Roy Exum
This guy who gets immense pleasure from helping anyone sees a poster attached to a telephone pole in East Ridge that reads “Lost Cat!” and lists a phone number. So, our boy calls to say, “I haven’t seen the cat.” (He did all he could!)
So, here we go with the latest edition of everyone’s weekend treat, The Saturday Funnies!
THIS WEEK’S QUIZ
Every week this summer The Saturday Funnies is including a quiz so our younger readers can sharpen their minds before schools resumes at the end of the summer:
1.
How many blue stripes are there on the U.S. flag? a) 6; b) 7; c) 13; d) 0
2. What was the name of the band Lionel Richie was a part of? a) King Harvest; b) Spectrums; c) Commodores; d) The Marshall Tucker Band.
3. Who was the only U.S. President to resign? a) Herbert Hoover; b) Richard Nixon; c) George W. Bush; d) Barack Obama
4. What does the “D” in “D-Day” stand for? a) Dooms; b) Dark; c) Day; d) Dunkirk
5. According to Forrest Gump, “life was like…” a) A bag of lemons; b) A handful of roses; c) A lollipop; d) A box of chocolates
6. Which U.S. state is known as the sunflower state? a) Florida; b) California; c) Maine d) Kansas
7. ‘Fe’ is the chemical symbol for a) Zinc; b) Hydrogen; c) Fluorine; d) Iron
8. What language is the most spoken worldwide? a) Chinese; b) Spanish; c) Arabic; d) English
9. What is the #1 cookie in the U.S.? a) Chips Ahoy!; b) Milano; c) Girl Scout Thin Mints; d) Oreo
10. Which ocean is the largest? a) Indian; b) Pacific; c) Atlantic; d) Arctic
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THIS WEEK’S RIDDLE
* - Which is correct to say, “The yolk of the egg are white” or “The yolk of the egg is white”?
This week’s answers are below.
* * *
THIS WEEK’S JOKES
I am a Seenager. (Senior teenager) I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later:
* -- I don’t have to go to school or work.
* -- I get an allowance every month.
* -- I have my own pad.
* -- I don’t have a curfew.
* -- I have a driver's license and my own car.
* -- The girls I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant and I don’t have acne.
* -- Life is great.
* -- I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.
* -- Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
* -- I didn’t make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.
* -- I decided to stop calling the bathroom the “John” and renamed it the “Jim”. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
* -- Old age is coming at a really bad time.
* -- When I was a child I thought “Nap Time” was a punishment. Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small holiday.
* -- The biggest lie I tell myself is ”I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."
* -- I don’t have grey hair; I have "wisdom highlights"! I’m very wise indeed.
* -- If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would’ve put them on my knees.
* -- Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We're going to get together one of these days.
* -- Why do I have to press one for English when I'm just going to be transferred to someone I can't understand anyway? (This is my favorite.)
* -- Of course, I talk to myself. I sometimes need expert advice.
* -- At my age “Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I went there for.
* -- I have more friends that I should send this to, but right now I can’t remember their names.
Now, I’m wondering: did I send this to you, or did you send it to me?
* * *
WOMEN & MEN RECORDINGS THINGS IN THEIR DIARIES
Wife's Diary:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.
Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.
I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.
Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.
My life is a disaster.
Husband's Diary:
A one-foot putt .. who the heck misses a one-foot putt?
* * *
AND SPEAKING OF GOLF …
One night a man dreamed that he was playing golf at Pebble Beach with Jack Nicklaus, Arnold Palmer and Tiger Woods.
In the morning as he was shaving, he recalled the dream and imagined it was true.
His wife walked in and put her arms around him and said: “I had a dream last night.
A handsome man pulled up in front of the house in a shiny new convertible.
He carried me to the car and took me to my favorite restaurant up the coast.
The husband asked: “Who was the man?” “It couldn't have been me; I was playing golf.”
* * *
BERNARD, A KINDLY OLD MAN
Bernard, who is noted for his gracious manners, was awakened one morning at four-thirty by his ringing telephone.
"Your dog's barking, and it's keeping me awake," said an angry voice.
Bernard thanked the caller and made a note of the Caller ID.
The next morning at precisely four thirty, Bernard called his neighbor back.
"Good morning, Mr. Williams.... Just called to say that I don't have a dog."
* * *
I STILL REMEMBER MY GRANDPA’S LAST WORDS …
He said, “Son, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”
* * *
AN HYSTERICAL MAN CALLS 9-1-1 …
An almost hysterical man calls 911 and yells, "Please come quickly! My wife is pregnant, and her labor has started, it’s really intense!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the operator.
"No, you idiot! It’s her husband!"
* * *
WITH TWO VOICES IN MY HEAD …
When I look at chocolate, I hear two voices in my head.
The first one says: “You need to eat that chocolate.”
The other voice says: “You heard him, eat the chocolate.”
* * *
THE BEST APOLOGY EVER KNOWN TO MAN
I made cookies for you.
It is an apology because I wrecked your car.
YOU DID WHAT?!
I made cookies for you.
* * *
THIS WEEK’S ANSWERS
1. Zero – the stripes are red and white.
2. Commodores
3. Richard Nixon
4. Day
5. A box of chocolates
6. Kansas
7. Iron
8. Chinese
9. Oreo
10. Pacific
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RIDDLE: Neither, the yolk of an egg is yellow.
* * *
THIS WEEK’S BEST VIDEOS
* -- “NEVER OUT OF THE FIGHT!”: Over 2.5 million have watched this YouTube clip is from the movie “The Lone Survivor” which is the story of Marcus Luttrell. Retired Navy SEAL Luttrell who will speak in Chattanooga at the 7th Annual American Heroes Banquet on July 16, is featured in the film. For sponsorships and tickets contact at https://www.honoringthesacrifice.org. To watch the clip, CLICK HERE.
* -- Actor Christopher Walken explains the lion CLICK HERE.
* --- The poet Walt Whitman’s “The Song of the Open Road,” as read by Dave Luukkonen CLICK HERE.
* -- Candid Camera Classic: Raising Prices in Carts CLICK HERE.
* -- One simple secret can change your life. CLICK HERE.
* -- 1.6 million have watched Barbra Streisand and Hugh Jackman sing ‘Any Moment Now’ CLICK HERE.
royexum@aol.com