Best Of Grizzard - Travel

  • Friday, November 24, 2023
  • Jerry Summers

Because he had spent a couple of years in the balmy climate of the Windy City that resulted in one of his multiple divorces and a lawsuit by a fellow employee (non-sexual). Lewis Grizzard (L.G.) was not always complimentary about residents from locals north of the Mason Dixon line or West of the Mighty Mississippi River in his writings.

In the post-death 1995 paperback of a collection of satirical slams against the foreign folks of these dominions his beloved wife from Bradley County, Tennessee, published a collection of re-written travel columns.

In Grizzardisms: The Wit and Wisdom of Lewis Grizzard (Villard Books) L.G. put his sometimes humorous poison pen to literature in the following article:

1) “I went to Rhode Island once, and it was very cold and none of the native women went around without their tops on. I can think of no reason to go back;”

2) “I can’t think of anything that is sexy about the state of Indiana;”

3) “Put a tent over Los Angeles so whatever it is they breathe out there doesn’t spread to the rest of the country;”

4) “I know there’s not a North Dakota. What you think is North Dakota is actually part of Canada, and it’s so cold and bleak there the Canadians are trying to pass it off as a part of this country;”

5) “The ‘Federation of Former New Jersey Americans’ miss such things as seeing bodies floating in rivers. They meet at Barney’s Waterslide every other Wednesday;”

6) “As to Minnesota, nobody really lives a long time there. It’s so cold it just seems like it;”

7) “The Mormons are in charge of everything in Utah, including the state’s liquor laws, which are so complex it’s easier to drive to Wyoming to pick up a six-pack than it is to stay in Utah and try and figure out which day it’s not against the law to order a vodka tonic if you’re left-handed;”

8) “At least Canada fought on our side during World War II, and I will eventually get around to forgiving them for introducing hockey to this country.”

(With the increased sought after “grow bigger group” of compensated city planners lending their expertise Choo Choo City may surpass the above venues in excellence and all community services.)

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You can reach Jerry Summers at jsummers@summersfirm.com

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