Best Of Grizzard - June Romance

  • Friday, December 2, 2022
  • Jerry Summers

Lewis Grizzard (LG) expressed characteristics as his preferences of a bride.

Although he engaged in three divorces and four marriages in his brief life span of 47 years (1947-1994) he was an active participant in the pursuit of the fairer sex all his life.

In his book “Elvis Is Dead and I Don’t Feel So Good Myself” (1984 -Peachtree Publishers) the voluntary participant in multiple unsuccessful matrimonial adventures lists at least twenty-eight (28) characteristics as to “what sort of woman I would want to marry if I even marry again!”

Obviously, the test is too long to mention all of them but on pages 136-138 of the above publication they are available for review in their entirety.

(The review will confirm and add evidence to the rumor that he was a difficult or impossible date or spouse during his adult life.)

I have selectively chosen in his own words the traits and features that LG wanted in a prospective future Mrs. Grizzard:

1. “I would like to have a wife who cooks a meal occasionally, even if she happens to be the Governess;”

2. “I do not want a woman who has hairy legs like mine;”

3. “I want her to be good to my dog;”

4. “I don’t want a woman who knees me in the belly when I forget to put the top back onto the toothpaste;”

5. “I want her to talk sweetly on the morning after I’ve made a fool out of myself at a party and have a terrible hangover;”

6. “I want her to like country music;”

7. “I want her to at least understand the basics of college football as it is played in major conferences;”

8. “I don’t want a woman who introduces me to all sorts of strange s_ _ _ _ _ techniques that she picked up on a recent business trip to the Orient;”

9. “I want a woman who I stand at least an even chance at beating in a game of Trivia Pursuit;” and

10. “I don’t want a woman who comes to bed smelling like a can of Pennzoil because her hobby is rebuilding race cars for the Junior Johnson racing team;”

(The balance of the desired traits are no less sexist or discriminatory and may help to explain Lewis Grizzard’s lack of total success in the wedlock area)

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Jerry Summers
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