Roy Exum: The Saturday Funnies

Saturday, June 15, 2019 - by Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

In the month of June, so far, the Chattanooga area has had 6.6 inches rain, a full six inches over our monthly average of .06, and with the first half of the month including out wettest day (2.9 inches on June 9) we are kicking off this week’s Saturday Funnies with a touch of physical science.

When I was a child, I was taught the ditty: ‘"A pint's a pound, the world around." That's a common expression. A pint is 16 fluid ounces and 16 fluid ounces of water weighs approximately 16 dry ounces. Two pints to the quart, four quarts to the gallon means eight pints to the gallon, so a gallon weighs about eight pounds.

The other thing that trips people up is the size of an acre because it is hard to see. The easiest way to see what an acre looks like is to go to a regulation-size football field with the understanding the playing surface is 100 yards long (300 feet) and 53 1/3 yards wide (160 feet.) If you sprayed 91 of the 100 yards you can see, quite easily, what an acre really looks like.

A faithful reader – Thomas in Rock Hill, S.C. - sends this along:

* -- One inch of rain on one acre equals 27,154 gallons of water, weighing 113.232 tons.

* -- A square mile has 640 acres.

*  -- One inch of rain on a square mile equals 173,785,560 gallons of water, weighing 72,468.48 tons.

While most of us can’t find much that is significant in a square inch of water, perhaps you can see why levees in towns up and down the Mississippi are devastated.

Please remember I do not write the Funnies, rather I collect them during the week and share them in the weekly edition of The Saturday Funnies. This week we’ve received some good ones…

* * *

HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM TOMATOES?

An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and three kids. He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes an aptitude test.

The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at a minimum wage of $9.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we can get you in the loop. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the forms and advise you when to start and where to report on your first day."

Taken back, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a computer nor an e-mail address.

To this the manager replies, "You must understand that to a company like ours that means that you virtually do not exist. Without an e-mail address you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech firm. Good day."

Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having $10 in his wallet, he walks past a farmers' market and sees a stand selling 25 lb. crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he sells all the tomatoes and makes 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 and arrives home that night with several bags of groceries for his family.

During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next day. By the end of the week he is getting up early every day and working into the night. He multiplies his profits quickly.

Early in the second week he acquires a cart to transport several boxes of tomatoes at a time, but before a month is up, he sells the cart to buy a broken-down pickup truck.

At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left their neighborhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife is buying the tomatoes for him to put on display, and his daughter is taking night courses at the community college so she can keep books for him.

By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks and employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. He continues to work hard.

Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of nice trucks and a warehouse that his wife supervises, plus two tomato farms that the boys manage. The tomato company's payroll has put hundreds of homeless and jobless people to work. His daughter reports that the business grossed over one million dollars. Now that he has escaped his burden, he starts planning for the future, and he decides to buy some life insurance.

Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically.

When the maw hen the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess with a computer and has no e-mail address, the insurance man is stunned, "What, you don't have e-mail? No computer? No Internet? Just think where you would be today if you'd had all of that five years ago!"

"Ha!" snorts the man. "If I'd had e-mail five years ago I would be sweeping floors at Microsoft and making $9.35 an hour."

Which brings us to the moral of the story -- Since you got this story by e-mail, you're probably closer to being a janitor than a millionaire. (Sadly, I received it the same way.)

* * *

WHAT GIVES MARINES THE ABILITY TO ANSWER QUESTIONS SO SUCCINCTLY?

Years ago, a young Navy Pilot was injured while ejecting from his A-4 Skyhawk due to engine failure during a catapult shot from the carrier. Due to the heroics of a rescue helicopter crew and the ship's hospital staff, the only permanent injury was the loss of the pilot’s left ear.

He remained on flight status and eventually became an Admiral. However, during his career he was always sensitive about his appearance. One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Sergeant Major for his personal staff.

The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" The Master Chief answered, "Why, yes, Admiral. I couldn't help but notice that you are missing your starboard ear, so I don't know whether this impacts your hearing on that side."

The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office. The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, "Well yes, Sir, you seem to be short one ear." The Admiral threw him out as well.

The third interview was with the Marine Sergeant Major. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Navy Master Chiefs put together.

The Admiral wanted this guy but went ahead with the same  question. "Do you notice anything different about me?" To his surprise, the Sergeant Major said, "Yes Sir. You wear contact lenses."

The Admiral, impressed,  thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Marine. "And how would you know that?" the Admiral asked.

The Sergeant Major replied: "Well, sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with just one flippin’ ear. "

* * *

A LESSON FROM THE LADY WHO BOUGHT A BIRD FEEDER

I bought a bird feeder. I hung it on my back porch and filled it with seed. What a beauty of a bird feeder it was, as I filled it lovingly with seed.

Within a week we had hundreds of birds taking advantage of the continuous flow of free and easily accessible food. But then the birds started building nests in the boards of the patio, above the table, and next to the barbecue.

Then came the poop, the droppings. It was everywhere: on the patio tile, the chairs, the table ... everywhere!

Then some of the birds turned mean. They would dive bomb me and try to peck me even though I had fed them out of my own pocket. Other birds were boisterous and loud. They sat on the feeder and squawked and screamed at all hours of the day and night and demanded that I fill it when it got low on food.

After a while, I couldn't even sit on my own back porch anymore. So, I took down the bird feeder and in three days the birds were gone. I cleaned up their mess and took down the many nests they had built all over the patio.

Soon, the back yard was like it used to be …. quiet, serene … and no one demanding their rights to a free meal. Now let's see......

Our government gives out free food, subsidized housing, free medical care and free education, and allows anyone born here to be an automatic citizen.

Then the illegals came by the tens of thousands. Suddenly our taxes went up to pay for free services; small apartments are housing five families; you have to wait 6 hours to be seen by an emergency room doctor;

Your child's second grade class is behind other schools because over half the class doesn't speak English. Corn Flakes now come in a bilingual box; I have to 'press one ' to hear my bank talk to me in English, and people waving flags other than ”ours” are squawking and screaming in the streets, demanding more rights and free liberties.

This is just my opinion, but maybe it's time for the government to take down the bird feeder.  If f you agree, pass it on; if not, just continue cleaning up the droppings.

* * *

SOME GREAT, AND NOT SO GREAT OBSERVATIONS BY DEMOCRATS

Orators of the Democrat Party –from the distant  past:

"One man with courage makes a majority." ~Andrew Jackson

"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." ~Franklin D. Roosevelt

"The buck stops here." ~Harry S. Truman

"Ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country." ~John F. Kennedy

But wait ....There are more Great orators of the Democrat Party –  

MORE  RECENT GEMS of wisdom:

"It depends what your definition of 'is' is?''

~William Jefferson Clinton

"Those rumors are false. I believe in the sanctity of marriage"

~John Edwards

"What difference does it make?" (re: Benghazi)

~Hillary Clinton

"I invented the Internet."

~Al Gore

"America is, is no longer, uh, what it, uh, could be, uh, what it was once was,

uh, and I say to myself, uh, I don't want that future, uh, for my children."

~Barack Obama

"I have campaigned in all 57 states."

 ~Barack Obama (Quoted in 2008)

"You don't need God anymore; you have us Democrats."

~Nancy Pelosi (Quoted in 2006)

"Paying taxes is voluntary."

~Sen. Harry Reid

"Bill is the greatest husband and father I know. No one is more faithful, true, and honest than he is."

~Hillary Rodham-Clinton (Quoted in 1998)

"You have a business, you didn't build that. Someone else did!"

~Barack Obama (Quoted in 2012)

And the most ridiculous gem of wisdom: "We just have to pass Obama's Healthcare Bill to see what's in it."

 ~Nancy Pelosi  (Quoted March in 2010)

(As one doctor said: "That is also the perfect definition of a stool sample.")

AND THE LATEST FROM THIS DYSFUNCTIONAL, STUPID  BUNCH IS…….  

"My fear is if North Korea nukes us, Trump is gonna get us into a war."

Maxine Waters......2017

"We are all born ignorant, but one must work very hard to remain STUPID!"

~Benjamin Franklin~ (1706-1790)

  I am adding Nancy Pelosi’s most recent quote: “ You need to vote for the Democrats otherwise the illegal aliens will lose their rights”!

     Saw her make this statement on the news the other night! What planet is she from exactly?

* * *

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

A second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

* * *

VIDEO OF THE WEEK – My favorite comedians of all time were Tim Conway and Harvey Korman on the old Carol Burnett show. They were best friends – every Friday night their families gathered and could never believe the mystic joy the two shared. Many times Tim would totally abandon the script and leave Harvey trying to salvage the scene – Tim loved to egg on Harvey, so as you marvel at the fact good, clean fun is America’s bedrock, watch Harvey’s face as he absolutely dissolves over Conway’s antics. 
CLICK HERE.

royexum@aol.com


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