Roy Exum: The Saturday Funnies

Friday, November 27, 2020 - by Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

Not so long ago we started kicking off The Saturday Funnies with some of our favorite riddles, which can be a lot of fun. As you have just discovered, quarantining at Thanksgiving isn’t as much fun but did you notice when we cut the crowd, our gratitude was allowed to get larger? It seemed we had more time to focus on our treasures, and there is something that is pretty much fun in that.

Some readers have shared great riddles with us, and this week we have three that are so simple, they are hard:

1) Before Mount Everest was discovered, what do you reckon was the tallest mountain in the world?

2) What runs around the whole yard without moving?

3) What has one foot on the right side, one foot on the left side, and one foot slap dab in the middle?

While you mull over solutions, please know we do not write The Saturday Funnies.

Instead they are submitted by readers, among our emails, and shared by friends. And now for the answers:

1) No matter it was undiscovered, Everest has always been the tallest mountain.

2) A fence runs around the yard … and never moves.

3) Anytime three feet are side-by-side in the same sentence, think of a yardstick.

You need to work harder at this stuff! Let’s go to the funnies …

* * *

WHY WOMEN ARE BETTER AT ESTATE PLANNING

My friend, a single guy lived at home with his father and worked in the family business.

He knew that he would inherit a fortune once his sickly father died.

Dave wanted two things: to learn how to invest his inheritance, and to find a wife to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $20 million."

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card. Two weeks later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at estate planning than men!

* * *

YES, BUTTERBALL WAS BURIED IN SODDY DAISY

They had been told that only six people are allowed to meet for Thanksgiving Day, but 30 people were allowed for a funeral. Soon it was announced before Thursday that they would be holding a funeral for their pet Turkey named "Butterball," that would pass away in the early-morning hours of Nov. 26, 2020. It was announced refreshments would be served and, in lieu of flowers, “mourners” were requested to please bring a side or dessert.

* * *

HOW DO COURT RECORDERS KEEP STRAIGHT FACES????

* -- ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?' ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan!

* -- ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Nike sweats and Reeboks.

* -- ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth? WITNESS: July 18th. ATTORNEY: What year? WITNESS: Every year.

* -- ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you? WITNESS: Forty-five years.

* -- ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget… ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

* -- ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

* -- ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.

* -- ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you (kidding) me?

* -- ATTORNEY: So, the date of conception (of the baby) was Aug. 8? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Getting (expletive).

* -- ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

* -- ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death… ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Take a guess.

* -- ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town, I'm going with male.

* -- ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

* -- ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

* -- ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral...

* -- ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

* -- ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

And last:

* -- ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

* * *

SOME INVERSE MURPHY’S LAWS

1.  Everyone has a photographic memory.  Some don't have film.

2.  He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

3.  A day without sunshine is like, night.

4.  Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

5.  Back up my hard drive?  How do I put it in reverse?

6.  I just got lost in thought.  It was unfamiliar territory.

7.  When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

8.  Seen it all, done it all.  Can't remember most of it.

9.  Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

10.  I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

11.  He's not dead.  He's electroencephalographically challenged.

12.  She's always late.  In fact, her ancestors arrived on the "JuneFlower."

13.  You have the right to remain silent.  Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you.

14.  I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

15.  Honk if you love peace and quiet.

16.  Keep honking, I'm reloading.

17.  Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

18.  Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

19.  It is hard to understand how a cemetery can raise its burial costs and blame it on the higher cost of living.

20.  Just remember ...  if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

21.  The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

22.  It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

23.  You can't have everything.  Where would you put it?

24.  Latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75 percent of the world population.

25.  If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

26.  The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first

27.  Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

28.  Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

29.  The shin bone is a device for finding furniture.

30.  A fine is a tax for doing wrong.  A tax is a fine for doing well.

31.  It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

32.  Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

33.  I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

34.  I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

35.  When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

36.  Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

* * *

THIS WEEK’S BEST VIDEOS

* -- If you know some who tries and tries and always seems to fall short, they must see this video on “Sparky.” CLICK HERE.

* -- “ and then, one day, Mr. Jensen told young Clint to stay after class ...” CLICK HERE.

* -- SEAL Admiral McRaven --“One man healed me of my greatest malady – fear. He gave me hope … one person can change the world by giving another … hope.” CLICK HERE.

* -- This was chosen as The Best Inspirational tape in 2017. CLICK HERE.

* -- “The hardest walk you can make is alone. Be the lone wolf. CLICK HERE. (Please go to YouTube and get https://youtu.be/gMFc7agO09w

* -- In 1955 Alfred Hitchcock directed a romantic thriller starring Grace Kelly and Cary Grant, “To Catch a Thief.” The theme song was performed by Ray Charles and Mary Ann Fisher. And, so you see, great brilliance 65 years old never goes stale. CLICK HERE.

royexum@aol.com


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