Roy Exum: The Sunday Funnies

Sunday, September 26, 2021 - by Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

NOTE: Glitches happen in life and due to “operator error, The Saturday Funnies have become The Sunday Funnies this week. I hope you will enjoy these …

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ILLEGAL COCKFIGHTS IN LOUISIANA

The Louisiana State Police had received numerous reports of illegal cockfights being held in the area around Abbeville and had sent their famous Detective Boudreaux from Thibodeaux to investigate.

Boudreaux promptly began his investigation and then reported to his Commander the next morning.

"Dey is tree main groups involve in dis rooster fightin," he began.

"Good work! Who are they?" the Commander asked.

Boudreaux replied confidently, "De Texas Aggies, de local Cajuns, and de Mafia from N'awlins."

Puzzled, the Commander asked, "Now Boudreaux, how did you find all that out in one night?"

"Well," he replied, "I went down and done seen dat rooster fight in person.

And I knowed immediately dat dem Aggies was involved when a duck was entered in the fight."

The Commander nodded, "I'll buy that. But what about the others ?"

Boudreaux nodded knowingly, "Well, I knowed de Cajuns was involved when sum body bet on de duck!"

"Ah, I see, I see....." sighed the Commander. "And how did you figure the Mafia was involved?"

"De duck won."

* * *

PRICELESS ONE LINERS

* -- Just burned 2,000 calories. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

* -- Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

* -- A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

* -- I gave up my seat to a blind person on the bus. That is how I lost my job as a bus driver.

* -- Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.

* -- Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

* -- I'm doing nothing today. I started yesterday and didn't get finished.

* -- I always thought orthopedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected.

* * *

COMPANING CREDIT CARD SIGNATURES

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card.

She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed.

When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt.

So I signed the credit card in front of her.

She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt.

As luck would have it, they matched!

What were you thinking?

* * *

SIMPLE LOGIC IN THE ANIMAL KINGDOM

What do you do with an elephant with three balls?

Walk him and pitch to the hippo.

What were you thinking?

* * *

BAD NEWS ON FLORIDA VACATION

While on vacation in Florida, a man received an email from his friend, which read simply: "Your cat is dead."

Distraught at the loss of his beloved pet, the man returned home. After burying the cat he chided his friend for the cold-hearted nature of the email.

"You should break bad news gently," he said. "If I had been telling you that your cat had died, I would have sent an email saying: "Your cat's on the roof."

Then a few hours later I would have sent another email, saying: "Your cat's fallen off the roof and is badly hurt, he's at the vets."

Finally, a couple of hours after that, I would have sent a third telegram, saying: "Your cat has passed away."

That way, I would gradually prepare you for the bad news and you would have been able to deal with it better."

"I understand," said the friend. "I will keep that in mind."

With that, the man returned to Florida to resume his vacation.

Two days later, he received an email from his friend. It read: "Your mother's on the roof."

* * *

FATHER, WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS?

A semi drunk man who smelled like cheap wine and cigarette smoke sat down on a subway seat next to a priest.

The man's shirt and pants were stained, his hair was long and shaggy, and a half empty bottle of wine was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"My Son, it's caused by consuming too much alcohol, smoking, and not caring about your appearance.

"Well, I'll be, " the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, apologized. "I'm very sorry. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does".

* * *

LOVE IN STRONGER THAN HAIR COLOR

A woman turns to her husband on their silver wedding anniversary and says, ‘Darling, will you still love me when my hair turns gray?’

Her husband replies, ‘Why not? I stuck with you through the other six colors.’

* * *

THIS WEEK’S BEST VIDEOS

* -- Barbra Streisand with “The Way We Were.” CLICK HERE.

* -- Candid Camera Classic: Nervous Tattoo Artist CLICK HERE.

* -- Candid Camera Classic: Ad-Nauseam! CLICK HERE.

* -- Sound of Silence - Dana Winner, Simon and Garfunkel. Click HERE.

* -- Candid Camera Classic: Auto Answer Hell CLICK HERE.

* -- Even The Dog Stopped To Listen -- Can't Help Falling In Love - Elvis Presley. Click HERE.

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royexum@aol.com


Roy Exum: ‘Almost’ Never Counts

Roy Exum: UT Fans Vs. The World

Roy Exum: The Saturday Funnies


Football notes from a Saturday … It is wonderful that “social media” is all bubbly in the belief Tennessee “almost” beat Alabama in Tuscaloosa this past weekend. But, in reality, the Vol faithful ... (click for more)

No sooner than the last hurled water bottle was caught by Lane Kiffin last weekend, a Tennessee beat writer wrote, “After the chaos, there was more trash remaining in the stands than was on the ... (click for more)

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Opinion

Roy Exum: ‘Almost’ Never Counts

Football notes from a Saturday … It is wonderful that “social media” is all bubbly in the belief Tennessee “almost” beat Alabama in Tuscaloosa this past weekend. But, in reality, the Vol faithful should thank their lucky stars for three most unusual quarters before the Tide, now ranked third in the land, won by 28 points (the betting line was 27½.) The game’s biggest difference ... (click for more)

Roy Exum: UT Fans Vs. The World

No sooner than the last hurled water bottle was caught by Lane Kiffin last weekend, a Tennessee beat writer wrote, “After the chaos, there was more trash remaining in the stands than was on the field.” Tennessee, unfortunately as a whole, was roundly castigated across the country a week ago when a late fourth-quarter referee’s call went against UT and its fans rained debris, water ... (click for more)

Breaking News

Police Said Woman Who Struck Motorcyclists Appeared To Be Heavily Intoxicated

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2 Shot And Killed Saturday Afternoon And Night In Chattanooga

Two men were shot in separate incidents Saturday afternoon and night. Tawon Billups, 21, was shot and killed on North Germantown Road Saturday afternoon. At approximately 4:54 p.m., Chattanooga Police responded to the 700 block of North Germantown Road on a report of a person shot. Upon arrival, officers located a man suffering from a gunshot wound and secured the scene. ... (click for more)

Sports

Homecoming Week For Mocs Highlighted By Freeman, Sears SoCon Player Of The Week Nods

It’s Homecoming Week for the Chattanooga Mocs. That brings a lot of excitement and energy to campus life. The week is off to an excellent start with news that Rashun Freeman and Aaron Sears earned Southern Conference Player of the Week presented by GEICO honors for their effort in a dominating 55-13 win at Samford. Freeman’s Defensive Player of the Week nod is his first of ... (click for more)

UTC Women Host Wofford In SoCon Soccer Opener

The Chattanooga women’s soccer team will play host to Wofford Tuesday evening in the first round of the Southern Conference Tournament. The Mocs tied the Terriers for eighth in the league standings and, by way of a tie-break, earned the No. 8 seed and will host the ninth-seeded Terriers. The match is set to kick off at 6:00 p.m. at the UTC Sports Complex. Admission and parking ... (click for more)