Roy Exum: The Saturday Funnies

Saturday, November 21, 2020 - by Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

As we present the last edition of the Saturday Funnies before next Thursday’s Thanksgiving celebration, allow us to veer away from the opening riddle. Instead, here are five “ice-breakers” you can pop on the old lady – who you have never seen before in your life and have already forgotten her name! (Old ladies think this “corn” is funny)

-- If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for? (Their age!)

-- Can an adult male turkey jump higher than the Golden Gateway Bridge? (You betcha! Bridges can’t jump.)

-- Which side of a turkey hen has the most feathers? (The outside, you fool.)

-- What’s the best thing to put in turkey and dressing? (Your teeth)

-- Why did the Indians insist on making the bread for the first-ever Thanksgiving feast? (They realized it was a crummy job.)

I believe today’s collection of The Saturday Funnies may be the best we’ve ever had in one week – honest! – but please remember the Funnies are not written by us; they are instead a collection of emails and faxes that are shared with us instead winding up ignored in some trash can.

Finally, know how blessed we are today for each and every reader and kindly be reminded Christmas is only a month away.

Here are this week’s funnies:

* * **

THE WORTH OF A SEEING EYE DOG

Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua. As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink.." 

The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there.  We've got dogs with us." 

The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do." 

They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.

The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."

The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand.  This is my seeing-eye dog."

The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"

The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."

The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."

The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought, "What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in. 

Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."

The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog" 

The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"

The woman with the Chihuahua suddenly shrieked in a way that scared everyone with earshot. “Whaaaat!!

"A Chihuahua? They gave me a freakin’ Chihuahua?!?"

* * *

THE BEST ONE LINERS FROM THE POLICE DEPARTMENT

(NOTE: This list of the best comebacks ever was reportedly taken from officers’ body cameras.)

"Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

"Take your hands off the car, or I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun."

"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh ... did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop."

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

"In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

"Just how big were those two beers?"

"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

"I'm glad to hear the chief of police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."

"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

* * *

DO NOT DISS A NEIGHBOR’S DOG

One day Jim was taking his pet for a walk when a neighbor saw them and started making fun of Jim's funny looking dog.

Jim told him its name was Al. Al had short legs, a long nose, and was covered in long black hair.

The neighbor told Jim to wait a minute and he would show him what a real dog looked like.

The neighbor opened his front door and called Max, a large Rottweiler. Max spotted Al and ran toward him barking and growling.

Al lunged at Max and swallowed him in one gulp. The neighbor was extremely upset. “What kind of dog is that?” he asked.

“It's not a dog” replied Jim. “Before I cut off his tail and started bathing him in Rogaine, he was an alligator.”

* * *

HERE’S WHERE PETS COME FROM

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?"

Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, You walked with me every day. Now I do not see You anymore.

“I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much You love me."

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me.

Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam.

And it was a good animal.

And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam, and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him.

And Adam was comforted.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration.

Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well."

And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam.

And Cat would not obey Adam.

And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being.

And Adam learned humility.

And God was pleased.

And Adam was greatly improved.

And Dog was happy.

And Cat didn't give a hoot one way or the other.

 * * *

IT ALL GOES BACK TO WHERE YOU ARE FROM …

You may have heard on the news about a Southern California man who was put under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found he owned 100 guns and allegedly had 100,000 rounds of ammunition stored in his home. The house also featured a secret escape tunnel.

By Southern California standards, someone owning 100,000 rounds is considered "mentally unstable.

BUT…

In Arizona, he'd be called "an avid gun collector.

In Arkansas, he'd be called "a novice gun collector."

In Utah, he'd be called "moderately well prepared," but they'd probably reserve judgment until they made sure that he had a corresponding quantity of stored food.

In Kansas, he'd be "A guy down the road you would want to have for a friend."

In Montana, he'd be called "The neighborhood 'Go-To' guy."

In Idaho, he'd be called "a likely gubernatorial candidate."

In Georgia, he'd be called "an eligible bachelor."

In North Carolina, Virginia, WV, Mississippi, Tennessee, Kentucky, South Carolina, and Minnesota he would be called "a deer hunting buddy."

AND OF COURSE, …

In Texas, he'd just be "a guy who's a little short on ammo.

* * *

‘DOCTOR, WILL I LIVE TO BE 80?’

Here's something to think about. I am in my early 70's.  I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing ‘fairly well' for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?'

'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'

'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'

'No,' I said...

The doctor looked at me and slowly shook his head …

'Then, why’ he crossed his arms, ‘ … do you even give a rip?'

* * *

REMEMBER: THIS IS FOR HUMOR ONLY!

Dear Employees: As the CEO of this organization, I have resigned myself to the fact that Joe Biden is our President and that our taxes and government fees will increase in a BIG way. To compensate for these increases, our prices would have to increase by about 10 percent. But, since we cannot increase our prices right now due to the dismal state of the economy, we will have to lay off 60 of our employees instead.

This has really been bothering me since I believe we are family here and I didn't know how to choose who would have to go. So, this is what I did. I walked through our parking lots and found 60 'Biden Harris' bumper stickers on our employees' cars and have decided these folks will be the ones to let go.

I can't think of a more, fair way to approach this problem. They voted for change -- I gave it to them. I will see the rest of you at the annual company picnic.

* * *

THIS WEEK’S BEST VIDEOS

* -- Watch this 30 minutes before you say the blessing on Thanksgiving Day. CLICK HERE.

* -- Sometimes fate brings two people together in such an amazing way that some stories are even hard to believe. No one ever knows where these two lonely people meet. By chance or because of the fate, but in an instant, all the puzzles are put together in one big picture. CLICK HERE.

* -- Listen to Linda Eder sign one of her most beautiful … and most requested songs: “Vienna.” CLICK HERE.

* -- Timeless. This is Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel singing “Bridge Over Troubled Water” to a live audience … yes, 51 years ago. CLICK HERE.

* -- What if you were a kid in elementary school and had to draw what you were most thankful for? CLICK HERE.

royexum@aol.com


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