Roy Exum: The Saturday Funnies

Saturday, October 24, 2020 - by Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

So, The Saturday Funnies calls on “the Riddler” and tells him we want one that is not too easy yet not too hard. Here’s the reply: “You are in a bar having a drink with an old friend when he proposes a wager.

"Want to play a game?" he asks. "Sure, why not?" you reply.

"Ok, here's how it works. You choose three possible outcomes of a coin toss, either heads-heads-heads; or tails-tails-tales; or heads-heads-tails, or whatever. I will do likewise. I will then start flipping the coin continuously until either one of our combinations comes up. The person whose combination comes up first is the winner.

“And to prove I'm not the cheating little weasel you're always making me out to be, I'll even let you go first so you have more combinations to choose from.

So how about it? Is $10.00 a fair bet?"

“You know that your friend is a skilled trickster and usually has a trick or two up his sleeve but maybe he's being honest this time. Maybe this is a fair bet. While you try and think of which combination is most likely to come up first, you suddenly hit upon a strategy which will be immensely beneficial to you. What is it?”

As you think hard, it is a good time to remind you that The Saturday Funnies do not originate with us. The fun jokes and stories come through the Internet, or from many of our readers who pass them along. We believe every weekend must include laughter and we are happy to help supply it.

Now, here what the wise man said to the $10 dollar bet:

- - -

The hook is to make the prankster go first!

Yes, the answer is to ALWAYS make ‘the mark’ go first. This puzzle is based on an old game/scam called “Penny Ante.” No matter what you picked, your friend would be able to come up with a combination which would be more likely to beat yours.

For example, if you were to choose HHH, then unless HHH was the first combination to come up you would eventually lose since as soon as a Tails came up, the combination THH would inevitably come up before HHH.

The basic formula you can use for working out which combination you should choose is as follows: Simply take his combination (let’s say, HHT) take the last term in his combination, put it at the front (in this case making THH) and your combination will be more likely to come up first. According to statistics and the laws of probably, this works almost every time!

Now let’s get to this week’s Funnies!

* * *

THE MOST FAMOUS “TWO-WAY POEM” IN THE WORLD

Every person, regardless of age, color, political party, or any other circumstance, should read this poem, but only with the promise you will read it twice. This is a most important message to every junior high or high school person, and please urge our shy and timid pals. (I’ll explain at the bottom of the poem after your first reading!)

- - -

I’m very ugly

So, don’t try to convince me that

I am a very beautiful person

Because at the end of the day

I hate myself in every single way

And I’m not going to lie to myself by saying

There is beauty inside of me that matters

So, rest assured I will remind myself

That I am a worthless, terrible person

And nothing you say will make me believe

I still deserve love

Because no matter what

I am not good enough to be loved

And I am in no position to believe that

Beauty does exist within me

Because whenever I look in the mirror I always think

Am I as ugly as people say?                                

* -- You have now read the poem once but, as with everything in life, there is always another way to look at things. The only catch: Your second reading must be in reverse. That’s right; start with the bottom line first, then the line above it and so on. Now you’ll get the true meaning. I promise. (This poem was written by Abdullah Shouib, and is now treasured all over the world)

* * *

REMEMBER, YOU ARE NOT ALWAYS ‘LOST

Here’s a life lesson for those of us who are “lost” and maybe don’t even know it:

Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life.

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.

 As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for 20 years."

Apparently, I'm still lost ... it's a man thing.

* * *

“AND WHAT ABOUT THE VEGETABLE?”

Late last night, Joe and Jill climbed up to The Hill, a local bistro renowned for its beef.

The waiter asked Jill for her order and she said, “I’ll have a nice slice of the Prime Rib.”

The waiter then asked her “What about the vegetable?” Whereupon Jill replied ---"He’ll have the same."

* * *

WHY PUNCTUATION IS VERY IMPORTANT

You know I’m not the easiest guy in the world to get along with.

So, when our anniversary rolled around, I wanted my wife to know how much I appreciated her tolerating me for the past 55 years. I ordered flowers and told the florist to enclose a card that read, ‘Thanks for putting up with me so long.’

When my wife got the delivery, she called me while I was playing golf with some buddies.

“Just where do you think you going?” she asked rather testily.

“What do you mean?” I said.

She read the card aloud as the florist had written it:

“Thanks for putting up with me. So long.”

* * *

A LITTLE BOY NEEDS TO KNOW

A three-year-old walked over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctor’s office.

He inquisitively asks the lady, "Why is your stomach so big?"

She replied, "I'm having a baby."

With big eyes, he asked, "Is the baby in your stomach?"

She said, "He sure is."

Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, "Is it a good baby?"

She said, "Oh, yes. It's a real good baby."

With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked...

"Then why did you eat him?"

* * *

THIS WEEK’S BEST VIDEOS

* -- Do you remember when Jay Leno’s guest was a 100-year-old lady from Idaho? CLICK HERE.

* -- Kids who don’t know about the famous actor Jimmy Stewart are missing a gem. Stewart died in 1997 but before he did, he was on Johnny Carson’s show and read a eulogy to his dog, Beau. This is a classic. CLICK HERE.

* -- Many years ago. I befriended a country comedian, Jerry Clower. He was from south Mississippi, working for Mississippi Cotton & Chemical, and his stories were so rich it wasn’t no time until he was a regular on the Grand Ol’ Opry. Jerry and I hooked on pretty thick and every year we had a pact that we’d share seats for one game at The SEC Men’s Basketball Tournament, Jerry, who played football for Miss. State, would share his latest tales and I’d tell him the best jokes of the day, many that he worked in his shows. His most famous story was when he went coon-hunting with Mr. John Eubanks. CLICK HERE.

* -- Ray Stevens, a very funny Country Hall of Famer, has just come out with the “Quarantine Song.” Give this one a listen. CLICK HERE.

* -- Phil Robertson, the king of “The Duck Dynasty,” tells about catching thieves on his trot lines and what his God taught him to stop the stealing. CLICK HERE.

royexum@aol.com


Global Pandemics And Public Education Leadership

Send Your Opinions To Chattanoogan.com; Include Your Full Name, Address, Phone Number For Verification

Roy Exum: Why I Am Thankful


We are all learning when it comes to COVID-19. We have no idea which direction the pandemic may go, where there will be more outbreaks, or how bad it could become. The good news is our medical ... (click for more)

We welcome your opinions at Chattanoogan.com. Email to news@chattanoogan.com . We require your real first and last name and contact information. This includes your home address and phone ... (click for more)

For the life of me, I can’t remember when it started but back in the ‘70s, I began devoting my sports column on Thanksgiving Day to off-the-wall stuff of which I was truly and genuinely thankful. ... (click for more)



Opinion

Global Pandemics And Public Education Leadership

We are all learning when it comes to COVID-19. We have no idea which direction the pandemic may go, where there will be more outbreaks, or how bad it could become. The good news is our medical community has been incredible throughout the pandemic. Their response has saved untold lives here in America, and across the globe. When I look at the world, the likelihood of a vaccine is ... (click for more)

Send Your Opinions To Chattanoogan.com; Include Your Full Name, Address, Phone Number For Verification

We welcome your opinions at Chattanoogan.com. Email to news@chattanoogan.com . We require your real first and last name and contact information. This includes your home address and phone number. We do not post the contact information, but need it for verification. There is no word limit, but if your article is too long you may lose your reader. Please focus more on issues ... (click for more)

Breaking News

Tennessee Has 4,404 New COVID Cases, 53 More Deaths

The number of coronavirus cases in Tennessee is 352,376 on Thursday with 4,404 new cases. There have been 53 more deaths from the virus, for a total of 4,519, said state Health Department officials. The state currently has 2,178 people hospitalized from the virus, 5 less than on Wednesday. There have been 312,885 people who have recovered from the virus in Tennessee (89 ... (click for more)

Georgia Has 26 New Coronavirus Deaths, 2,946 New Cases

Georgia state health officials reported on Thursday there have been 26 additional deaths due to the coronavirus. The current total is 8,716. There were 2,946 new cases as that total reached 413,909 confirmed cases of coronavirus. Hospitalizations are at 34,587, up 174 from Wednesday. Here are the numbers by county: Catoosa County: 1,997 cases, up 25; 29 deaths; ... (click for more)

Sports

Dennis Norwood: Thankful For The Memories

Here it is Thanksgiving 2020 and time to reflect on those things for which I am most thankful. With the year we’ve had it has sometimes been tough to even think about giving thanks, but on reflection I believe we will all find people and events we should thank the Lord above for bringing our way. One thing I am grateful for this year are good memories that make me laugh. One ... (click for more)

Cakewalk: UTC Rolls By Lander In Season Opener

The big news from downtown Chattanooga Wednesday afternoon came from McKenzie Arena where a college basketball game was actually played. Yes, it was the season and home opener for the Chattanooga Mocs as they rolled past the Lander Bearcats by a 99-63 final. Bellarmine had been Chattanooga’s original season-opening opponent, but had to cancel because of Covid-19 issues. The ... (click for more)