Since the month of June has traditionally been a time span dedicated to the preservation of the sanctity of marriage, spending money on receptions, the honeymoon trips to Bermuda, etc. another unidentified reader made inquiry as to whether Lewis Grizzard (L.G.) had ever written on the subject.
Of course he did. However it first must be pointed out that the term “Bride” previously had a much narrower meaning.
When Dolly Parton entered through the wedding chapel in beautiful downtown Ringgold she “amply fit” the time old definition.
Instead of “Dolly and Carl” it today might be “Holly and Polly”, Carl and Karl, etc. in the liberated new era.
In 1989 L.G. published a 20 chapter paperback with cartoon illustrations by Mike Lester that equally discussed the topic of marriage and divorce, “Advice to the Newly Wed” and “Advice to the Newly Divorced.” (Longstreet Press)
(For the purpose of being respectful to the modern outdated ceremony of matrimony (by some) we will save the second part until a later date)
A short introduction sets the stage for a happy lifelong journey of eternal happiness!
“Our money buys food, buys food and gas. Her money buys darling blouses!”
One gets the impression that such a statement partially explains L.G. relationships and exit from four marriages prior to his unfortunate death on March 20, 1994.
The following tips by L.G. are repeated to ensure a “successful and rewarding marriage” with added update comments by this local author:
1.) “Husbands should go shopping in antique stores with their wives once in a while, even if it nearly bores them to death. It beats shopping for antiques in a bar at midnight, if you get my drift (Older women (?) make beautiful lovers);
2.) In the words of Loretta Lynn (which cannot be improved upon) “Don’t come home a-drinkin’ with lovin’ on your mind.” (No Ripple, Boones Farm, or Mad Dog 80 breath. Perrier water and $90 chardonnay burps are exception);
3.) Gas chain saws are not good anniversary gifts for wives and neither are power lawn mowers for husbands… even if they are self-propelled (Electric powered tools are now the murder tool of choice in 2023);
4.) Shop for your mate’s underwear occasionally… and pick yours up off the bedroom floor frequently (If may be presumptuous to think they (?) are clad in underwear);
5.) Honesty is not always the best policy when a spouse asks, “How does this look?” (Just give them the credit card to Macys or Bruce Baird); and,
6.) Above all else, remember that your spouse’s back needs scratching too sometimes and that some of the best hugs you’ll ever get (or give) are for no reason at all (But the dog gives true love!).”
(Stay tuned for part 2 of the treatise and announcement that non-stop flights to Reno are coming soon from Gig City and can correct the mistake of the misguided Nuptials!)
* * *
You can reach Jerry Summers at email@example.com