Roy Exum: The Saturday Funnies

Saturday, September 19, 2020
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

To kick off this edition of The Saturday Funnies, we open with a riddle. The facts: Martha can run 1 turn in 1 minute. Charlie can run 4 turns in 1 minute, and Lauren can run 3 turns in 1 minute.

The question: If these three people start running at the same time, how long will it take for all three to reach the starting line again? Please, it is obvious! If you deduced “One minute” you ought to be playing ‘bingo’! because you’ve got the touch.

Every week we present The Saturday Funnies that we gather from the daily emails that come our way. No, we do not write them – we are not that clever so please understand they are shared and in almost every case, we have no idea of their origin.

We believe every weekend needs some giggles, but before we get started this week, try to solve this riddle.

“What is something new we must break to enjoy its delight with the full understanding we can never enjoy it again?” This one stumped me, so I surrendered and went to the answer’s page: An egg.

Let’s go to this week’s Funnies:

* * *

SPEAKING GERMAN IN TEXAS

In Texas there is a town called New Braunfels, where there is a large German-speaking population.

One day, a local rancher driving down a country road noticed a man using his hand to drink water from the rancher's stock pond.

The rancher rolled down the window and shouted: "Sehr angenehm! Trink das Wasser nicht. Die kuehe haben darein geschissen."

This means: “Glad to meet you! Don't drink the water. The cows have contaminated it."

The man shouted back: "I'm from New York and just down here campaigning for Biden's Presidential run. I can't understand you. Please speak in English."

The rancher shouted back: "Use both hands!"

* * *

A 15-YEAR-OLD’S ‘SCHOOL PRAYER’

(Written by a 15-year-old school kid who got an A+ for this entry!

The Lord's Prayer is not allowed in most U.S. Public schools any more. A kid in Minnesota wrote the following new School Prayer:

Now I sit me down in school

Where praying is against the rule. 

 

For this great nation under God,

Finds mention of Him very odd.

 

If scripture now the class recites,

It violates the Bill of Rights.

 

And anytime my head I bow

Becomes a Federal matter now.

 

Our hair can be purple, orange, or green,

That's no offense; it's a freedom scene.

 

The law is specific, the law is precise.

Prayers spoken aloud are a serious vice.

 

For praying in a public hall

Might offend someone with no faith at all. 

 

In silence alone we must meditate,

God's name is prohibited by the State.

 

We're allowed to cuss and dress like freaks,

And pierce our noses, tongues, and cheeks.

 

They've outlawed guns, but FIRST the Bible.

To quote the Good Book makes me liable.

 

We can elect a pregnant Senior Queen,

And the 'unwed daddy,' our Senior King.

 

It's 'inappropriate' to teach right from wrong.

We're taught that such 'judgments' do not belong.

 

We can get our condoms and birth controls,

Study witchcraft, vampires, and totem poles.

 

But the Ten Commandments are not allowed,

No word of God must reach this crowd. 

 

It's scary here I must confess,

When chaos reigns the school's a mess.

 

So, Lord, this silent plea I make:

Should I be shot; My soul please take!

 

Amen

 

If you aren't ashamed to do this, Please pass this on. Jesus said, 'If you are ashamed of me,

I will be ashamed of you before my Father!’ I am not ashamed. Passing it on!

 

* * *

TWO SISTERS BUY A BULL

Two Sisters...

One blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock.

They only have $600 left. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her one word: “comfortable."

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word "comfortable?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it very slowly ... com-for-da-bull."

* * *

A 15-YEAR OLD BOY CAME HOME WITH A PORSCHE

His parents began to yell and scream. “Where did you get that car?”

He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”

“With what money?” Demanded his parents. “We know how much a Porsche costs!”

“Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.”

The parents began to yell even louder. “Who would sell a car like this for fifteen dollars!?” they asked.

“It was the lady up the street,” said the boy, “don’t know her name— they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.”

“Oh my goodness!” gasped the mother, “she must be a child abuser! Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what’s going on.”

So the boy’s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in her yard, calmly planting flowers. He introduced himself as the father of the boy she sold the Porsche to for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why.

“Well,” she said, “this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn’t intend to come back. He claimed he was really stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did.”

* * *

WHEN I SAW my ex-wife yesterday with her new boyfriend, I couldn’t believe just how much he looked like me when we were still together…

Absolutely miserable.

* * *

THIS WEEK’S BEST VIDEOS 

* -- Maybe the best Italian commercial ever, by Pfizer. Yes, 7.2 million views and counting. CLICK HERE.

* -- Try this one, from our pals at Nike. Discover your greatness! Yes ... 6.4 million views and counting. CLICK HERE.

* -- The ending scene in the movie, “The Pursuit Of Happyness.” Yes … 7.7 million views and counting. CLICK HERE.

* -- I love flash mobs. Watch what happens when a little girl drops some coins in a street performer’s hat in Sabadell, Spain one afternoon eight years ago. The music is Ravel’s Bolero and, yes, over 21 million have watched this. CLICK HERE.

royexum@aol.com


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