The big story of the day is that if “if Punxsutawney Phil comes out and sees the village idiot, within six weeks we’ll have a village full of idiots.” Groundhog Day is a celebration where over 40,000 now gather at Gobbler Ridge in Pennsylvania to see if a rodent sees his shadow. The legend is simple: If Punxsutawney Phil sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter weather. If he does not see his shadow, there will be an early spring.
The Saturday Funnies salutes Groundhog Day, which morphed into a wonderful movie starring Bill Murray some 25 years ago. The story of what really happened was the co-star bit Murray twice, both times so severely Murray had to be taken to a nearby emergency room and was forced to take injections to stifle any rabies. Murray claims he hasn’t touched a groundhog since.
The Saturday Funnies, please remember, are not originally written but instead are collected during each week in the emails and fun news articles that cross our desk. The celebrity groundhog at the Chattanooga Aquarium, “Chattanooga Chuck” will look for his shadow this morning at 10:30 a.m. and those wishing to witness any shadow are urged to be in place a bit earlier.
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HERE’S WHY OLD PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS LAUGHING
TWO ELDERLY GENTLEMEN from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?' Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?' 'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
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LIFE-LONG FRIENDS had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great... I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love … You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
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THIS ONE IS A CLASSIC! Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. 'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
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A COUPLE IN THEIR NINETIES are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember…Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks. 'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?' 'Sure.' 'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.' 'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too.
‘Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?
'He says, 'I can remember that.’ ‘You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she says. Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!
'Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment. 'Where's my toast?'
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AN 85-YEAR-OLD SENIOR CITIZEN said to his eighty-year old buddy: 'So I hear you're getting married?' 'Yep!'
'Do I know her?' 'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?' 'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?' 'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?' 'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?' 'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?' 'Because she can still drive!'
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THREE OLD CODGERS are out walking. First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?' Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'
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THE WHITE-HAIRED MAN was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art… It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?' 'Twelve thirty..'
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MY MAN MAURICE, age 82, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Maurice walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Maurice and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Maurice replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'
'The doctor said, 'I didn't say that... I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
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GOD HAS A SENSE OF HUMOR OR THESE WOULDN’T APPEAR IN CHURCH BULLETINS
Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with computers. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
* -- The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
* -- The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water. The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus.
* -- Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
* -- Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
* -- Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
* -- Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
* -- For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
* -- Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
* -- Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
* -- A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
* -- At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
* -- Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
* -- Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
* -- The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
* -- Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
* -- The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
* -- This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
* -- Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
* -- The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
* -- Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
* -- The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
* -- Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
* -- The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
Always remember: Life is full of give & take -- Give thanks and take nothing for granted."
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THIS WEEK’S TOP VIDEO – When Mark Robinson approached the Greensboro, N.C. City Council to share his remarks, he had no idea he would be watched by Internet viewers around the world. For his hell-or-high water speech CLICK HERE.
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