Roy Exum: The Saturday Funnies

Friday, January 8, 2021 - by Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

Hot dog … It is with a very keen wish that The Saturday Funnies can try to lift us above the national woes. If you will hug a perfect stranger this week and maybe share a Funny, what would be wrong about starting here at home in the art of caring about one another … here are this week’s riddles …

THIS WEEK’S RIDDLES

1) The first thing always exists, and the second thing only exists when there’s a lot of the first thing in one place. What are they?

2) The more you take, the more you leave behind. What am I?

3) Tool of thief, toy of queen.

Always used to be unseen. Sign of joy, sign of sorrow. Giving all likeness borrowed. What am I?

As you wrack your mind, let me slip in to inform you we do not write The Saturdays Funnies. They are a result of what many people share each week via email. We agree some of the more R-rated jokes are fun yet no one on staff wants to embarrass our children, our grandchildren or anyone else when our quest for humor might go awry.

ANSWERS TO THIS WEEK’S RIDDLES

1) Cars and traffic.

2) Footsteps.

3) A face mask!

Okay … here we go with his week’s funnies … HiHo and Away!

* * *

A THRILLING STORY OF A YOUNG WOMAN, ABOUT TO CRASH, IN A SMALL AIRCRAFT

This is the story of a young Seattle college student flying in the right seat of a small plane with an old pilot. The pilot has a heart attack and dies. The young lady passenger frantically grabs the mic and calls out, “May Day! May Day! Help me!”

“Help me! The pilot just had a heart attack and is dead and I don't know how to fly. Someone help me! Please help me!"

She then hears a calming voice on the radio saying: "This is Sea-Tac Air Traffic Control and I hear you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just take a deep breath, stay calm, and everything will be fine!

“Now give me your height and position.”

She replies, "I'm 5' 4" and I support Joe Biden."

"O.K.”, says the calm voice on the radio.

"Now slowly repeat after me: “Our Father, who art in Heaven ...”

* * *

A BUSLOAD OF POLITICIANS HAS A HORRIBLE CRASH

A busload of senators was driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road, rolled over several times and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.

The old farmer, after seeing what had happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole to bury the politicians.

A few days later the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer where all the senators had gone.

The old farmer said he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Were they all dead?"

The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."

* * *

A BRILLIANT SERMON FLOPS AT THE END

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol. The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke. the third worm was put into a jar of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm was put into a jar of good clean soil.

At close of the sermon, the minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.

Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So, the Minister asked the congregation, "What can you learn from this demonstration?"

A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said, “As long as you drink, smoke, and eat chocolate, you won't have worms.

* * *

“DO SOMETHING NICE FOR DAD …”

Unable to attend the funeral after his father died, a son who lived far away called his brother and told him, "Do something nice for Dad and send me the bill."

Later, he got a bill for $200, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense.

Bills for $200 kept arriving every month, and finally the man called his brother again to find out what was going on.

"Well," said the other brother, "Dad didn't have a good suit to bury him in and you said to do something nice for Dad. So, I rented him a tuxedo."

* * *

THE OLD MULE’S LAST CONTRIBUTION

A pastor went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the church yard. He telephoned the police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the pastor to the Health Department.

They explained, "Since there was no health threat you'll need to call the Sanitation Department. When the pastor called the Sanitation Department, the manager of the Sanitation Department said, "I can't pick up that dead mule without authorization from the mayor."

The pastor was not at all too eager to call the mayor, who possessed a very bad temper and was always extremely unpleasant and hard to deal with, but, eventually, the pastor called the mayor anyway.

The mayor did not disappoint the pastor. The mayor immediately began to rant and rave. After his continued rant at the pastor, the mayor finally said, "Why did you call me anyway? Isn’t it your job to bury the dead?"

The pastor paused for a brief prayer and asked the Lord to direct his response.

The Lord led the pastor to the words he was seeking, “Yes, mayor, it is my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin first!"

* * *

ONE LAST LOOK AT THE YEAR 2O20

Here are 12 things to consider as we get closer to closing the door on one of the most horrible years of our lifetime:

1. The dumbest thing I ever bought was a 2020 planner.

2. I was so bored I called Jake from State Farm just to talk to someone. He asked me what I was wearing.

3. 2019: Stay away from negative people. 2020: Stay away from positive people.

4. The world has turned upside down. Old folks are sneaking out of the house, yet their kids are yelling at them to stay indoors!

5. This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her dog. It was obvious she thought her dog understood her. I came into my house and told my cat. We laughed a lot.

6. Every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.

7. Does anyone know if we can take showers yet, or should we just keep washing our hands?

8. This virus has done what no woman has been able to do. Cancel sports, shut down all bars and keep men at home!

9. I never thought the comment, “I wouldn’t touch him/her with a 6-foot pole” would become a national policy, but here we are!

10. I need to practice social distancing from the refrigerator.

11. I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to the backyard. I’m getting tired of the living room.

12. Never in a million years could I have imagined I would go up to a bank teller wearing a mask & ask for money.

* * *

THIS WEEK’S BEST VIDEOS

* -- When you feel like quitting, remember this video. CLICK HERE.

* -- When I read over the weekend that some guy in England – Gerry Marsden - had just died after enabling one of my favorite songs, “You’ll Never Walk Alone,” to “reach dazzling heights,” I was puzzled. I had never heard of Marsden. But when I looked him up, I found the incredibly talented Marsden was one and the same as “Gerry & the Pacemakers!” Oh, my mercy. The Liverpool band gave us one of the best renditions of the widely beloved song that was introduced in a 1945 Broadway play "Carousel.” Rather than show Gerry Marsden, please watch this this clip from a rambunctious Liverpool FC crowd who knows the words by heart. CLICK HERE.

* -- Maybe the best “road song” ever was “Freebird” by the Lynyrd Skynyrd band. The rumor is that when the band formed there was such a mutual dislike for their jr. high principal and with a clever misspelling, named the band for him!. This take was made in Oakland over 45 years ago and today it is better than ever, with over 33 million views of this tape. CLICK HERE.

* -- Several years ago, an upcoming female singer -- Jen Malenke -- got the thrill of her life doing a duet with Josh Groban. So far 14.5 million have watch this version of their tape, “A Bridge over Troubled Water" - The Power of Music- Josh Groban and Jen Malenke. CLICK HERE.

* -- I am willing to bet that somewhere there is a committee who believes that it is impossible for an ibex to climb the sheer face of a dam in Israel. Thank God the ibex hasn’t gotten the committee’s memo. CLICK HERE.  

royexum@aol.com


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