Roy Exum: The Sunday Funnies

Sunday, May 2, 2021 - by Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

I am afraid I am neither happy nor sad after I learn that Chattanooga’s newest mayor is among those who have endorsed that Chattanooga Chamber of Commerce admission of systemic racism in our city. I have gone on record as saying the claim is untrue and that I am ashamed of the “woke generation” but Kelly’s quick response is counter to mine and his admission will inflame some who had hoped he was as fed up with America as it now stands. Thank God the only pressing tasks today is to solve the riddles in The Sunday Funnies!

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TODAY’S RIDDLES

1. How can you get four suits for a dollar?

2.

A sundial is the timepiece with the least amount of moving parts. What is the timepiece with the greatest amount of moving parts?

3. Twelve pears hanging high, twelve men passing by. Each took a pear and left eleven hanging there. How can this be?

4. A hobo can make a new cigarette from 4 cigarette butts. If the hobo finds 16 butts, how many cigarettes can he make?

5. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

6. What is the only way a leopard can change his spots?

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OUR DISCLAIMER: As our Saturday Funnies regulars know, we do not write the riddles, nor the jokes seen here every Saturday. No, they are included among the funny emails people share with us on email. So, if you happen across a funnie, allow us to share in the laughter. Kindly remember younger folks are among our readers so please be mindful to make the laughter suitable for any age.

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THIS WEEK’S ANSWERS:

1. Buy a deck of cards.

2. An hourglass.

3. ‘Each’ was the name of one of the twelve men passing by.

4. Five, four from the original 16 butts and one more from the butts of those ‘new’ cigarettes when he smokes them.

5. None – there is no dirt in an empty hole.

6. By physically going from one spot to another.

 

OH MERCY!! IT’S THE “STELLA AWARDS!”

It's time again for the annual "Stella Awards"! For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico, where she purchased coffee. She took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right?

These are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S., you know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy.

Here are the Stella's for this year:

- - SEVENTH PLACE: Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.

* -- SIXTH PLACE: Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles, California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord.  Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

* -- FIFTH PLACE: Terrence Dickson, of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut.  Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT days and survive on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish.

* -- FOURTH PLACE: Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.

* -- THIRD PLACE: Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

* -- SECOND PLACE: Kara Walton, of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000 … and, oh yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure.

* -- THE EASY WINNER: This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased a new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, coming from an OU football game, she drove onto the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph, and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her--are you sitting down?--$1,750,000. PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed its manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.

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COLLEGE AGE & CRAZY

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students:

"The female dormitory is out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. The second time you will be fined $60. A third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

A male student inquired, "How much for a season pass?"

* * *

A CLEVER HAND IS OUT-PLAYED

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait.

Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying, "A dollar per point."

During the next class the professor handed the graded tests back out. “Ol’ Slick” got back his test, his test grade, and $64 change.

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THIS WEEK’S FAVORITE VIDEOS

* -- Over an easily 30 million have watched Frank Sinatra sing this song. CLICK HERE.

* -- This is a great scene from the movie “The Sting” where Paul Newman cons a con man. CLICK HERE.

* -- I used this clip of the earlier days of Groucho Marx in the in early 1950s several weeks ago but I can’t get enough of the contestant’s “presence.” It’s so hysterical it demands a repeat. CLICK HERE.

* -- When it comes to raw humor, my favorite of all time is still ‘The Polish Spoon Trick’. CLICK HERE.

* -- Over 20 million have watched Tina Turner sing “Proud Mary.” CLICK HERE.

* -- If you missed the Kentucky Derby on Saturday, here’s NBC’s footage of the race where was a tremendous win for Bob Baffert’s Medina Spirit. (Medina Spirit, once bought for $1,000, won a purse of $1.8 million and a $2 wager returned $26.20 to win, $12.00 to show, and $7.60 to place.) CLICK HERE

royexum@aol.com


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