Roy Exum: The Saturday Funnies

Saturday, November 14, 2020 - by Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

When the Saturday Funnies researched the best three riddles out there right now, it was such a tough decision that today we are offering a trifecta. If you can solve all three without sneaking a peek at the answers below, give yourself a gold star. If you can answer two of the three, you can wear a silver star, and with one correct answer, yours is a bronze. If you get none right, you are therefore “average.”

* -- A. Which is correct to say, “The yolk of the egg are white” or “The yolk of the egg is white”?

* -- B. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?

* -- C.

If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

As you listen to some cute little tune for 60 seconds before the buzzer, this is where we announce we do not write the Saturday Funnies. They are a gathering of emails that we get during the week over the Internet, many that are “favorites” of other readers. Because the Internet is so huge, our jokes are shared by other social media. This week I was sent a copy of a recent Saturday Funnies that appeared on Facebook and I could even tell when it was written – it had been translated into Portuguese!

Here are this week’s riddle answers: A -- Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow. Duh.; B: -- You can’t take pictures with a wooden leg. You need a camera to take pictures; and C: You would be in 2nd. You see, you passed the person in second place, not first.

Let’s go to the funnies!

* * *

SHE FIGURED OUT THE PROBLEM!

I came back from boy’s night out recently, sneaked into the house as quietly as I could, undressed and climbed into bed.  She rolled over and said, “You’re drunk!”

I said, “How do you know that?”

She said, “You live next door.”

* * *

ONE MAN’S WONDERFUL RUMINATIONS

* -- If when one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

* -- To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.

* -- Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.

* -- The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

* -- When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.

* -- I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.

* -- I had my patience tested. It came back negative.

* -- Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.

* -- If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"

* -- When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.

* -- I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever

* -- I run like the winded.

* -- I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.

* -- When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"

* -- When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

* -- I don't mean to interrupt people -- I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

* -- When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."

* -- Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring.

* -- Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.

* -- Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.

* -- My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.

* * *

NOT UNTIL YOU ARE 70 DO YOU ‘HIT’ !!

It's an age thing, honest. Just read and tell me it's not true, because it is true …

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

How old are you? "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life.. you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . . . YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away.

Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.

But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!

So, you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday! Sounds like a home run, you know?

You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I Was JUST 92."

* * *

GREAT NEWS – The new COVID-19 vaccine comes from the Pfizer labs. If you happen to have forgotten, the Pfizer folks are the same crowd that introduced the drug compound know as Viagra to the world. Thus, the nation’s top PR firms are reportedly mulling over the possible slogan: “If we can raise the dead, we can easily save the living!”

* * *

THIS DITZY FEMALE DESERVED THE ANSWER SHE RECEIVED

A man was visiting a friend in the hospital. He had recently quit smoking and was chewing on an unlit cigar when he stepped into the elevator. But a woman who was already in the elevator told him firmly: “Sir, there is no smoking in this hospital!”

“I’m not smoking, lady,” replied the man.

“But you have a cigar in your mouth!”

“Yes ma’am, and I’m wearing Jockey shorts, but I’m not riding a horse!”

* * *

THE ‘WISH FAIRY’ DOES IT AGAIN

A married couple in their 60's are visited by a fairy who grants them both a wish.

'I want to travel around the world with my darling husband', says the wife ... 2 tickets for a luxury cruise magically appear in her hand!

The husband counters: ‘So sorry, love … my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me ...' So, the fairy waves her wand, and the husband becomes 92!

* * *

ONE SATURDAY MORNING AT BREAKFAST

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY!

Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking!

Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'

The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'

The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

* * *

THE WEEKLY MARRIAGE SEMINAR IN TORONTO

At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto , they have weekly husband's marriage seminars.

At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!"

The priest responded, "Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?"

Giuseppe proudly replied, " I gonna go pick her up."

* * *

THIS WEEK’S BEST VIDEOS

* -- The dog breed, Newfoundland, has a natural instinct (true story) to rescue any human in distress in the sea. This little girl was knocked over by a wave near Gouville-sur-Mer, France, and the big dog tore itself away from its owner to rescue his granddaughter. CLICK HERE.

* -- Bobby Darin, one of the greatest crooners 50 years ago, knocked it out with a song called “Artificial Flowers” introduced in a 1960 Broadway show, “Tenderloin.” Darin died of sepsis in 1974 … he was 37 years old … this after he forgot to take antibiotics before a dentist visit. He suffered with osteomyelitis, just like me. CLICK HERE.

* -- In 2015, there was an arts project in Sarasota., Fla., that was widely attended. From the crowd stepped a homeless man, a former Marine, who sat down at the piano with no practice, not notes, no bath, no nothing … and began to play “Come Sail Away.” Google the name Donald Gould. Over 40 million have watched this video and it is all true, very true. He has just released his first album and, yes, “Sail Away” is included. Funny how stuff like this happens. CLICK HERE.

* -- A waitress fed a homeless person, and she couldn’t imagine who he really was! Watch this. CLICK HERE.

* -- Mom Offers Homeless Man Leftover Pizza and Is Shocked When She Finds Out Who He Really Is. I love this stuff! CLICK HERE.

royexum@aol.com


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