Roy Exum: The Sunday Funnies

Sunday, July 2, 2017 - by Roy Exum

A long, long time ago, when my friend Larry Cloud was a small child growing up in Indiana, Sunday mornings were really special. Children all over the state in the 1940s and 1950s would rush out in the driveway to get the Sunday editions of The Indianapolis Star and then would sprawl out on the living room floor with the family’s Philco radio turned up loud. 

The greatest and most beloved radio announcer in Indianapolis back then was “Uncle Wally” Nehrling and – imagine this – he would host the “Funny Page Party” on the huge 50-Kilowatt radio station WIRE-AM from 8:15 on Sunday morning to 8:45. Get this: kids all over the state would look at the funny papers and ‘Uncle Wally’ would literally read the content and captions as the kids would follow his every word. Is that great or what? 

Larry remembers, “The Sunday morning program was early enough that Mother and my brother and I were always able to get to Sunday School some 4-plus miles away on time,” but then he also added, “Most likely I should give some credit for my interest and ability in reading to Uncle Wally; he was careful to read the captions word for word, and add his own comments on the action, etc.”
Who would have ever thought that “Uncle Wally,” by enunciating the words that the children could see, would use the funnies to give an unspoken reading lesson. I just love that. 

Because my first-of-the month stroll through my garden pre-emptied the Saturday funnies, here’s a Sunday version until we get back in sync. Here is a sampling of the funny stories that arrived in my mail this week: 

* * *

THE BAPTIST WHITE-LIE CAKE DOWN IN TUSCALOOSA 

Have you ever told a white lie? Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church Ladies' Group in Tuscaloosa, but forgot to do it until the last minute. She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through cabinets, found an angel-food cake mix and quickly made it while drying her hair, dressing, and helping her son pack for scout camp. 

When she took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured and she exclaimed, "Oh dear, there is not time to bake another cake!"

So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake. She found it in the bathroom - a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and then covered it with icing. Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect.

And, before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the moment it opened at 9:30 and to buy the cake and bring it back home. 

When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found the attractive, perfect cake had already been sold. Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her mom. Alice was horrified. She was beside herself! Everyone would know! What would they think? She would be ostracized, talked about, ridiculed! All night, Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing fingers at her and talking about her behind her back. 

The next day, Alice promised herself she would try not to think about the cake and would attend the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a fellow church member and try to have a good time. She did not really want to attend because the hostess was a snob who more than once had looked down her nose at the fact that Alice was a single parent and not from the founding families of Tuscaloosa, but having already RSVP'd, she couldn't think of a believable excuse to stay home.
The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old south and to Alice 's horror, the cake in question was presented for desert! 

Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake! She started out of her chair to tell the hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said, "what a beautiful cake!" 

Alice, still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say, "Thank you, I baked it myself." 

Alice smiled and thought to herself, “God is good." 

* * * 

A GREAT WAY TO BUY A NEW CAR 

A retired older couple returned to a Ford dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they had been keen on buying to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde in a mini-skirt and a halter top. 

The old man was visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply:  "Young man, I thought you said you would hold that car until we raised the $55,000 asking price. Yet I just overheard you close the deal for $45,000 to that lovely young lady there. And if I remember right, you had insisted there was no way you could discount this model." 

The salesman took a deep breath, cleared his throat and reached for a large glass of water. “Well, what can I tell you? She had the cash ready, didn't need any financing help, and, Sir, just look at her, how could I resist?” replied the grinning salesman sheepishly. 

Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and gave the car keys to the old man. “There you go," she said. "I told you I could get that idiot to lower the price. See you later Dad, Happy Father's day." 

Don’t mess with seniors. 

* * * 

BE CAREFUL WHO GIVES YOU DIRECTIONS

A delightful angelic little boy was waiting for his mother outside the ladies room of the gas station. As he stood there, he was approached by a man who asked, “Sonny, can you tell me where the Post Office is?" 

The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street two blocks and turn to your right.  It's on the left." 

The man thanked the boy kindly, complimented him on how bright he was and said, "Say … I'm the new pastor in town. If you and your mommy come to church on Sunday, I'll show you how to get to Heaven." 

The little boy replied with a chuckle; "You're kidding me, right? You can't even find the Post Office." 

* * *

NEVER LOOK TOO LONG AT A BANK ROBBER

A hooded robber burst into a North Dakota bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door, a brave North Dakota customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robber's face. 

The robber shot the customer without a moment’s hesitation. 

He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also. Everyone in the bank, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence. 

The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?" There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly too afraid to speak. Then, one old Norwegian named Ole from North Dakota tentatively raised his hand and said, "My wife got a pretty good look at you!!!” 

* * *

THE LATEST LIST OF STUFF SOUTHERN WOMEN SAY 

“She’s got enough money to burn a wet mule.” 

“That fellers all broke out in money.” 

“Well roll me in flour and call me fried.” 

“Bless her heart.” 

“I bet she drinks Pepsi.” 

“It’s hotter than the hinges of Hell.” 

* * * 

“IS THAT JESUS SITTING OVER THERE?” 

Republican, in a wheelchair, entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the restaurant and asked, “is that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitress nodded. So the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup of coffee, on him. 

The next patron to come in was a Libertarian, with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus over there?" The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat." 

The third patron to come into the restaurant, was a Democrat on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there honey! How's about getting me a cold mug of Miller Light!"  He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, "Isn't that God's boy over there?" The waitress nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold beer. "On my bill," he said loudly so everyone in the restaurant could hear. 

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Republican felt the strength come back into his legs, got up and began to praise the Lord. 

Jesus passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Libertarian felt his back straightening up, he raised his hands and he, too, began to praise the Lord. 

Then, Jesus walked, with a huge smile on his face, towards the Democrat. The Democrat jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me....... I'm on disability!" 

* * * 

THIS WAS ON A LONG QUESTIONNAIRE AT THE DOCTOR’S OFFICE 

 Relationship Status:
(  ) Single
(  ) In a relationship
(  ) Married
(  ) Engaged
(   ) Divorced
( X ) Waiting for a miracle 

* * * 

The Saturday Funnies will resume this week.

royexum@aol.com


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