Lewis Grizzard (LG) expressed characteristics as his preferences of a bride.
Although he engaged in three divorces and four marriages in his brief life span of 47 years (1947-1994) he was an active participant in the pursuit of the fairer sex all his life.
In his book “Elvis Is Dead and I Don’t Feel So Good Myself” (1984 -Peachtree Publishers) the voluntary participant in multiple unsuccessful matrimonial adventures lists at least twenty-eight (28) characteristics as to “what sort of woman I would want to marry if I even marry again!”
Obviously, the test is too long to mention all of them but on pages 136-138 of the above publication they are available for review in their entirety.
(The review will confirm and add evidence to the rumor that he was a difficult or impossible date or spouse during his adult life.)
I have selectively chosen in his own words the traits and features that LG wanted in a prospective future Mrs. Grizzard:
1. “I would like to have a wife who cooks a meal occasionally, even if she happens to be the Governess;”
2. “I do not want a woman who has hairy legs like mine;”
3. “I want her to be good to my dog;”
4. “I don’t want a woman who knees me in the belly when I forget to put the top back onto the toothpaste;”
5. “I want her to talk sweetly on the morning after I’ve made a fool out of myself at a party and have a terrible hangover;”
6. “I want her to like country music;”
7. “I want her to at least understand the basics of college football as it is played in major conferences;”
8. “I don’t want a woman who introduces me to all sorts of strange s_ _ _ _ _ techniques that she picked up on a recent business trip to the Orient;”
9. “I want a woman who I stand at least an even chance at beating in a game of Trivia Pursuit;” and
10. “I don’t want a woman who comes to bed smelling like a can of Pennzoil because her hobby is rebuilding race cars for the Junior Johnson racing team;”
(The balance of the desired traits are no less sexist or discriminatory and may help to explain Lewis Grizzard’s lack of total success in the wedlock area)
* * *
You can reach Jerry Summers at email@example.com)