a) To measure the width of the tree; b) To count the rings on the trunk; c. To count the number of leaves; d) To measure the height of the tree

4. What do we call a newly hatched butterfly? a) A moth; b) A butter; c) A caterpillar, d) A chrysalis e) A caterpillar

5. What was the first country to use tanks in combat during World War I? a) France; b) Japan; c) Britain; d) Germany

6. What is the main component of the sun? a) Liquid lava; b) Gas; c) molten iron; d) Rock

7. Which of the following animals can run the fastest? a) Cheetah; b) Leopard; c) Tiger; c) Lion

8. Where did the powers of Spiderman come from? a) He was born with them; b) He was bitten by a radioactive spider; c) He went through a scientific experiment; d) He woke up with them after a dream.

9. Which of the following actors was the first one to play James Bond? a) Timothy Dalton; b) Roger Moore; c) Sean Connery; d) George Lazenby

10. The phrase: “I think, therefore I am” was coined by which philosopher? a) Socrates; b) Plato; c) Aristotle; d) Descartes.

* * *

THIS WEEK’S RIDDLE

“Never was, am always to be. No one ever saw me, nor ever will. And yet I am the confidence of all, to live and breathe on this terrestrial ball. What am I?”

* * *

THIS WEEK’S JOKES

Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Louisiana Highway Patrol.

The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So ya'll want to be cops, huh?"

The blondes all nodded. The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder.

Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars and so forth."

Then he showed a photo to the first blonde and withdrew it after a couple of seconds.

"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He only has one eye."

The detective shook his head disgustingly and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture. It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then showed the photo to the second blonde and asked, "What about you?

Did you notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you just hear what I told the first lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course, you can only see one ear!! You're excused, too!"

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a big waste of my time, but...”

He flashed the photo in this blonde's face for a brief moment and withdrew it, saying,

"All right. Did you notice anything unusual or distinguishing about this man?"

The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.

He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "Why, you're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts!

How in the world could you tell that simply by looking at his picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes dramatically and replied, "Well....hellooooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."

* * *

THE ART OF DEDUCTION AT THE POST OFFICE

A customer walked into the post office wanting to mail a package. “Two-day shipping will cost $12.95 to get it there by Friday,” I told her. The customer, clearly looking to save a few bucks, said, “The package doesn’t have to get there till Saturday. Is there any way to make that happen?”

I nodded. “Sure. You can bring it back tomorrow.”

* * *

A REQUEST FOR $100 REACHES WASHINGTON

A little boy wanted $100 for a bicycle, so he prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.

Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the money.

When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, they decided to send it to the President.

The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he gave his secretary a $10 bill to send to the little boy. The President thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the money and sat down to write a thank-you note to the Lord, which read:

Dear Lord, Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. where those jerks deducted 90 percent.

* * *

THIS WEEK’S ANSWERS

1. c) A flow of electrons

2. a) Agoraphobia

3. b) To count the rings on the trunk

4. c) A caterpillar

5. c) Britain

6. b) gas

7. a) Cheetah

8. b) He was bitten by a radioactive spider

9. c) Sean Connery

10. d) Descartes

- -

The Riddle

Answer: The future

* * *

THIS WEEK’S VIDEO

* -- An aging lion is surrounded by hyenas and is in trouble … until his buddy shows up. Over 71 million have watched this BBC film. Note the hyenas’ laugh, but never underestimate the power of a friend. CLICK HERE.

* -- It’s a Southern thing: What “bless his heart” really means. CLICK HERE.

* -- The Bronze Cowboy is so funny nobody gets mad. CLICK HERE.

* -- Candid Camera Classic: Some Assembly Required CLICK HERE.

* -- Remote Controlled Alligator Prank Just For Laughs CLICK HERE.

* -- Almost 60 million have watched the famous lion prank. CLICK HERE.

royexum@aol.com


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