As school starts back, here are some words of wisdom, with a little bit of wit thrown in too.
New teachers often ask for advice: “How do I control these kids for a whole year?” Hamilton County guidance counselor Veronica “Pooh” Nash, who recently became famous for her YouTube video on how to avoid sharks, has the answers. (In case you missed it, she told millions of viewers to stay out of the ocean, because it’s the shark’s dinner table!) Anyway, Ms. Nash has three basic tips for teachers to use in the month of August. First, the “stink-eye,” the arching of an eyebrow that is sure to instill fear in any misbehaving 7th grader. Next, is the gritted teeth method. With teeth clenched closely together, she says,“You’d better sit down if you know what’s good for you!” And finally, the “rat face,” scrunching up your nose just enough to let ‘em know you mean business. She says that if you master these techniques in August, you won’t have any difficult children in November. Give it a try!
Now, a classic teacher joke. The kindergarten children brought presents for their teacher, Mrs.
Jones.
Brandon handed Mrs. Jones a gift. The teacher knew Brandon’s father was a florist. She held up the box and said, "Oh, you got me some flowers!"
"That's right!" shouted Brandon.
Then Nicole handed Mrs. Jones a gift. The teacher knew Nicole’s mother owned a candy store. She held up the box and said, "Oh, I just know it's some chocolates!"
"That's right!" squealed Nicole.
The next gift was from Andy. The teacher knew Andy’s father owned a liquor store. Mrs. Jones held up the box and saw a wet spot. It was leaking, just a little. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it.
"Mmmm, is it fine wine?" she asked.
"No ma’am," Andy answered. Mrs. Jones touched another drop to her tongue.
"Well then it must be champagne, right Andy?" she asked.
"No ma’am," Andy replied.
"Well then, I give up. What is it?" she said.
He grinned from ear to ear and said, "It’s a puppy!"
That brings us to my three favorite recent Facebook posts. You can’t make this stuff up:
First, “You asked if schools should teach cursive writing. My children have already learned too many cursive words from those movies we get at RedBox.”
Then, there’s this one: “You keep saying bullies pray on smaller children. I didn’t think they allowed that in school.”
And finally: “Who cares about this stupid dress code anyway. Next year I’ll be in collage.”
I love visiting elementary schools. If you want a huge dose of honesty, just talk to first and second graders.
I visited a second-grade class recently, and as I started talking to the kids, I thought I’d try to make them laugh. So I looked around the room, inhaled the air, waved my arms and said, “What a great classroom! It smells like EDUCATION in here!” I barely got it out of my mouth when a little boy raised his hand and said, “No sir, that’s Lysol. Miss Kathy wiped down everything before you came in.”
I also visited an elementary school on a day when Miss Tennessee paid a visit, in full beauty-queen mode. The tiara, the sash, big hair, lots of makeup and a tight outfit revealing a shapely figure. After spending the better part of an hour talking about the evils of drugs and the importance of staying in school, she invited questions. The kids were shy at first, so she said, “Go ahead, just ask me about whatever is on your mind.” A 3rd grade boy jumped up, raised his hand, and shouted, “Are you a Kardashian?”
(From David Carroll’s ChattanoogaRadioTV.com)